hi everyone and thank you for reading.
I am a member of another forum here as I suffer complex PtSD and ADhD with the complication of a Narcolepsy( a sleep disorder).
my home life is spiralling into chaos and It’s having a significant impact on my mental health and my husbands.
My daughter decided in 2020 that she was moving to the US to be with her partner that she met online. She had been living with me, and reliant on me for medical and financial support as she was is a member of the LGBTQIA+ community and prior to her transition and being accepted as het true gender, she developed a serious life threatening level of disordered eating.
as a Mum, It was very hard for me to accept that she was going to leave the supports she had here and visit someone she met on the internet , however it was during COVID and her medical team felt she was more at risk isolating and being apart from the person who she had subsequently married.
that was over three years ago.
she was supposed to return after four months because of the cost of her medication etc however she and her wife chose to stay. As she is an adult and I wanted to be a supporting parent encouraging her self reliance, I did my best to be supportive and also let her know that she could come home if she needed.
3and half years is a long time though especially as she clearly states she was never returning. She is the you youngest and all my children have their own lives (my hubby isn’t their dad) and myself and hubby have been slowly sorting out our home to sell to downsize , we got dogs to support my husbands mental health and he has had to leave work to look after me.
however The actual challenge has come from the actions of my daughter and her wife since they moved here in March. It has only been two months and although the shock at how my daughter was acting took some time for me to reorientate to “this is not acceptable” from “oh no what am I doing wrong”
it boils down to trauma , a topic which unfortunately I know a lot about. From the moment they interacted with my Hussband they started telling me how abusive he is and how I was too blind to know. I asked them if they could provide some examples, as I don’t want to be the parent that allows abuse because they are in denial.
however , they described scenarios such as “we don’t like your dogs and have to wait 5
minutes for someone to put them away so we
can leave.”
”your husband is abusive and you can’t see it so we don’t want to be around him and he keeps us locked like animals when he is in the kitchen”
I would like to put this in perspective, we are down sizing because we are blessed to live in a huge home. They firstly chose to live in the back area of the house, this has 2 double room a single room a living area, ensuite and bathroom. We organised a fridge, a kettle , a mircrowave and a stove top so they could have autonomy and feel empowered.all of which we discussed before she came home.
I understand that they have significant trauma and I get why they are behaving a certain way, but you know, I have PtSD and that doesn’t give me an excuse to let the less than pleasant side of me run loose.
i am grateful that my husband realises that he is never going to fix their issue with men, they need trained therapist and that the moment , ironically , their constant accusations of how we are abusing them; is destroying me. I can see that they do feel abused however I don’t have control over the examples they gave me, the power company had a 13 hour power outage and the some time as a water mains pipe bursting, so no water and power.
the internet provider upgraded the line so we had no internet , I had to drag them away from our bedroom door because they attach this all on my husband.
things came to a head when they overheard a heated discussion with myself and my husband and in their minds this was all they needed. They started saying that they could call the police and have him removed , and obviously this was upsetting for both myself and my husband. As they are angry we won’t “get rid of our dogs” and this is the reason they feel trapped, we offered them the entire living space upstairs, the area that I work from.
I could go on but needless to say while I was our buying them a bed and some furniture (and I am struggling financially), the girls (they are in their mid and late 20’) took it upon themselves to bring my stuff downstairs , even though I asked them not to because alot of it is for my part time job and delicate. I find myself with a room full of my items broken , my husband feeling he can’t walk around his own house and my daughter refusing to speak to me because I don’t align with her perspective of my husband.
it is easy for others to say “just kick them out” but I feel we all need more compassion .
I don’t need my daughter to feel pressured to be “grateful” for “all the things we gave her” I just want the hostility to stop.
i feel like I can only get health services involved if there js some sort of risk to life , so this is my Hail Mary pass in case someone has suggestions?
with gratitude
