Friends, Family & Carers Forum

[Former-Member]

Hi I am also first time posting so please excuse me if this doesn't sound right. My 19 year old daughter has been suffering from Anorexia, Bipolar OCD  for many years. I have been abbused, verbally and physically many times but I still try to support her. I know feel that I have really lost the plot and this is why I have joined the forums. I have no support no real friends and feeling quite alone. My daughter will not get help her anxiety is through the roof it doesn't matter what I say to her it starts her going into reassurance which can last up to one hour. I have gone from a caring supportive mother to now a monster that swears and has no patience with my daughter. I have tried and continued to try and support her but it is never good enough for her always my fault. Apparently I am a selfish mother. I really don't know what to do anymore I have had thoughts of killing myself but I realise I couldn't do that. I suppose I am just needing a little bit of support 😊

[Kurra]

Hi @Former-Member,

I'm certain that our hardest role in life is being a mother. To enable me to look after my daughter, I have found it essential to look after myself first so that I can remain calm and rational in all discussions with my daughter. I can assure you this is no mean feat.

At 19 your daughter is a young adult. She will certainly think so. I remember myself at that age and although we weren't officially an adult until 21 at that time, I reckoned I knew everything. How insufferable I must have been.

As our children grow up, even though they may not be particularly mature at times, I found that I needed to start cutting the apron strings bit by bit to allow her to make her own decisions and take responsibility. It is so hard to do this!

It is what I have had to do and it has left me feeling so powerless. Nevertheless I have been able to let her go and not respond to her tantrums , threats and demands. There were times when I wondered why our so much of our country was in drought because I was shedding so many tears, every river and dam should have been filled to the brim.

Do you have anyone you can talk to about the difficulties you are experiencing? Your GP or a psychologist? I know that my psychologist has helped me so much with a similar issue. It's not at all easy but this might help you not only now but also in the future.

Hugzzz 🎶

[Peachfish]

Hi your post struck a real chord with me, I became a carer to a partner suffering from chronic pain through EDS, OCD, Anorexia, severe anxiety and since my departure I found the missing link, borderline personality disorder. The combination is very overwhelming and exhausting. borderline and bipolar carry a few similar traits.

I would firstly ask if your daughter is pushing you away chronically before needing reassurance and calming down? Push and pull or I hate you don't leave me. My partner would constantly do this, push my buttons until I'd walk away then beg for me to come back and refuse to calm down until I reassured her everything would be okay for hours.

The only effective method in my experience and from what I've read of this scenario and treatment online is to set clear firm boundaries. This may be extremely difficult in your case I can assure you it was in mine. If she was highly abusive I would leave the house and not return until she had calmed down. For me it meant sleeping in my car at times as I had no family or friends for hundreds of kilometres, she would call and threaten suicide if I didn't come back at times to which I had to call the police to go check on her. It was the only effective method as staying, tolerating the abuse and then reassuring afterwards encouraged the behaviour even more.

I can not stress enough to go to a GP get on a mental health care plan, 10 free therapy visits, get into therapy immediately, call lifeline when you are overwhelmed they helped me through a lot of crises.

The internet is flooded with carers info but the crux of it is you must take care of yourself first, less drugs, sugar, caffeine etc. make time for exercise, make time for yourself to something uninterrupted that is just for you. The chronic stress is overwhelming and you must learn how to manage it effectively or you'll burn out badly like I did.

My heart goes out to you, I made all the mistakes as a carer and it emotionally and physically destroyed me. It made a monster of me as well. It's taking me months to recover. Good luck