Lived Experience Forum

[redheaded]

Trigger warning. <br><br>I wish I had a normal family that loved me. <br><br>My mum hit me. <br>My dad neglected me. <br>My brother sexually abused me. <br>How do I ever get over it. <br><br>Everyone asked me why I left home and chose to be homeless when I did. I had no choice. People ask why I don't talk to my mum, apart from the abuse she's disowned me for being trans. People ask about dad, what am I meant to say, it's not his fault coz he's sick. And everyone asks if I have siblings, am I meant to tell them how much I hate him for what he did. And my step family, living on the other side of world not acknowledging their crazy relative. It hurts. Families are meant to love you not be the reason you've spent most of you adult life in hospital and the reason you want to die. My mother drove me to start to develop an ED at 5, I stopped talking at 9 when my brother did what he did, by 14 I was self harming, 17 first suicide attempt, 19 homeless and alone, now I'm 24 and today marks 5 years since my first admission, and I'm currently stuck in hospital on an order. <br>I hate my life. I hate my family. <br>How do I forgive when they're the reason I'm here.

[Former-Member]

just wanted to say im hearing you @redheaded - i have a kind of similar situation with my family. and now have no family similarly. have and do face the same questions and it is really hard! i dont have any answers, just wanted to let you know that you're not alone, that i hear you and can relate. also sending hugs if you want any 🙂

[Queenie]

@redheaded I also hear you and have a similar situation. My mother lived with largely uncontrolled anger and as much as I miss, used to hit me as a small child. My Dad got remarried to her sister (my aunt) and from them both I have endured nothing but emotional abuse. At 16 and a half I left the family home for good and tried to make my own way in the world. My family do not have contact with me because they believe mental illness causes violence and are also ashamed of me coming out as being a lesbian. I recently told my Dad about my commitment ceremony and he was stunned. I didn't invite him because I didn't want to open up to more hurt.

I haven't been sexually abused by family, but I guess you could say I was abused physically by my mother and mentally by my father and stepmother/aunt. 

I think back to my last hospital admission and know that now, my family was the catalyst for triggering my breakdown into psychosis.

Take care @redheaded. Walking beside you.

[utopia]

Hearing your pain @redheaded. I'm sorry that you didn't get the safe childhood you deserved.

[Former-Member]

Hi @redheaded

I also suffered childhood abuse and at 24 suffered similarly to you. Plus the fact I was then an alcoholic which just made matters worse to put simply. It's a rough start in life when those who should of been there to love and protect failed us. And the mental scars inflicted can cause what seems like endless grief and we lose direction and purpose. And feel as if we have little to no value and worth. Self belief and personal identity either stumped or annihilated. There is the problem at hand presently that we need to work on. Even though not of our own doing - it's up to us, through sheer determination, to not let abuse defeat us and takes baby steps forward by letting go and working on ourselves as individuals "separate from our roots".

I can't promise you life will turn out to be a bed of roses. But what I can say is that life can get and does get better in periods if we don't give up. It's a roller coaster ride and to move forward we need to let go of the past and not look back. That doesn't mean the hurt and scars magically disappear - it means putting the focus on letting go of the negative and "finding ourselves" and what matters to us in life. Finding meaning through healing. And then go for it. Letting no one stop us - and "not allowing negative persons in our lives again that will further harm us."  Just those who we can trust whom have our welfare in mind - not from what they can get from us.

If you don't have that vision now - start working on it best you can with creating positive goals no matter how small in the present and what you have to work with now. Look for the good in each day no matter how small or against the odds. And build on it and yourself gradually within your own personal limitations. All is required is "to do your best". But no less for success.

One day at a time, step by step. Let yourself grieve as much as you need to now and express it. Don't hold it in. Then let all the pain and negativity flow from you. The past is gone and the future is yet to be written - it's what we do now to heal ourselves in the present that matters. You matter, the you inside regardless of the outer appearance, and what "you do" from here on "matters" - knowing that is the first step to healing. Wishing you a full recovery in hospital.

[redheaded]

@Former-Member @Queenie @utopia @Former-Member
Thanks so much guys. I just needed to vent that last night.
I'm sorry you can relate to this.
I'm trying to move on with my life but sometimes things just get brought up and I get stuck back in the past. I feel like I don't have a future anymore because I'm too broken, I don't know what's going to happen once I go home from hospital. I have to make lots of changes that I don't even know where to start.

[Former-Member]

Your welcome @redheaded. It's great to vent

Just concentrating on those small changes "today" is enough - deal with any changes that must be done tomorrow for tomorrow. Don't think or deal with it until then. Otherwise you will become overwhelmed and feel inept to deal,with today. Moment by moment - today is enough and you made it 😊

[utopia]

@redheaded. I'm glad you can post yout thoughts and feelings here. I kept a thread while in hospital earlier this year - it's called My Hospital Stay. And there are lots of ups and downs and a total mix of ramblings and confusion.
I've been home from hospital for 14 days. Some moments are still hard, others are okay. Listen to your treating team. Have support in place for when you get home. There is definitely life after hospital.

[Shaz51]

It's great to vent, you can vent anytime my friend @redheaded, we are here for you