This is my second post to those who read that one ty but i kind of get the hang of it now so im restarting... here we go the full spiel, the first bit will be background and the second will be what im currently struggling with if you wish to skip through 🙂
Basically, im 18 almost 19, live with my single dad, older sister and her bestfriend however my sisters moving out on friday, (lot of stress about stepping up to pay rent and help out as i only earn max $350 a week), i used to live with my mum from when i was born to about age 16, throughout most of that period of time i went through abuse (from my mum and bf (not my dad they split before i was born), it was never physical towards me however they would fight and scream alot, push each other, hit each other, cops were over every fortnite, for about 10 years, then my younger brother and sister were born, my mother deteriorated, stopped looking after her kids, dissappearing for days on end leaving us with no food, money, transport to school/work, and no love. Me and my older sister were screamed at constantly, blamed, called names, thrown out of the house, this was after my mum and her ex split so she was obviously dealing with her own issues and has since gotten alot better this is just recap and tbh ive never talked about this really. Anyways, we got kicked out our house, due to money issues as my mum wasnt working, she lost custody of the two younger kids about 3 years ago, were still working hard to get them back, almost there! Me and my older sister had moved in with my dad who lived an hour away by then and we were older so child services didnt really check in with us. Since then ive been working at a fast food restauraunt, got my lisence, a car, some qualifications and im finally in a stable relationship with a boy that i would do anything for but my mental health is worse than ever.
Currently, i am under an insane amount of stress, i have to supervise my mum with her younger kids every weekend, meaning i have less time to work/for myself, my car is currently on its last legs and i dont earn enough to get it fixed asap, my sisters moving out and im worried about being able to pay rent, help out with food, bills etc. and recently ive been dealing with a medical issue which has stopped me from working and made my mental health rapidly decline the last two weeks, i also live 3 hours away from my boyfriend so i see him whenever i can which is not that often. Everyday i wake up and just feel this immense heavy feeling, my brain will list all of the things i have to do and organise but i will just sit there crying because its so much 'you have to do this, have you done that, just get up and do it, why are you just sitting there?" and then sometimes when i cry i dont even know why im crying. Something ive never bee able to fully explain to people is how strongly i feel certain emotions like sadness, anger or love, i feel them so intensely that like it hurts, when im angry i need to physically hit things or harm myself to stop the emotional pain because its that bad, i feel sadness so hard that it feels my insides are being ripped apart, and when i feel like this everyone around me becomes someone who doesnt care, in my brain anyway, 'no one cares, im alone, why does no one see i need help' etc. the other thing i really wanted to talk about was my self awareness, i know that ill be fine in 5 minutes so i dont ask for help, i know that people love me and care but i still feel alone, its so confusing and frustrating, when people say something a certain way, i know they dont mean it like that but i still suddenlly feel like they hate me or dont love me anymore you know?
As I said, i was diagnosed in hospital. If you are looking for a diagnosis, you’ll need to see a psychologist or psychiatrist. Would you consider that?
That makes it tough. At the same time, it's important to be assessed to ensure you do not have conditions that may present similar to BPD. A common one is bipolar.
Another option is to find a GP that has awareness of BPD. Whilst they may not be able to give you a formal diagnosis, they can perhaps point you in the right direction?
