Lived Experience Forum

[gautama]

I have a long Psychiatric history which began in 1972. I guess like many others I have amassed an array of diagnosis's and have paced the corridors of many inpatient Psychiatric units.                                                   My childhood was one of constant moving as my father died when I was one yo and my mother was compelled to seek work whereever she could. Some of those moves involved religious institutions where, to put it mildly,  some of the priests were overly friendly.                                                                                        Such experiences impact people in different ways when time extricates them from their prediciment - For me that meant that any form of intimacy was impossible and so, to this day, I have never had a sexual encounter or been on a first date. I loathe having to shake someones hand and will never accept a hug. Even to see simulated sex in movies that I see seems to me to be an act of rape - Intimacy equates to an act of violation and when I see it in movies I feel compelled to look away.                                                         Such aversion has its counterpart in social situations and in forming friendships. I have never had a friend and my primary and only real contact with the outside world is in the form of appointments with mental health workers: Psychiatrists: case managers and so on. I remain suspicious of other peoples motives and ask myself 'What do they want of me?' In many ways I am still a child and am reexperiencing a helplesness which was imposed upon me in those grotesque fumblings and cruel, lustful eyes that are as vivid to me today as they were in the genesis of my earliest memories. I must stop now.

[Former-Member]

Hi and welcome @gautama,

I'm really glad that you have posted here. I have found the forums to be a really safe place to begin to let down my barriers so to speak. I'm always sad to hear of people's childhoods being cut short by other peoples actions... as mine was as well. I also find physical relations to be really difficult and have struggled to maintain or have healthy relationships. I can also relate to how you said that you see respond to people like a child.. because i do that too. When I feel really threatened or scared i revert back to feeling like i am as powerless as i was as a small child and freeze. Thank you for sharing some of your story, I know that its really hard to start, and putting your self out there is really courageous.

There are lots of friendly and supportive people on this site, I hope to see you around the forums some more soon 🙂

LJ

[Jacques]

Hi @gautama,

Welcome to the forums, i hope you manage to get help here and make some new friends.

I understand how you feel, i feel the same, i have always been taught that sex is dirty and it is something to be avoided, my body wants it, but my mind finds it uncomfortable, i have never had any sexual relationships either, i find it extremely uncomfortable to hug, or have any physical contact.

I have been physically harmed by nuns, and so have a very hard time liking religion, i have no contact with anyone and have been housebound for 14 years, i have no friends.

I feel like i am an alien from another planet, i feel like i don't belong here, i feel like "the real world" is for someone else.

I never trust anyone, i push everyone away if they get too close, i have been burned by "friends" so many times i avoid any frinedships now.

I hope your treating team is able to help you deal with some of these issues, i am here if you would like to talk some more, and i am sure others will offer support too.

Thank you for sharing you experiances, i sometimes feel like i am the only one who has these feelings.

i hope to see you around the forum, good luck, take care

Jacques

[Rockpool]

Hi @gautama,

A warm welcome to the SANE forums

Thank you for sharing your experience, as @Former-Member said, its often not easy to share your experience with others, particularly when you are sharing painful memories and how these still effect you today.

I am sorry to hear that this has happened to you and that the actions of another have affected your life so greatly and left you feeling a sense of helplessness. This feeling is common after what you have experienced I am glad that you have support around you in the form of a mental health team and hopefully you will find more support with the supportive people on this forum.

You may already have this information as you have been living with the effects of these events for many years now, however the Adults Surviving Child Abuse (ASCA) website may have some helpful information for you. In particular, there is a book that is posted on the website called “Reclaiming Myself” which you can access if you are interested.

If you feel as though you need some support over the phone you can also contact ASCA on their helpline on 1300 657 380.

Thank you again for sharing your experience with us and I look forward to ‘seeing’ you around the forums soon

Rockpool

[Rockpool]

Sorry I didnt give the link for the website. Here it is if you would like to check it out: http://www.asca.org.au/Survivors.aspx

[gautama]

Thank you for all your posts. I really didn't know what I would say and have come to this site a few times without being able to find a place to begin. But yesterday I thought I would give a brief account of my involvement in the psychiatric system without really having any idea of what I would do then.                          What followed surprised me as I have never spoken about these issues before with such candour.                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                            It is not always easy to determine the precursors that precede the difficulties which we are obliged to confront in life. While childhood abuse, which is regretably far too common, can distort and corrupt and leave an indelible mark upon our character throughout life it is something I rarely think about.                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                I am unable to understand myself in terms of it and woul

[gautama]

The rest of my post for some reason dissapeared.  Thank you once again for your responces.

[NikNik]

Hi @gautama - I'm really bummed that something went haywire with your post. I hope that you continue to share your story though!
Nik