Lived Experience Forum

[Ellie2000]

Hello Everyone,

I have just signed up and decided to tell my story and reach out to this community who may understand me and what has happened in my life.

I have just been diagnosed with BPD after 15 years of suffering and wrong diagnoses. I'm not sure how to feel about this but I know that it has come just in time. 

2 weeks ago I had given up.  I have always had mood swings, suicidal thoughts, trouble coping, breakdowns, anger, depression, anxiety.  I am 36 and have 2 failed marriages. I am bankrupt. Who was i to be a parent to my 2 beautiful children that deserved everything in the world? I was nothing.

2 weeks ago was my first attempt at taking my life. For the first time the guilt of leaving my children and family wasn't kicking in. I was numb and the voices were loud in my head.  This voice was a man. Noone that I recognised but his words had pushed me to the edge where i was jumping off. Life in the end had other plans for me. Everything possible went wrong (or right) and I wasn't able to go through with it.  The horrible part was i was disappointed.

1 week ago I had planned to take my life for the second time.  Again fate stepped in and I ended up in the local psych ward.  I have spent the last week in there feeling petrified, lost, sad and again disappointed. 

The last week ended up being the best thing that has ever happened to my mental illness.  I have been on the wrong medication for the past 15 years.  I was diagnosed and given a gift so great. A cure. A light at the end of a very long and very dark tunnel.  I can be a good mother to my children, I can live without pain, I can control my emotions.  I didn't care that it may take years. This was a fight I can win.  Instead of just surviving and existing through battle after battle and war after war.

I start my intense psychotherapy tomorrow and I know the road is going to be long and scary.  I know that my past can't be changed but my future can be shaped by me.  I have started reading up on BPD and getting myself armed for this fight. 

Thank you for taking the time to read this.  It feels good to get some of it out of very busy head.

Ellie

[Mosaic]

Hi @Ellie2000

Welcome to the Forums – it is great to have you be a part of our community. I do hope you will find it a warm and encouraging place to visit, somewhere where you can connect with others who are walking through a similar journey – we look forward to coming alongside you as you step out into this new season of recovery. 🙂

I must say reading your story this afternoon was really inspiring! It sounds like you have been to hell and back, and just recently have had a major breakthrough by finding the right diagnosis and treatment. I’m sure this must feel like a huge relief, given all you have been through recently. It sounds like you are feeling really motivated towards putting in the hard yards with psychotherapy… and while this is a bit daunting and scary, at the same time you are feeling hopeful about the future? Wishing you all the best with your first appointment tomorrow!! 🙂

I am sure many others on here can relate to your story in a range of ways. Let me introduce a few friends here who also have some experience with BPD @Ellie @peace @shanc @Rose11 @Crazy_Bug_Lady @Raven @isabella @kristin @Jynxme

If you're interested, you can parooze the various threads relating to BPD here. Also - you might like to have a read through our recent Topic Tuesday on BPD – Debunking the Myths

Welcome again, and I look forward to ‘seeing’ you around the place!

All the best,
Mosaic

[Former-Member]

Hi @Ellie2000

So glad you are here. I'm in my 30s with two kids as well. I'm single, not yet divorced (unfortunately) but been seperated for over 2 years now (phew).

I'm so sorry to hear that things have gotten so awful for you lately and that you've been through so much. Your strength and resilience have shone through so much in what you wrote about being able to face the future with hope, but also realistic in that you know its going to be hard too (but worth it!!). I have had a similar experience. At the start of this year, i really fell into a hole, because so unwell that I did try to take my life. I felt like anything would be better for my kids than me. I ended up in hospital for a month but I learnt that there was help and there were people that i could reach out to (where i'd felt so completely alone before that). I started talking to my psychologist.. far more openly than i had before and really trying whole heartedly to tackle some of the stuff that was so dark in my head. In some ways.. i think i had to fall over to that extreme place, in order for me to realise how i could heal and how i could start to get better.. hmm not sure I can explain that very well.

I dont have BPD but i have depression and ptsd, and medication has definitely been one important part of my continual recovery. I still have times where things are or just seem so hard that its almost pointless but i since January i have found that I reach out more often and am able to rely on the fact that I'm not alone. Being here has also helped so much because i see how strong other people are every day (like you!) and also that there are lots of us who have been through some similar tough times, reacting to lifes crappy situations in similar ways and helps me to kind of feel more 'normal' and be a lot kinder to myself too. 

I hope that you keep posting, and find some help on the forums! Take care of yourself,

LJ

[Ellie2000]

Thank you Mosaic, you gave me a lovely welcome. My first appointment was very hard. Unfortunately it has knocked me. To be expected but I think I just realised the extent of what I need to achieve. I will make sure that I take a look at the various BPD threads thank you for the links.

see you around 🙂

[Appleblossom]

Welcome

I can certainly relate to not feeling worthy of my children. I am not sure about my diagnoses.  Good luck with your treatment.

[NikNik]

@Ellie2000 - what an inspiring story, thank you so much for sharing it with us.

Regardless of diagnosis, I think many (sadly) have a similar battle around diagnosis. Your story is testament to perseverance paying off (even with a little fate thrown into it)!

I hope you keep checking in, keeping us updated on how it's going and encourage others to keep going.

Nik