Lived Experience Forum

[Former-Member]

Dear All

I have a long to do list today, and catching up from the other days, but I want to pause this morning to remember. 25 years ago civil war entered my little world. While I was living in a safe little country, my family was dragged into a messy civil war (aren't they all) and 25 years ago, the reality finally hit me. I was a teenager, I thought we were bullet proof, literally. My uncle got killed in combat. The war had been raging in the region where my family lived for about 3 months by then and we had multiple deaths of relatives before that, but it took my uncle's death for me to finally understand that my ignorance to protect my little internal world , did not mean we were bullet proof. For me it was the beginning of a very long episode in my life where I was constantly worried about my family, where I never had time to grieve, where my perspective of life shifted forever. 

I have deep wounds from those years and the fear continues. It is not like a car crash, that has a beginning and an end. My family lost many family members and also their homes and they have been relocated temporarily or permanently all over the world. Many have returned home after peace treaties and de-mining operations were completed. Peace keeping troups were there for many years. Yet even 25 years later, you can see the scars in the landscape and the scars in the people will never fade. 

What I have learnt from this experience is that we do not choose where we are born. We live in a peaceful country, and they aren't many countries like the one we live in. Although I have times when I am extremly confused in my head, I have learnt to be grateful for what I have. 

[Former-Member]

Thank you for putting life back into perspective for me

[Former-Member]

Dear @Former-Member

I didn't want to come over as rough. Everyone's problems are real and important. 

The post is meant as a reminder for myself. Instead of pushing away the feelings, today I try to give myself space to remember. 

[Former-Member]

Hello @Former-Member

You didn't come across as rough. Thank you for realizing everyone's problems are important.

I like and need to have my problems put into perspective sometimes, so I can remember how good I've got it.

We've got it good Flower 🙂

[-Rayne-]

@Former-Member not rough at all. this perspective is one of the many gifts my refugee friends give me. Good on you for honouring it 

[Former-Member]

@Former-Member and @-Rayne-

Thank you for your messages.

I think one of the hardest things is for me to accept that I am allowed to have my own life without being guilty - my surviving uncle said to me "you don't chose where you are born" and to accept that I have a mental illness and I am seeking treatment. I frequently have outbursts about I should not feel this way, I have such a good life... and I feel ashamed of being who I am. I feel guilty that I, in my eyes, do not make the most of this life that I have and treasure and enjoy every moment. I feel like I am failing my family. 

[Former-Member]

Morning @Former-Member,

I think many of us feel that we are failing our family. I certainly do. I also experience that sense of shame frequently that I am not making the most out of life and that I am stuck in the same cycles. It becomes overwhelming at times and at other times seems ok and manageable.

on the topic of civil war I can't imagine the sense of all encompassing loss you must have felt and still feel. Go gently @Former-Member, you deserve some peace. Wishing you all the best. 💜🤗💐

[Former-Member]

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@Flower wrote:

@Former-Member and @-Rayne-

Thank you for your messages.

I think one of the hardest things is for me to accept that I am allowed to have my own life without being guilty - my surviving uncle said to me "you don't chose where you are born" and to accept that I have a mental illness and I am seeking treatment. I frequently have outbursts about I should not feel this way, I have such a good life... and I feel ashamed of being who I am. I feel guilty that I, in my eyes, do not make the most of this life that I have and treasure and enjoy every moment. I feel like I am failing my family. 

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Thank you for your posting and I respect your feelings.

 You are very hard on yourself. This I can recognise as I am extremely hard on myself ,have been for as long as I remember.

I believe the self criticism goes hand in hand with mental illness.

Most of us have been judged by others for being different.we are able to tell others not to yet are still hard on ourselves.

We have internal wars.

You have experienced both.

I too have a very good life even though adding to my own illness is the knowledge that my son too has serious mental illness which he does not believe.

Please do not feel ashamed though. Be proud of your heritage, your uncle clearly honoured you. I too used to feel that I was failing the family and now realise they all have their own shortcomings. No one better than another. Each his or her own person with or without mental illness.

mental illness is the pits. I am sick of thinking about it actually. 

So no you are not failing your family. Perhaps the only person we fail is ourselves when we allow those negative thoughts to take hold.

You have honoured all of your family in writing your words. They woul be proud in their own individual ways.

I hope that you find some peace in your thoughts.

please keep on writing.