Friends, Family & Carers Forum

[Phoebe]

Hi there
I'm new and haven't used any carer support groups online or in person before .. my partner of 20 years has anxiety depression and bipolar II . I'm struggling more recently to be patient and kind - I've had my own stresses to deal with this year and realise it's time to look after myself and get some support for me ...
This week I'm struggling with my partner sleeping a lot and being needy medically - rashes , falls , headaches , migraines etc... always seems to be something

I'm losing motivation to want to make an effort in life at all let alone deal with her problems -I'm still grieving my step fathers unexpected traumatic death 6 months ago and life is feeling sad and bleak right now .. a few weeks ago my fathers cancer returned and it nearly tipped me over ...

Any tips for coping in stressful times ??

Stupid stuff like getting out of bed is getting hard for me - I'm afraid of losing my job

[Former-Member]

Hi @Phoebe

Welcome to the forums. I hope you find the support you are looking for at Sane - there is a lot of friendly wise members here so I believe you will. Others will jump on board in time.

I am glad you have reached out for support - with all the stress you are under you also need to care for yourself lest you become depressed yourself.

What has helped me to cope under such; (I have not only suffered depression but am now a carer for my physically ill husband and my daughter suffers bi-polar and BPD); is to allow myself some respite by pursuing my own personal goals. This was very limited at first and then gradually built these activities up to my own limitations. I made time for myself to do activities I enjoyed, stayed in touch with friends and to get out of the house and give to the community I decided to volunteer one day a week (sometimes two). This has been very rewarding for my own self confidence and anxiety. Finding that balance of caring for others whilst still nurturing a life of my own. To cope its all about balance and keeping a positive vision with not only caring for others but self care as well. Too much one way or the other will lead to burn out and emptiness. 

There are also face to face carer support groups in each State that you may find helpful to cope. You can google them and find one near to where you live.

For awhile I was on AD medications which helped but now I just do the above to cope. Also it's important to allow ourselves to grieve as much a we need, but also not spend too much time in isolation alone with our thoughts. When things got really bad it came down to living from moment to moment one day at a time and looking for the good in each day no matter how small. Also living in the day and not thinking and worrying about tomorrow helped me to not become overwhelmed enabling me to cope better. This all helped to move forward and cope under a very heavy load which I am still under to this day. Hope to see you around the forums 😊

[Phoebe]

@Former-Member thankyou for your support - I have been feeling worried about becoming depressed and saw a psychiatrist.. now I have some antidepressants
And sleeping tabs to help me sleep and not stay up late crying or worrying. The drugs have definitely emotionally steadied me and enabled me to just hold on to my job... I cry less but I still frequently feel overwhelmed with tasks I haven't done, sad about my step dad and dad and with my partner being depressed anxious and on more psych drugs than ever she is not very practically helpful with housework let alone supporting me ... then I get frustrated with my partner for not being able to help more .. then I feel bad for not being more supportive of her ... the thing I find hardest is waking up and getting out of bed - how do you motivate yourself to get up on time and be bothered to get to work ? I can't lose my job I'll be in a world more trouble if I lose my job

[Former-Member]

Hello again @Phoebe - I am happy to be of some help. I know how tough it can be.

I am glad you sought help and you are on something that is helping you through this difficult time. Grief can be so hard to carry and anything on top seems a mammoth task.

What helps me get up for my volunteer work or other commitments. Largely an act of will - I push myself up, shower, have a banana and then out the door. What helps to make this easier - take any meds about 2-3 hours before bed (I take sleeping meds only now at 9:00 asleep at 11:00). Gettiing plenty of sleep is a big help to getting up on time and to cope. Being very organised gettingnthings done then allowing myself some down time relaxing before bed. Doing what I can around the house when I can without overdoing it. 

I understand your partner  would be struggling with MI on meds, but she needs to do some things for herself.  What would she do if you were not around? And this isn't fair on you as your health is suffering. Perhaps calmly and gently put this to her asking her to do some light duties such as cleaning up after herself and just keeping her room and environment tidy. This is essential to do to improve mental health for anyone. Don't do everything my friend. It won't only help you but her also. That has been my experience.

I hope this helps some. Hugs 🤗 

[Phoebe]

@Former-Member it's a week later and I had a confusing day - in the morning I had a photography one on one tutorial which was sensational and inspiring - then in the afternoon I had first session with my new grief psychologist... she was lovely and professional and totally on point - however now I feel totally drained and frozen and stuck again - it's 125am and I had to force myself to go to bed as I was stuck in a trance in front of the Television.... now I'm waiting for sleep med to kick in so I can finally get some sleep ... I'm soooo happy as I feel this psychologist may really be able to help me and guide me through my crazy waves of grief and growing sense of being overwhelmed in all areas of my life ...but we only had first get to know you session - my homework now as I go for a holiday is to focus on watching my thoughts come and go and emotions too as of they were weather and I am the sky --- watch them pass ... also homework is to take care of myself and nurture myself... notice where I feel emotions in my body when they do come and go ... I'm committed to seeing sessions through with this psychologist and for first time trust a therapist to be skilled and professional to do their job ... I can't go on like this and can't wait to pull myself out of my mess and Into a new balanced life that makes me happy to be alive

[Former-Member]

Hi @Phoebe

Great to hear from you again and read that you found a wonderful grief counsellor that is helping guide you through this difficult time. Sitting in front of the TV late in a trance - yes have done this myself when feeling overwhelmed with anxiety, grief and worry. In time as the counselling progresses and you practise more and more of letting your emotions flow and self nurturing you will continue to improve. You will have your days when you will feel stuck, your bad days but these will become less as the good days become more.

Keep going the way you are as you are on the right track to overcoming life's adversities - and grief can take time but does pass. Look forward to that balanced life that will make you feel glad to be alive as it will happen in time. I am working on this myself as I face my own stressors and grief. We will ge there. Please keep posting and know you are not alone 😊

[Phoebe]

Thankyou so much @Former-Member I have banned myself from tv tonite and decided to finish packing my bags for a trip I'm taking with my mum - my recently deceased step father was supposed to go and now I'm taking his place - will be lovely to hug mum and look after each other for 12 days ... my partner is super anxious about being alone during this time but she has supports in place so I have to trust she can care for herself - I hardly ever leave her so this is hard for us both - I will try to phone her each day if I can and she can remember how much I love her and she is not really alone

[Former-Member]

Your welcome @Phoebe Glad you dragged yourself from the TV to pack and get a reasonably early night. Makes coping with the next day so much easier. How exciting - a trip away with your mum!! This will help you to relax more for sure whilst making very special lasting memories. It will also help ease your grief and mental health as a whole. Just what the doctor ordered 😊 It will be a very special time for you and your mum for sure.

Its a good that you will ring your partner everyday to let her know how much you care and to check in. This will also be good for her self confidence to know she can cope on her own for awhile. Good all round for both of you and your mum. Have a wonderful trip away. I Look forward to hearing all about it on your return 😄xx