Lived Experience Forum

[BPD-Girl]

Hey all, my name is Simone and I’m not really sure where to start so guess I’ll just start.. what has occurred with the commencement of the lockdown from COVID-19 has pushed me over the edge and I am mentally struggling on a pretty deep level.

On the 19th March I went in for laparoscopy surgery for a pre-existing condition.. I took a week and a half off work, basically isolated myself from everyone and used the time to get some much needed rest and boy did I need it! As someone who is always busy working 1 full time job in admin and 2 part time jobs and a hike leader and Uber driver, exercising almost every night, volunteering for parks Victoria and not getting much time to relax I was loving the idea of finally putting my feet up!

When I recovered from surgery I was well rested and ready and more determined then ever to push on with all the stuff I filled my time with.. as soon as I went to do so we’re suddenly all in lockdown..

I was told I’m working from home so no need to go into the office, I received an email from Parks to say volunteering has been ceased, where I exercise normally is closed, I was fired from my part time job as a hike leader and Uber isn’t safe to do. One thing after another...

It has been 3 weeks now and I have basically had no social contact with anyone except my boyfriend. I stay home all day completely alone.

I feel like I just watched everything I worked for for months go down the drain and I feel like there is no hope as I now have to start all over again.

I did Uber so I could pay off my debt quicker as my full time job pays monthly.. my buffer zone from Uber is being quickly chewed up. I did volunteering as I have a ambition to work with Parks Victoria one day. I was applying for 3 day a week jobs so I could study the qualification needed to work for Parks and despite applying for various jobs months before the lockdown and no calls I get a call 3 days after lockdown asking me to attend an interview for a job which would have been perfect! I had to turn it down because I need employment stability. What timing!

What is the worst thing is when I feel down, upset or fed up with the world I go on a solo hike.. I get away.. I am now barred from doing that and feel like I’m a prisoner. All my passions, dreams, ambitions out of reach.

I have been stuck in my own head for weeks and my mind is turning to the dark side. I can’t  see anything positives anymore and there is no hope.. seemingly.

I am stuck at a job I am miserable at and hate! now not able to leave.. there’s nothing getting me through the day. I have no escape, no outlet, nothing to look forward to and because of my mind turning on me my moods are foul and my boyfriend and I are on a tether..

I know theres worse out there then me but it just feels everything I worked for, that made me happy, wanted to achieve, did achieve is gone.. I don’t feel like myself anymore.

Thank you for listening.

[CheerBear]

Hi @BPD-Girl and welcome to the forum. Sorry to hear it's really hard for you at the moment. This is having a huge impact in so many ways and the sudden stop to life as we know it is really tough.

I get that feeling of ambitions, dreams and everything you worked for being gone all of a sudden. I went through something similar, under completely different circumstances, a few years ago and there was lots of loss and grief involved for me. It was extra hard as I too lost the ability to do the things that would usually help me cope. It felt like there was no escape and no outlet at the time for me also. It really, really sucked.

I just wanted to come by and acknowledge your post and the feelings you're going through at the moment. Recognising that there are others who have it worse can be great for perspective but it doesn't change our own reality. Being stuck, feeling like there is no hope and not feeling like yourself is really hard.

It's great to see you reaching out here. When I was struggling (when I struggle now too) I felt really alone and that alone-ness can amplify all the dark and hard stuff. It helps me to be here on the forum and know I'm not alone. I hope it helps you to connect here too.

[nashy]

Hey there @BPD-Girl really sorry to hear about the impacts this virus has had, it sounds like you are a super ambitious person who had put a lot of incredible actions into place to shift things. I can imagine being an outdoors person this is having a strain on your emotions, and I can understand most relationships are being impacted being in such close confines with your partner (I know even mine has probably had enough off me being around the house on the daily! ). The debt thing is challenging, but it sounds like most of Australia will be in the same boat, many people will be unable to pay debts and I don't doubt there will need to be a national understanding from big organisations. I think the best thing we can do is take it day by day, use this time to continue to expand your knowledge of environmental science and conservation, because when this all comes to - you will be so much more equipped and knowledgable! Doors will open again at your dream job, dream jobs are always there for the taking 🙂 We had our friends from Smiling Mind pop in on Tuesday night, you can read here - they have so many great mindfulness strategies to employ at home. I hope this helps a bit, let us know how you're getting on 

[Got_the_tshirt]

Hi @BPD-Girl 

I'm so sorry you're feeling that way. Good on you for reaching out here. I really hope it helps🤞.

Thinking of you and sending support. 

Recently I had a particularly low patch - largely relating to the disruption the CV19 restrictions have had on my routine, stability, equilibrium, coping strategies - and mental health. I'm not suggesting it's the same as yours, but I wanted to let you know you're not alone. As for cabin fever....!! 

Your comment about others being worse off really resonated with me - because I felt guilty reaching out for help when there are doubtless others worse off than me. I think it's healthy to be mindful of the plight of others, but that doesn't diminish any pain we may be feeling, or our need for connection, help, or support. You are as entitled to care and support as anyone. We all are. It's not disrespectful to anyone who may be worse off. Hopefully they will also reach out for help and be supported.

A couple of thoughts in case they help:

Are you barred from leaving your house at all? Even from going for a walk staying the recommended distance away from other people? If so I'm sorry. But if not, perhaps a walk? (Admittedly not your usual solo hike). Are you allowed to walk with a friend (the appropriate distance apart)? 

Alternatively, are phone calls or video chats an option??

Lastly, in case you haven't looked into it, the Government's "Jobkeeper" program may be worth looking into in case it applies? If it does, it may help ease the financial stress?

Wishing you the best. 

Take care,

GTT 

[Got_the_tshirt]

Hi @BPD-Girl 

The below ABC article (published this afternoon) summarises the latest Government advice/rules etc:

https://apple.news/AT2nyOH05S4y_Y1O4t6dCPA

(Sorry I couldn't make link better, but copy and paste into your browser should do it).

Unless there are specific rules that apply to you, it seems exercise is a valid "essential" reason for leaving home and you can do it with one friend (the "two person rule") provided you keep 1.5m apart.

So if you felt up for it, perhaps you can go for a walk??

Best wishes

GTT

[BPD-Girl]

Hi @Got_the_tshirt 

Thank you for your reply back to my post.. the government have mentioned people are allowed out of their house for exercise but ALL of the places I go to exercise are closed.. plus to keep sane I go out hiking and all campsites as well as most parks are closed for hiking 😔 I am contemplating next week going for walks around the block but it’s just not the same.

[Got_the_tshirt]

Hi @BPD-Girl 

No worries. Just suggestions. I miss my favourite activities too. 
Thinking of you. Here to listen if you need.

Best wishes and take care.

GTT