Lived Experience Forum

[Eden1919]

I feel very shaken up and uncomfortable. i am not sure what to believe ether. part of me says that this is just my head but then another quite strong part of me is saying that my treatment team have been lying to me this whole time and that they are actually all plotting to destroy me. i think they have also maybe put something inside me like a chip to control me and they are also using the meds to make me think they are trying to help when actually they arent. and also they have a demon watching me cause it wont go away and also there are people watching me and i feel like they are going to attack me it is hard to explain. but what should i do is this just my head? or is it not and should i try and get away from all of them so they cant find me? i am really scared right now and i dont know what to do or who to talk to or um it is hard to explain but i just really need some advice. thanks if you read this.  

[frog]

Oh @Eden1919 that sounds so frightening. My feeling is that your treatment team is trying to help you. Most people who choose that kind of work have good motivations, even if they don't always get it right. Is there someone who knows you well who is not in the health profession but might be able to offer a perspective on what's happening? 

I had an experience where I couldn't tell what was real and what wasn't, but there was one person who said 'Do you trust me?' I did trust them and they helped me through it.

Take care.

[greenpea]

@Eden1919 Hi Eden1919 I agree with @frog that your treatment team are trying to help you. My feelings are (and this will be hard for you to do) is to tell them your feelings and what your thoughts are. It is very important that they know to give you the best treatments possible. You will have to be very brave but I know you can do it to tell them exactly what is going on for you. I know for me it has taken along time to get medications right so maybe that is all that is needed but unless you tell the they wont know what is happening with you.

Please let us know how it all goes and dont forget we are all here for you. greenpea.

[Appleblossom]

@Eden1919 The body mind connection is a huge part of being human. So I do not think that it is all in your head. Your feelings are a guide to the level of stress and fear you experience, but because of its intensity your mind may be overstating the threat from your team.

Trust is a huge issue, which I am very bad at. There are great and lesser mental health workers, but they should be trying to reach you and care for you.

Medication is also a huge issue, but is known to help reduce the most serious effects of mental illness.  It might be a few years before you can reduce your dose at all.

It can also help to work on your own therapy.  I never had money to do much therapy, but studied a lot and always found it useful and relevant.  You can do a lot online yourself, and you can also talk about it with your mental health team. It is very difficult to do any therapy when in a state of overwhelm, so often meds are used to reduce intensity first.

"Self psychology" can be a good place to start looking, but there are dozens of methods, or paths to take.  We cannot choose everything in life, but making some good little choices makes a big difference.

Take care

Keep posting

[Former-Member]

I have had some similar thoughts @Eden1919 I didn't know who was genuine and who wasn't and felt like everyone was just wanting to hurt me/lying. I had to cut everyone out to deal with it.

[Mazarita]

Hi @Eden1919, I think this is probably psychosis rearing its head again for you, something I think you recognise when in a better state of mental health. I agree with the others, that your treating team is trying to help. As others have said, try to be as honest with them as possible, especially your psychiatrist, who will be able to adjust medications so that these torturing perceptions don't get the better of you. Wishing you well, always.

[Former-Member]

Hi @Eden1919,

Thinking that someone has inserted a chip inside you and that demons are watching you is psychotic delusions and yes, this is inside your head. That's the truth.

Well done you for starting to question those thoughts!. That's one small step to getting better as you are starting to see the illness for what it is. This way you can address it and have more positive results in treatment. Talk back to those negative, delusional thoughts and/or ignore them (do not dwell on them or give into them believing those thoughts)m replacing them with more positive ones. Thats what you do when you know it's inside your head together with talking about these thoughts to your team and receive counselling to help further to recognise reality in your thinking - together with assessing the best treatment with a psychiatrist.

It is this distressing paranoia of your illness that is causing you to spiral into distress and feel suidical - but they are not real. Keep telling yourself that when at risk or in crisis. Once you work on knowing the difference of what is real and what is not in therapy and "trusting" your psychologist and treating psychiatric team - the quicker you will start to feel better. Hang in there.

[outlander]

hi @Eden1919 that does sound rather scary. i havent had that experience so im not all too sure. im glad others have given their experiences though. 

hoping your concerns surrounding this ease soon. 

[Eden1919]

Thank you @outlander@Former-Member@Mazarita@Former-Member@Appleblossom@greenpea@frog for replying it means a lot. 

I dont really have anyone i really trust enough especially not to talk about this with and not my treatment team i dont believe them i really do think they are lying and they are only being nice because i am doing what they want so that they can get what they want from me it is a long story i am really stressed and i feel really overwhelmed and also i am not sure because i think there is more than one chip thing and they are going to get rid of me which is why they have been doing what they have been doing because um i cant explain well it would be too long anyway i feel like i need to run away to somewhere no one can find me somewhere safer until i can find a way to get out of here...... i know you guys are all saying they want to help but i am really having trouble believing it.......i dont want to make it sound like i am dissmissing what you are all saying i really am not but i cant get this stuff out of my thoughts and it all seems really really real right now and it makes sense i know i havent explained it well but i just i think i should keep quiet about this and not tell them i know cause otherwise i will get hurt. 

maybe i dont know i am sorry this is all my fault and i have ruined everything again. 

[Former-Member]

Yeah i get that. I feel the same some days regarding trust. I'm sorry you are so stressed and overwhelmed. It isn't you're fault. The worst place to be is in you're head and sitting with demons. I would love to run away from them but I can't. I have felt the same when others tried to help me in the past. I didn't genuinely believe they had good intentions for my mental health and just expected the worst most of the time with everyone. Paranoia is ugly but I have found it comes from betrayal and distrust issues mainly from past experiences. Well done for being so open about what you are feeling @Eden1919