Lived Experience Forum

[justjan95]

I've been with my partner for two years now. Not a long time I know, but for a while now I have been constantly questioning my feelings. This is not voluntary, the thoughts just popped into my head and then im constantly going around and around in my head fighting with these thoughs about how its never going to work and that theres things about both of us that are going to annoy one of us to the point where we can't handle each other anymore. This is not what I want to do. I want nothing more than this person, and even saying that my head starts to question it. Ive spent a lot of time trying to defuse these thoughts and sometimes it works and sometimes it doesnt. I dont understand it. I have this awesome person and I cant be happy with that. Im constantly trying to make it all better but the thoughts have been around for so long now that ive analysed everything so much and theres always negtive rebuttle in my head. Has anyone felit like this before? Im struggling with it because I really want this person in my life and cant bear the thought of not having him in my life. I dont know what to do anymore. 

[utopia]

@justjan95.
I think you need to sort out why you have these thoughts.
Is it part of your MI to over think or question everything?
Is it part of your personality to over think or question everything?
In the past have you overquestioned your relationships?
Are there personality traits in your partner that yiu really can't stand - as apposed to things that just irritate you?
Do yiu and your partner share the same moral values?
You might be able to come up with these answers by writing a few lists.
What are your core values - do they have the same values?
What can't you stand about yiur partner?
What do you absolutely adore about your partner?
What is it about you that you think your partner doesn't like?
Is it possible your mind is telling you that this is not the right person for you - on a subconscious level.
Finally - just because you love someone - does not mean you should be with them.
Do they treat you right. The way they speak toyou. The things they do for you.

[Lunar]

Hello @justjan95,

That sounds exhausting running over negative thoughts and doubting things in the relationship when in reality things are good and you really enjoy your time with your partner. Have you ever tried writing those thoughts and doubts down and then challenging them, such as:

Why do we fight?

- it's normal to fight

- we fight more we are tired

- it is usually because of a miscommunication

- usually things are good but we fight every couple of days

- on the good days things are amazing and fun

Challenging can help you to break this negative cycle of ruminating thoughts. It helps me especially if it's written, you can keep it somewhere to reflect on it when you are feeling this way.

Take care,

Lunar 🙂

[Fancy_Pants]

Hi @justjan95

These are some huge questions, this is a great place to speak about them and it is great that you are searching for other minds to help you think as we can all get caught in circular thinking (which is what I think you are describing?) but I am just wondering if it might be useful to also take them to a neutral party where you can explore all options and speak about your most (self defined "horrible") thoughts in a safe space ie a counsellor or psychologist - is that an option for you? alternativelty to do relationship counselling where you can speak about your experiences in the relationship / hopes / expectations / frustrations with a mediator?

[WTFIGO]

Hi,
I'm new here but I've just yesterday shared what's happening to me and I think what you're going through is exactly what my wife has been doing and as a result we separated 2 weeks ago, I'm interested in where you are at now? Have you made any headway or still struggling? She told me at the start she never expects anything to work out and I feel she is just self sabotaging due to low self worth. She is worth it as I'm sure you are. Hope you're ok

[Jayne34]

Hello,

I am going through the same thing.  It sucks.  I have been with my boyfriend for 6 years.  It has been the best 6 years of my life and I cant see myself with anyone else.  Everything was going fine.  But I lost my job, got screwed over for another job just as my unemployment ran out and I was having health issues.  One day out of the blue, it was like a switch went off.  I started questioning my relationship and thinking "its not fair to just keep him around just as a convenience so I dont die alone".  I have no idea where that was coming from!  I was scared about my health condition and was reading comments on Facebook about others in pain with the condition that I thought I had (Im better now!).  That is when it felt like the "switch" went off and all the awful feeling started flooding my mind.  I have been going through some major anxiety and depression recently which isnt helping the situation either.  I cried hard for a week or so.  Sometimes it made me feel betterm sometimes not.  I had no idea why! Up until that day, the relationship with my boyfriend and I was GREAT! I had no issues with us what so ever! I dealt with it for about a week or so and it ended up getting better.  Then we went to a good friend's wedding and it all came back.  We had talked about marriage a while ago, but not I dont want to.  I dont understand why.  The feelings come and go.  I hate feeling like this.  I am on depression medication, but I dont know how much it is helping.  But I totally get where you are coming from.  Let me know what happens with you.  Good Luck!