Lived Experience Forum

[Razzle]

@Former-Member  So sorry to hear your husband is sick, and what’s the deal with our friends?  Why is it, when you need support the most the people you should be able to count on are leaving a dust trail?  

I haven’t decided what to buy the wishing tree yet.  Buying Xmas presents is a painful experience, even now, so my shopping is usually left for the last couple of days.  I always buy something I think my son would have liked.  For a woman my age I buy something I’d love.

I’m glad you enjoyed your pamper package.  I’m a little envious and freaked out at the same time.  This is something I have spoken to my councillor about, I can’t stand anyone touching me.  A massage voucher would be my worst nightmare.  It takes me weeks to psyche myself up to even have a medical exam, even a physio appointment if I know I’m going to be touched.  I’m not even sure what I’d buy myself?  It’s not actually the gift, it’s the feeling I’d get, to know that the people I care about actually cared enough to want to buy a gift for me.

Meeting up for Xmas would probably be impossible seeings we are all annonamous, but your welcome to crack a bottle of bubbly and we could toast each other and know there are people out there that feel the same way as us, our own private little “forum party” 😀😀

I hope your husband enjoys many more Xmas’s to come, and I do hope you can find the joy of the silly season again one day.

If you feel the need to chat during the silly season, I’m always here ❤️❤️

[Zenbamboo]

Firstly, I am so terribly sorry to hear about your son. What a lovely gesture for the kmart tree.

I can certainly relate to the xmas part for different yet similar reasons.

I used to LOVE xmas! The excitement, the gift buying and the lead up.

Going back quiet a few years now, my relationship although still current had been on and off and terrible for a long time, yet I stay. My mum is quiet unwell and a visit to Pysch tore our entire family apart. My mum has no insight at all into her illness. To top that off, I hagr dealt with Persistent ongoing health issues and therefore have found my self in and out of work. 

So before I put you to sleep with my rambling, this has lead me.to.act like I hate Xmas! When in reality, all I crave so badly is a loving family, partner and a group of close friends to share the holiday period with. 

It has now escalated from.xmas to easter, weddings, engagements and pretty much anything you can think of that should be happy and joyful! What a damn bundle of laughs I am.hey!! 😁😁

As much as I joked here, it is so true. For me, your post really made me feel like someone else gets it! 

You know those stereo typical American movies with the big house and beautiful decorations with the family sitting around laughing eating xmas dinner? I kinda feel like this little kid looking in but never quiet being able to experience it. 

Part of my family is quiet well off financially and they have lost touch with reality. If I am not working, I am lazy. If I am going through really significant mental health issues "just need some drugs!" so come xmas time, I struggle so hard to not be depressed. My beautiful nieces and nephews have now also lost touch with how the real world works. I worked so hard a few xmas times ago to pay for gifts that were not up to standard. What did I get? Nothing!

It was not about the gift, just the the thought and love, time, you know.

It sucks and I feel like I could never tell anyone as they just wouldn't get it. I have one genuine friend and I have already leant on her for support way to much this year. Good old xmas hey! 

So now for quiet sometime I just dont really celerbrate. This year, I promised my self.I would.sort out my life with what is in my.control and.actually.enjoy xmas and even put up a.tree! 

I have just stopped crying about how shit my life feels right now, so well.on track for a happy.xmas haha!!! 

Sorry to hear that you feel crap about as well. Just losing your son would be enough to make anyone feel that way. You are stronger than you know, just by reaching out. 

I hardly post but I hope sharing my miserablrle xmas.spirit has made you feel a little less alone in those feelings.

Look after your self 🌷🌷

[Zenbamboo]

@Razzle@Firstly, I am so terribly sorry to hear about your son. What a lovely gesture for the kmart tree

I can certainly relate to the xmas part for different yet similar reasons.

I used to LOVE xmas! The excitement, the gift buying and the lead up.

Going back quiet a few years now, my relationship although still current had been on and off and terrible for a long time, yet I stay. My mum is quiet unwell and a visit to Pysch tore our entire family apart. My mum has no insight at all into her illness. To top that off, I hagr dealt with Persistent ongoing health issues and therefore have found my self in and out of work. 

So before I put you to sleep with my rambling, this has lead me.to.act like I hate Xmas! When in reality, all I crave so badly is a loving family, partner and a group of close friends to share the holiday period with. 

It has now escalated from.xmas to easter, weddings, engagements and pretty much anything you can think of that should be happy and joyful! What a damn bundle of laughs I am.hey!! 😁😁

As much as I joked here, it is so true. For me, your post really made me feel like someone else gets it! 

You know those stereo typical American movies with the big house and beautiful decorations with the family sitting around laughing eating xmas dinner? I kinda feel like this little kid looking in but never quiet being able to experience it.

So now for quiet sometime I just dont really celerbrate. This year, I promised my self.I would.sort out my life with what is in my.control and.actually.enjoy xmas and even put up a.tree! 

I have just stopped crying about how shit my life feels right now, so well.on track for a happy.xmas haha!!! 

Sorry to hear that you feel crap about as well. Just losing your son would be enough to make anyone feel that way. You are stronger than you know, just by reaching out. 

I hardly post but I hope sharing my miserablrle xmas.spirit has made you feel a little less alone in those feelings.

Look after your self 🌷🌷

[Razzle]

@Zenbamboo  We are so similar on this topic.  I’m like you, it’s not just Xmas, I dread Easter, birthdays, anniversaries - in fact we had our 25th wedding anniversary about 3 weeks ago and it was barely acknowledged 

The last couple of years at different weddings I’ve sat in the aisle silently hoping the brides a no show,   My marriage has been on such shaky ground for a few years now (I’m the same, I haven’t left yet, not sure why) and I’d prefer these young brides/grooms to save themselves the heart ache.

in marriage counselling with my husband and when we’ve talked on our own I have used the exact same words as you - I’m on the outside looking in.

