Lived Experience Forum

[kato]

Hurt, Lost, Broken

My life is in tatters, my dreams have crumbled around me

I had the life, i had it all

How did i fail

How did i fall

Cruising through life, using everything i could

To keep myself moving

To keep myself high

The ups are fantastic, the best place to be

Altho i could never see the disease

The illness taking over me

No treatment

No plan

No help

Just searching for the high that evaded me

Using this drug and that

To maintain that happy place

When in reality

I was just wasting space

Broken and tired

My life in ruins

How stupid of me to believe

That i was as fantastic as i could be

Tortured now, by the memories

The lows, so low some will never know

How quickly life changes

When everything crumbles and falls in a heap

Now i am lonely

Now i am unloved

Now i have no peace

No place

No love from the one i hurt so much

I still miss her dearly

And altho i know we will never be

I can always hope it untrue

A dream to awaken from

Faith only blames me

Treatment only dulls me

Pain is all i feel

Hate of myself is all i can think

Why did i not notice

How could i not see

Why did this happen

Unanswered questions just for me

The hardest part of it all

Is knowing i will never get to say goodbye

To those who were closest to me

All hope is lost

No freedom for me

Forever trapped in this hellhole

I hope not for an eternity

Thank you

Sorry i just needed to write

[CherryBomb]

Hi @kato,

I'm worried about you. It seems like you're in a pretty intensely dark place right now. When I hear things like, 'all hope is gone' and 'I will never get to say goodbye' I feel very concerned about your safety. Are you ok? Have you got support?

I understand that you've been in similar places to this, and you have pulled through. Can you recall what you did to get through it?

If things are overwhelming and you feel unsafe, please don't hesitate to call:

Lifeline: 13 11 14

Suicide call Back Service: 1300 659 467

Emergency Services: 000

CB

[kato]

hey cherrybomb,

Ummm out of context a little apologies

all hope is gone - regarding my relationship with my now ex wife

same with not being able to say goodbye... i have not and probably will not get the chance to say goodbye to her or her son, who for the last 12 years was raised like he was mine,

apologies for the confusion,

you are right in one sense, i am very low at the moment, but i am ok and safe.

perhaps i shouldn't try my hand at poetry sometimes.

[CherryBomb]

Hi @kato

Don't stop the poetry! It can be a great outlet for intense feelings.

I'm sorry for the misuderstanding.

Just know that I care and do worry about you. I'm sad to hear that you're in an intense place. Grief can be overwhelming. I remind myself that the pain of loss shows us that what we once had was very real and very special. It shows us that we do care, and that deep emotions for others can't be easily severed, but will take time to adjust. I can't take the pain away right, but what I can let you know is that it will pass.

Thanks for clarifying where you're at. I feel relieved knowing you're safe.

CB

P.S. I think your poem is beautiful.

[kristin]

Hey @kato 

I'm with CB. Keep writing, it is beautiful and very poignant.

I didn't know about your wife's son. I'm so sorry - that must make it all the more excruciating.

I hope the poetic download helped ease things for you a bit.

Take care.

I think I've caught some of @Rick 's bug: because I feel the need to say that when all seems lost, strangely & beautifully, hope endures. 

Kindest regards,

Kristin

[kato]

hey CB,

Thank you for your kindness, i know you and other forum members care.

The thing for me is knowing what i had and have lost was real and special, how could i have let it all happen.

The reason for the subject header/title A poem? maybe?

i had no idea what i was about to write, the strangest thing happens, i don't know if it happens to others, but i just started writing, i didn't write it as much as it wrote itself, when i had finished i had to read what i had written, as i had no idea what it entailed.

i don't think this pain will pass, not this particular pain but thank you, your words give me hope that it will possibly pass.

I am glad you liked my poem

[Alessandra1992]

@kato so sad to hear of your grief and yearning...wishing you virtual hugs..perhaps over time contact can be renewed..the lowest ebb is the turn of the tide..perhaps with your commitment to change, the tide is turning..
Seeings things as they really are really hurts at times..but be that hurt can sometimes bring growth and renewal.
Thank you for sharing, many of us will relate to the despair, the loss and the grief..

[Loopy]

kato, what can I say but "wow". deep and meaningful, says it all. Beautiful to say the least. But you are blaming yourself for something you have no power over. MI is all powerful. If you have a God talk to it. If you berlieve in something share your thoughts with it. If not you will shorely lose. kato, you have more than many others who care and are concerned, your fellow MIs on this forum. Maybe it is not the same, but define reality. To me it is where I am not where I want/ think I should be. Feel to power of the forum, it is all consuming.

loopy

[Loopy]

kato,

"

not a poem but I liked them.

loopy

[Loopy]

kato, I found this one about a young lady,

Among the cluttered archives of my pondering
Lie the memories of a girl who I used to be,
My eyes alight,
Radiant as the sun,
But my figure grows dim,
With every breath that's drawn.

The inquiring mind's question lie eternally quiet
My heart's inner strength quietly accrued,
The insistent cruelty claims my will as it's prize,
embedding it's hatred into my deepest confines,
Riddled with conflict, despair, and my recent host.

My identity peals
my former self is now like a ghost.
As I cling to the memories
of what once innocence I had
a searing pain streams through me
as I mourn.

This girl is pure as rain
It is now all gone
I resolved, self-assurance
Will, and life all won.

Won by a cruelty too often given on the timid
Teased and criticized, abused by critique
Judgment weighs on my slight frame
The weight of the world... I am to blame
She loves on in spite of her imminent demise
Rendered by those I loved so deeply.
With once my bright eyes

The eyes reflect on this tattered soul
The eyes that grow dim as she will never be whole
Damaged and beaten by life itself
The irony is uncanny
The toll it has taken is so real
This shell keeps going
A outsider she is now
The opposite of a corpse
She is now the living dead
Why her heart continues beating
or blood flows through her veins
Why she draws in breath
Or why she even has a name...
Is a questioning plea
for someone to reclaim.
The girl I used to be

Every day is war to me,
A struggle to obtain reality.
A shower, my make-up, putting on my shoes.
It's hard to see the point some days,
And no one has a clue.

I have been deemed so many things,
by those who wouldn't know.
High maintenance, a worrier,
A girl putting on a show.

I've been trained to feel unworthy,
Ugly and hard to love.
The pills, they make me tired,
but I get by just enough.

Sometimes I feel that I'm one mistake
from losing all I've suffered for.
While every day is a success,
I am tired of my war. 
Feel broken down, my body aches
My heart it bleeds from past mistakes
Can't stop the tears, they fall like rain
The words are spinning 'round my brain
So scared and feeling so alone
The coldness fills my every bone
No food, no sleep, can't think at all
Each way I turn, another wall
This darkness haunts my very soul
My world seems dead I've lost control
The only weapon is my pen
Depression has moved in again 

loopy