Lived Experience Forum

[Pudge]

Hi guys,

Yay for my first post! I guess I just wanted to share my story as a way of working through my feelings. Basically a couple of years ago I realised I was gay, and at first I didn't want to accept it at all. My whole perception of myself changed -- especially in regards to my future. Suddenly, no wife, no kids (at least in the conventional sense), no more being happy. That's what I was thinking at the time anyway, and I fell in to a deep depression.

A little over a year ago I started having panic attacks, virtually every day, and at first I didn't know what they were. I was terrified, as each time I thought I was legit going to die. Thankfully I went to my GP who prescribed me some meds and referred to me to a psych to help deal with my depression and anxiety. I'm glad I've always been a pretty open person, which enabled me to seek the help I needed. Most of my friends are the silent types who wouldn't dare let on how they were feeling, and I couldn't imagine bottling something like this up for long.

The good news is that I'm in a much better place regarding my sexuality now. I'm learning to accept myself. I still haven't told a good majority of my friends, and always get anxious when conversation veers into that territory. I know my friends wouldn't care, and would only have supportive words to say to me -- but still, I don't know, sometimes it just doesn't feel right announcing it. And I don't think it's something that needs to be necessarily announced en masse. I'm happy going at my own pace, opening up to those around me with whom I'm comfortable. 

My family have been great about it, as has everyone I've told. I guess what I'm still struggling with is the transition. I think I'm someone who's comfortable being by myself -- I've never really sought out a relationship before. I'm happy to see how things pan out, but going to a gay bar or getting set up with a friend of a friend of a friend "who's also gay" doesn't seem at all natural or organic to me. I think what I'm most worried about is being so self-conscious and self-hating (if that's not too strong a word) as to not explore this side of myself, and just accept that I'm better off alone. And therein lies the problem -- I do, deep down, worry about being alone. 

Most days I'm good, and can hold my head high. But this journey for me has really derailed my whole life -- socially and professionally, and I'm just hoping to get back on track, and reach a stage where it's not even an issue. 

Anyway, thanks for listening! Appreciate any words of advice 🙂

[Crystal]

Hi Pudge

As a person who first "met" the guy I have been in a relationship with for 9 years on an internet site I am not one to provide advice on how to meet someone organicly.

Some once quoted something out of Alice in Wonderland to me - I don't remember the exact words but it went something like ...... if you don't know where you are going, what does it matter where you are and how will you know if you get there .....I am sure the real quote was much more "fun" and dramatic.

So why not have some fun trying to describe what you want your future to look like, the old track you were on was leading to a future that didn't embrace who you are so you "derailed" (perhaps a reasonable reaction in the circumstances?????)  ... if you are able to describe your new destination then it maybe easier to find the track that leads in that general direction and as you get more comfortable and able to better describe your destination you will be in a better position to take the appropriate detours, and side tracks to get you even closer.   What might the staging posts look like on this new track?  Are you travelling by seam engine at the moment, fast train or somewhere inbetween?  What mode of transport, rail guage best suits where you are at at the moment?

[JT]

Hi Pudge, welcome to the forums.

No dating advice here I'm afraid.  I refuse to go near internet dating and whilst organically meeting someone would be nice I have to confess and annoyingly autistic trait in that I quite simply can't read people.  Sometimes people are kind enough to point out to me that some guy is trying his darndest to get my attention but most of the time it goes right over my head!  Ironically I just finished posting on another thread about love.  I left my husband 14 years ago and since then have been well and truly single.  A relationship of any form isn't really on my mind.

[chemonro]

Hi Pudge, you got to be who you are, right? I mean, who else could you be? The mind boggles! 

[Alessandra1992]

Hey Pudge,
Wow. Your story resonates as it's one so similar to my best friend it's not funny..He works in law and over time says he has almost straight jacketed himself into being so conservative it is ridiculous. Yet, over the past 20 years or more, many other colleagues have been not been so self censuring around their personality or their sensuality. He sees it is part of his MI that he has gone to great lengths to live a very celibate life as he believed it kept him safe.

My view is that he is now readjusting his worldview, and it comes down to our view of ourselves. That we are fundamentally worthwhile people, that we are loveable and loving. The challenge for everyone is the risk in opening our hearts to others...

So keep doing the great personal development, so glad you're getting comfortable with your own identity and romantic love..well that often comes when least expected as JT said...

Good things are happening and your family is supportive, you shouldn't feel compelled to tell people, URs a very personal decision. A bit similar to sharing we have MI challenges...we don't disclose unless we want to😀

[Neb]

I really liked your post Pudge, it cannot ever be easy by NOT following societal norms etc. Please promise me you will never do what happened when I met a new co- worker " hi, I am Brad and I am gay", which caught me off guard and I replied " hi I am Neb, and I don't give a " rude word" what you are". It was rather rude on my part , but really what you do in your life outside of the workplace surely is no- ones business but your own.

You will find if not already, girls will love being friends with you as there is none of the sexual angling happening, you can just be FRIENDS. Anyhow, all the best with that stuff, and I trust the depression and anxiety will lessen because of it.

[tam63]

Hi pudge,

I can't possibly offer advice, having not been in a relationship for twenty years, but I think we all have to think about our response to a society that is a little crazed about sex and sexuality. By that I mean, excessive media reporting on relationships, body shape, appearance. On the good side, media reporting on being gay is much more positive than when I was young. Personally, I have schizophrenia, and find it easier to adopt a radical celibate position, but then I am in my fifties. However, coming out even in 2014 is complicated and no doubt painful. Just my two cents.
Tam

[kristin]

Dear Pudge,

Welcome to the forum! Thanks for your courageous and honest post.

I agree that you are a very open person, if what you have shared here is any indication. That can at times be painful. I think you are very wise sharing with people as you feel comfortable to do so. This is one thing where there is a lot of common ground with MI generally - honouring oneself and one's intuition about what and who is safe. I also see you are quite insightful and work at getting help when you need it. Great traits for fostering wellness.

I know how difficult it can be to carry not one but two things which tend to be stigmatised in society, for you being gay and suffering from MI, for me being a survivor of childhood sexual abuse and suffering from MI. I think there has been some excellent encouragement and advice offered here already about what you might try.

I can offer a suggestion about the panic attacks (they're excruciating) - there is a reason for them, so when you are past one it is worth reflecting on what the cause might have been. Sometimes it is not (or only partly) the obvious thing. I found working on them in this way (and using some mindfulness techniques) diminished them and also the anxiety build-up that preceded them (or maybe I just examine the anxiety before I get to the panic so it doesn't get that bad?). Anyway I hope that's somewhat helpful.

Here's a poem for you, which I wrote last year. I hope you like it

Gifts

Are we:
black or white
male or female
left or right
straight or gay
up or down
broken or whole
slave or free
human or alien
theophile or atheist
agnostic, Christian,
Jew, Muslim, Hindu,
etcetera to eternity?

Or are these
Merely labels –
Boxes we strive to inhabit
At our own, or others’,
Volition
Whilst we foster
The courage
To open-heartedly
Become
Ourselves?

Surely this
Is the gift
We have to offer
To ourselves
Others
The world
God?
(However we name,
decry, or deny)

Kristin © June 2013

I wish you good journeying 

Kind regards, Kristin