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Community Elder

Crashed and burned

Emotionally that’s where I’m at right now. I’m avoiding everyone and even though I did go out today with my support worker, I just wanted to come home and hide. 

I know in reality I should have expected an overwhelming flatness to strike, my meds are grossly reduced at the moment so there is little precious serotonin floating around my synapses. I feel depressed and melancholy. I burst into tears at the sight of Notre Dame ablaze and I’m not even sure why. I have no special affinity with Paris or even Europe. 

I guess this is reality now, right this very moment. At least my reality, away from the cushion of medication controlling how I think and behave. Withdrawal sucks.

I don’t even know why I’m writing this. A few short days ago I was on top of my world and now I’m gutted. 

I give up. White flag definitely waving.

27 REPLIES 27

Re: Crashed and burned

hey @Queenie

I can empathise. Today I had brunch with a friend and then went for a wander around the city and to a bookstore. A pretty low key day. Yet I just felt so void or empty.

The past few days it has been like that in fact. My sleep is stronger than it has been - making getting up even harder.

I am trying to figure out career crap too.

Idk. I know how you feel though. Sometimes it is really hard and there just seems like there is no immediate answer right?

Re: Crashed and burned

@Queenie  Hi Queenie how come you are off your meds? is it due to your shaking arm etc? Sorry to hear that you are flat today. How is your exercising going? Love greenpea x

Re: Crashed and burned

Thanks @Hamsolo01 for your reply, it’s kind of weirdly comforting to know I’m not alone in this void. 

@greenpea  I’m coming off meds at the moment due to tardive dyskinesia. I’m slowly being reduced to nothing before starting something (not sure what) else. My gp said given my condition I should be doing this in hospital, but I didn’t want to ruin Easter so here I am.

Re: Crashed and burned

I think Notre Dame would be close to many people whether youv'e been there or not. If you have read the history of France you felt it or if you have read the hunchback of Notre Dame you would have felt a pang of pain. I too am withdrawing it's one of my rules of survival ,no phone calls ,no emails to any on except sane forum, don't talk to any one. I dare not go out because I can't be sure I can maintain control. I would rather stay home and withdraw to feel safe and to keep my credibility intact. Writing things down helps you to put things into perspective. "He who fights and runs away,lives to fight another day."

Re: Crashed and burned

Sorry to hear that you are really going through a tough time @Queenie. Is it possible to go into hospital after Easter?  

Re: Crashed and burned

I don’t know @Ali11 if it’s a possibility. I’d like to avoid it if I can because it will take about a month. I always feel so defeated when I’m in there. I have an important appointment on the 9th of May I cannot miss with the NDIA so I guess I’ll see how I go.

Re: Crashed and burned

@Queenie sorry to hear you are not feeling well. It is tough to deal with tardive dyskinesia. It is understandable that you don’t feel well. I had a lot of these periods in my twenty five years fight with mental illness. This is the worst ,not knowing where it would go to or end up with. But you seem very strong and holding on. I was suicidal daily hourly for long periods of time. The helplines were good. May be Wellness Recovery Action Plan can help. You can google it. Things that can give you bit of lift, however small. Plans who to contact where to go when things get bad.

These days when I don’t feel much else, I just sit and read the forum which is soothing.

 

Hope you will feel better soon.

Re: Crashed and burned

@Hamsolo01 Hope you will feel better soon. Working out career is tough for most people when they are young. It took me a very long time to work out mine. Many many times, I felt empty, void and wanting to give up. But eventually, now I feel more settled. I think it is the not knowing where it may end up the worst. But for most people it works out. You are smart,caring and brave, everything will work your way.

Take care.

Re: Crashed and burned

I feel ultra strange. I am sure it is just the meds (or lack thereof).

I keep seeing strange things like halos and objects floating in space (a bit like large vitreous floaters but instead it's actual objects like bugs). I can also feel a bit strange in my body like jumping from within, like if I try too hard I might just jump out of my body. It's weird and I know it's probably withdrawals from reducing meds and coming off one of them.

I don't start my new medication until May 2. Then it will take about 14 days to increase to a relatively treatable dose I was told by my doctor. I also feel agitated and low. I cried watching horse racing today even though I wasn't interested in it. I started a huge spiel about how horses are so beautiful and they were my favourite animal. I spoke out loud about them for about an hour. I didn't even notice my family leave for a car trip (which I noticed later I wasn't invited for). 

I feel click clacky in the brain. Like I can hear my brain functioning. I guess this is crashing and burning. I just hope I don't wind up in hospital. That would ruin everything for everyone.

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