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GoodDaddy
New Contributor

My BiPolar wife of 11 years is leaving me

Hello, and thank all of you in advance for your help and support. My wife and I have been married for about 11 years and we have a 9 year old daughter together. We have been in a relationship together since she was 19, so about 15 years. She was diagnosed with bipolar well before our marriage began.

It has been, in my opinion a very good relationship. We have had very few fights, and when we disagree we have always been able to talk through things and work it out. I admit that we had gotten into a rut. A peck on the lips hello or good bye. evenings spent on seperate couches me watching tv and her on her computer. I had mainly been sleeping on the couch for a while as my snoring bothered her sleep. Still I was shocked when, about 3 weeks ago, she told me she doesn't love me anymore and wants a divorce. She says I am a great guy, I haven't truly done anything wrong, and she wants to remain freinds. 

Her mental health has never really been a factor in our relationship. she has always managed her symptoms and her medications very closely, and taken good care of herself. She has a stong sense of independance and always masked her moods and told me it is her problem to deal with and I should not worry or get involved in it. I foolishly allowed her that burdon on her own per her wishes and because it never seemed to harm our relationship. she also has an auto-immune disorder which causes her great joint pain and limits her physical activity. She is a professional mental health councilor that works with very ill, suicidal clients that have been trough truly terrible things. I know this job brings her great stress. I also know it gives her the knowledge to mask her symptoms very well, and to control conversations. She was recenlty in a scary car accident that broke a bone in her heal resulting in her having surgery to put screws in her foot. I believe that if she is in fact having a mood swing that this accident may have been the trigger. She admits to some PTSD from the accident, and walking on crutches is a great frustration for her. 

She claims she is leaving me because we have grown apart, we have nothing in common, and she has deep seeded resentment from me making her feel like she is never good enough. I have never felt that way about her, I am very proud of her and her accomplishments. She also thinks I should not want to be with her because she is a self proclaimed workaholic. Again this confuses me as I don't think she is, I have never had a problem with her work ethic and have greatly supported her career and her path to achieving it. 

She says divorce is not a big deal, people do it all the time and that our daughter will not be negatively impacted by it. She used to cry after loosing her temper with our daughter saying that she is "screwing her up" and yet now she thinks something as big as divorce will not affect her? Our daughter is strongly family oriented, more so I think than even other kids her age. Our daughter has also already been diagnosed with anxiety and ADHD. 

SHe is refusing marriage counciling, which shocks me b/c we have always been communicators not so mention this she is herself a councilor and puts a lot of faith in the practice. she is refusing trial seperation and filed official paperwork with the courts only a couple days after announcing to me that she wanted to divorce. Even though she has filed for divorce she intends to live in our home the next three months while she gets her affects in order, and still generally carries on as if we are on good terms. she makes causual conversation with me and conducts her normal routine. the only difference is I can not touch or kiss her and after our daughter goes to bed she will retire to the spare room or bedroom rather than hang out in the living room with me. she has gotten emotional on maybe three occasions and has lost some weight. if not for those things I would think she was not feeling anything at all about this. 

There are real problems such as us getting into a rut and her apparently carrying a grudge that I feel negative things about her even though I don't. I can't see that there is anything so wrong in our relationship that is doesn't warrant trying to repair however. I also find her decision making and the way she is going about this to be extremely selfish and out of character for her. 

How do I figure out if this is bipolar related, some type of mid life crisis, or if she really is just chosing to go onto a different path while of sound mind?

If it is bipolar what can I expect? when the cycle ends would she suddenly regret her actions and come back around?

7 REPLIES 7

Re: My BiPolar wife of 11 years is leaving me

GoodDaddy you must be reeling. It sounds very hard to be on the recieving end of a decision like that. 

Re: My BiPolar wife of 11 years is leaving me

Yes, it is proving to be a terrible rollercoaster of emotions. I just can't believe she would do this to our daughter and me without allowing any attempts to repair and improve the relationship. It seems so unlike her.

Are there any tips to help me determine if this is related to her bi-polar disorder or not? Knowing why this is happening would be a good first step to understanding how to deal with it and i can't get anything out of her beyond what I said above. 

 

Re: My BiPolar wife of 11 years is leaving me

Hello @GoodDaddy

 

below I have copied some information  from the facts and guides sheets which Sane provides ;

 

Living with, or having a close relationship with, someone who has Bipolar disorder can be demanding if they have extreme moods. If they are feeling depressed, it’s important to remember that problems such as having trouble getting out of bed and lack of motivation aren’t laziness, but symptoms of an illness which can be seriously disabling.

During times of mania or hypomania, the person may feel there’s nothing wrong and become angry if you suggest there’s a problem. When the episode has passed, ask them to suggest what’s the most helpful thing you can do when they are becoming unwell.

Remember, carers need to look after their own health too. When someone you care about has an extreme emotional state, it’s natural for you to be affected by this.

While caring for the person, try to maintain your own life, interests and feelings. Eating good food, getting regular exercise and making time to relax all help you stay in good shape physically and mentally – and that makes it easier to cope. This will help you be a better carer, as well as help your own mental health.

Many people find it helpful to be in touch with a carer support group. Contact the SANE Forums provide a safe, moderated online space where people affected by mental illness, as well as family and others carers, can share information and advice and provide mutual support.

The doctor and any other members of the treatment team should also be able to provide you with support and any relevant information. They sometimes need reminding about this responsibility,

For further information for families or carers of a person with Bipolar disorder, please see Families.

@greenpea, @Mazarita, @Margot

@Former-Memberand myself , we have husbands who have Bipolar2

Re: My BiPolar wife of 11 years is leaving me

Hi 

 

You bet the Bi Polar has influenced her decision to divorce.

 

My wife is Bi Polar and she divorced me but came back three later and wanted to desperate get married again and so we did..

 

Living with someone with Bipolar is hard. You are lucky that she can mask it, my wife cant and that is a problem.

 

I am quite surprised that she is also able to self medicate. What she does to mask it if you can let me know that might improve my situation.

 

It is very difficult for kids growing up in a family with a bi polar parent you got to keep and eye on both of them.

 

It is hard I know I have had 23 years of it!

 

Re: My BiPolar wife of 11 years is leaving me

hello @Zorro, @GoodDaddy, @MavisMae

checking in and seeing how you all are , love to hear from you soon xoxo

Re: My BiPolar wife of 11 years is leaving me

Sorry to here that you're going through that.

My wife walked out a month or go. Pretty sure it is as a result of a manic episode. It really hurts.

Hope it gets better for the both of us, eventually.

Re: My BiPolar wife of 11 years is leaving me

So sorry to hear this @GoodDaddy.
I unfortunately suffer from bipolar and I have tendencies to exacerbate the situation. I seem to convince myself that they’re much worse than what they are in reality and that my loved ones are better off without me. It sometimes takes for me to spend a few weeks or months away from someone to get myself on track to realise the severity of what I have done and to realise how much I love and care for that special person. Unfortunately sometimes it can be too late and my actions have taken a toll on the poor person to severely. It’s so hard sometimes, it feels like you don’t have a grip on reality and are a walking and talking time bomb. I have pushed away so many people without even realising.
I pray for you that she soon realises what she is doing and try’s to help herself and mend the marriage.
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