17-04-2019 08:38 PM
Emotionally that’s where I’m at right now. I’m avoiding everyone and even though I did go out today with my support worker, I just wanted to come home and hide.
I know in reality I should have expected an overwhelming flatness to strike, my meds are grossly reduced at the moment so there is little precious serotonin floating around my synapses. I feel depressed and melancholy. I burst into tears at the sight of Notre Dame ablaze and I’m not even sure why. I have no special affinity with Paris or even Europe.
I guess this is reality now, right this very moment. At least my reality, away from the cushion of medication controlling how I think and behave. Withdrawal sucks.
I don’t even know why I’m writing this. A few short days ago I was on top of my world and now I’m gutted.
I give up. White flag definitely waving.
17-04-2019 11:14 PM
17-04-2019 02:09 AM
@Queenie Hi Queenie how come you are off your meds? is it due to your shaking arm etc? Sorry to hear that you are flat today. How is your exercising going? Love greenpea x
17-04-2019 01:03 PM
Thanks @Hamsolo01 for your reply, it’s kind of weirdly comforting to know I’m not alone in this void.
@greenpea I’m coming off meds at the moment due to tardive dyskinesia. I’m slowly being reduced to nothing before starting something (not sure what) else. My gp said given my condition I should be doing this in hospital, but I didn’t want to ruin Easter so here I am.
18-04-2019 05:04 PM
18-04-2019 10:07 PM - edited 18-04-2019 10:09 PM
Sorry to hear that you are really going through a tough time @Queenie. Is it possible to go into hospital after Easter?
18-04-2019 01:07 PM
I don’t know @Ali11 if it’s a possibility. I’d like to avoid it if I can because it will take about a month. I always feel so defeated when I’m in there. I have an important appointment on the 9th of May I cannot miss with the NDIA so I guess I’ll see how I go.
18-04-2019 01:46 PM
@Queenie sorry to hear you are not feeling well. It is tough to deal with tardive dyskinesia. It is understandable that you don’t feel well. I had a lot of these periods in my twenty five years fight with mental illness. This is the worst ,not knowing where it would go to or end up with. But you seem very strong and holding on. I was suicidal daily hourly for long periods of time. The helplines were good. May be Wellness Recovery Action Plan can help. You can google it. Things that can give you bit of lift, however small. Plans who to contact where to go when things get bad.
These days when I don’t feel much else, I just sit and read the forum which is soothing.
Hope you will feel better soon.
18-04-2019 02:02 PM
@Hamsolo01 Hope you will feel better soon. Working out career is tough for most people when they are young. It took me a very long time to work out mine. Many many times, I felt empty, void and wanting to give up. But eventually, now I feel more settled. I think it is the not knowing where it may end up the worst. But for most people it works out. You are smart,caring and brave, everything will work your way.
20-04-2019 09:23 PM
I feel ultra strange. I am sure it is just the meds (or lack thereof).
I keep seeing strange things like halos and objects floating in space (a bit like large vitreous floaters but instead it's actual objects like bugs). I can also feel a bit strange in my body like jumping from within, like if I try too hard I might just jump out of my body. It's weird and I know it's probably withdrawals from reducing meds and coming off one of them.
I don't start my new medication until May 2. Then it will take about 14 days to increase to a relatively treatable dose I was told by my doctor. I also feel agitated and low. I cried watching horse racing today even though I wasn't interested in it. I started a huge spiel about how horses are so beautiful and they were my favourite animal. I spoke out loud about them for about an hour. I didn't even notice my family leave for a car trip (which I noticed later I wasn't invited for).
I feel click clacky in the brain. Like I can hear my brain functioning. I guess this is crashing and burning. I just hope I don't wind up in hospital. That would ruin everything for everyone.
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