I used to decorate all inside the house, now I have two huge tubs in the garden shed that go untouched every year, I don’t put up any decorations at all - except the kids and hubbys stockings the night before, I haven’t put my stokingnout for several years, it was just embarrassing to get up on the morning and see it empty.

The only present I get is from my extended families Secret Kris Kringle, and for a few years running I’d get a card with a Kmart voucher in it - plenty of thought there (sarcasm).  This year my husband asked the family at the name draw that we make it more fun and make it a gag gift - fantastic, now I’ll get a bag of crap.

I feel like my life is shit too, and seeing everyone so happy and excited in the lead up just makes me feel even more shit.

im sorry you feel the same but by sharing your story I know I’m not alone here.  Feel free to join me and @Former-Member in my private “forum party” 🍾🍾.   I’m going to say at 1pm Xmas day we crack a bottle of bubbly (or choice of drink if you don’t drink alchohol) and we toast each other and know there are others that are doing it just as hard as ourselves.

Thanks for reaching out, take care ❤️❤️

[Scarecrowe]

I can assure you, you are not the only one who hates Christmas.  I am dreading the day myself.  My mother and sister hardly bother seeing me during the year (including my own birthday) but if I don't turn up on Christmas day I am the worst person in the world.  I am thinking of being 'sick' on Christmas day.  Sitting there putting on a smile and pretending I am enjoying myself whilst my family constantly put me down. I am the black sheep of the family and a constant reminder of how much of a disappointment I am.   And I also have to put up with my mother's boyfriend who really pushes my buttons.   The only saving grace is spending time with my sisters children, who love me no matter what my family think of me.

And to make matters worse I work in retail, where I am constantly reminded of the day.  Last week I had a customer who had a go at me because we did not have our Christmas stock out yet.  I explained to her that our stock does not come in until the beginning of November and she said well everyone else has their stock out now, why don't you??

Customers are so crabby during December.  Complaining because we have sold out of things, crabby because it is busy and they have to wait in line to be served.  I feel like screaming at them, guess what....Christmas day is the same date every year.  If you want to avoid the crowds and not miss out on things, shop during the year, not just in December.

Sales assistants get treated like second class citizens during December and I can assure you it does not help my mood about the day at all.  And by the time the day does arrive I am too tired to enjoy it (if I could) anyway.  

To me the day is December 25th not Christmas day, and if I could spend the day as just another day I would.

When I was a kid my mother worked every Christmas day and my father, sister and myself went to a friends of my father's for the day.  My younger sister would play with the young kids but there were no kids my age so I would sit and read one or two books the whole day.  Such an exciting way to spend Christmas when you are a kid.  I dreaded the day even back then.  Can't wait for the day to be over.  So you are not alone. xxx

[Razzle]

@Scarecrowe  I’m sorry you have such a bad run at Christmas too.  We dislike Christmas for very different reasons, but I’m with you, it’s just another day for me.

I hate the build up, but I especially hate the actual day where I have to plaster on the fake smile, it just gets depressing and exhausting.

I don’t envy you in retail, that would really do my head in. 

As I’ve mentioned previously in this thread, you’re welcome to join in with my private forum party and make a toast to all of us that know it’s just a bull shit day and that we’re not alone in the way we all think of the day.

[Scarecrowe]

@Razzle  Yes agreed, we all hate Christmas for completely different reasons.  But all these different reasons brings us together in our feelings.  

If I can get away with not spending Christmas with my family and being home alone I will be there in your private forum and have a beer with you all, but sadly I reckon I will be at Mum's house wearing my fake smile wishing I was somewhere else.  

If I can not make it please have a drink of bubbly for me..... thanks for the invite 🙂

[Jumpingcactus]

@Razzle Yep I hear you loud and clear my friend. This year will change for me, kids are little bit older and son found out about Santa last year, he’s 10 so I had a good run. He dosnt ask for much so gift buying becomes a stress. I use to love buying gifts for people, but now I find it a chore, like worse than grocery shopping which I loath. I had a falling out with my husbands family about 5 years ago. (Contributing to my depression and anxiety til this day) so Xmas makes it awkward to try and avoid them at all costs. An emotional trauma usually does that. If you were close by, I reckon the two of us would have a cracker of a Xmas together lol. 😜

[Razzle]

@Scarecrowe  I’ll definitely have a bubbly for you !!  I’m usually the only drinker at my in laws,  so I have an entire  whole bottle to get through - not really a tough ask 😄.  I’m usually 3 sheets to the wind by 2/3rds the way through and it’ll only be 1.30pm.  That’s the way my Xmas usually rolls, I won’t feel so bad if I know I’m having a drink for someone else 😉😉

@Jumpingcactus. I hate shopping of any kind, but presents especially.  It’s hard to get motivated to buy for others when I know I’m getting nothing in return.  Besides, I can’t help but feel ripped off when I can’t buy for my son.  I feel ok buying something for the Kmart Xmas Tree appeal I’m memory of my son, but I desperately wish I was buying for him.

I think we’d have an excellent day if we could get together 😃😃.  We’ll have to keep in touch on the day and share a few private jokes, whatever it takes to get us through 👍👍

[Jumpingcactus]

@Razzle Lol, it’s a sane forum date for Xmas! Yay! 😀👍🤪