Lived Experience Forum

[Former-Member]

Good morning everyone and to my dear friends,

@Former-Member@Appleblossom @Kurra @BlueBay @Determined  @utopia  @Zoe7 @Queenie @Sahara  @Shaz51  @Former-Member  

I hope you are okay.

EVERY DAY IS A NEW BEGINNING, TAKE A DEEP BREATH, SMILE, AND START AGAIN.

The past 12 month have definitely been a game changer for me. Although it's been over two years of starting to discover - step by step - my mental health issues and coming to terms with the effect my childhood and other trauma had on my mental health, the past 12 months changed my life. I was in hospital three times, learnt more than I ever thought I would (want to) learn about mental health and strategies, adjusted my life and in the end finished the career I have always worked for so hard and wanted more than anything else in my life. I've ended relationships and created boundaries. I've started slowly to accept my inner child and that I actually have mental health issues.

And now I start with a clean canvas. A canvas that I will paint on and over for the rest of my life. Layers and layers of acrylic colours. Space for mindmaps to figure out what's really important for me, space for happy memories and for sad ones, but mainly space for the here and now.

I know my post sounds encouraging and hopeful. I am hopeful that my current deep depression will lift and that I will find enthusiasm to start work on that canvas. At the moment I allow myself to rest. Rest from the struggles of the past 12 months. And at times when the fog lifts, I am encouraged to look at the world with different eyes and explore different opportunities.

You have all made a positive impact on my journey and I am sure there are new friends to be made, so I am back and hoepfully this time, here to stay.

Have a great day everyone x

[BlueBay]

Hi @Former-Member

So nice to see you back on here and to hear how you are going.

I have missed chatting with you.  Sounds like you have had a hard time going through challenging times.

I so hope your dark depression lifts for you and you can see the bright lights ahead.

Sending you lots of love, hugs 

BlueBay xxoo

[outlander]

Glad your back @Former-Member
I hope you stay this time too ⚘❣
I hope things improve for you too

[Zoe7]

@Former-Member 

[Sahara]

Hi @Former-Member,

I would love to hear more about the journey you have been through. It's great to see you back.

Rest is so important, especially after the upheaval you have expereinced. Am I right in saying you have left your former career for good? That is a huge decision. And you have also ended some relationships? Wow, @Former-Member, it really is a time for new beginnings for you!

Take your time. There is no hurry to rush into new things. 

If there is anything you would like to tell us about in detail, then please do. This could be an open journal of new beginnings for you. 

[Former-Member]

Hello @BlueBay @outlander @Zoe7 @Sahara

How are you doing? I will have to take some time to catch up on your threats on the forum, so how have you been?

My friend dragged me out yesterday to help another friend and it was great to get out. I haven't been able to get into a routine since I stopped work nearly 3 months ago.

I've been trying to think of some kind of volunteering, but anything that interested me, just gave me the creeps. I don't want to do any volunteer work that may trigger me and put me back, like RFS, SES, even wildlife rescue, I wouldn't be able to cope. I just don't know.

I'm also researching study options and might do a course to change career. Or I go and stack shelves for a while, but I'm not sure if that will pay my bills, perhaps I should have a look at that... I would really like to change the industry I used to work in.

I haven't been doing any creative work, but I think I am actually not doing too bad with fun and achievement activities, just that I don't plan them and I mainly get prompted to do them. I think that's good enough for now.

My friend told me the other day that it is a sign of strength to admit myself to hospital if I need it again, but I don't want to go to hospital. I think as long as I can keep safe, I need to be home, to try and work out what I want to do with my life. I have a supportive husband and son, a great friend and professional support.

@SaharaYes, I have ended my career and I broke ties with my family apart from my mum. I don't know if this will be a constant state, or if once I am healed I will let people back in, or be forced back into my career, because stacking shelves doesn't pay the bills. I love having the stability and support in my relationship, because I think that is so important, but also so rare. My husband has never seen this side of me, because I never let it shine through. As a person I feel extremely vulnerable now, because I have opened up. Because I have admitted that I am sometimes scared like a little child and I've admitted that I sometimes just don't want to live anymore.

When I ended my career, I wrote a page of "My achievements and why I would find work again". I'm looking at that right now, as it is on the wall, and I cannot identify with it anymore. Not that it's untrue what is on that page, but I don't think I want to work in that context anymore. It is a very confusing time.

I'm tired now after writing this. I am tired a lot when I think of my past and future. It just seems to suck all the energy out of me.

[Sahara]

@Former-Member,

I think you should explore all options regarding work. I have been in the same position as you.

I left a very stressful, professional job after doing that work for 25 years. My former profession was in high demand and jobs were pretty easy to get. But I always disliked it... in fact, I believe I only ever entered that profession because my parents wanted me to. 

I was happy to leave that job and I don't regret it. 

However, it is hard to find consistent work. I do a lot of casual stuff... odd jobs, nothing important. We are lucky now that our house is paid off and we don't need much money to live on. 

You might like to begin studying part-time and work a few odd jobs for a while... no real commitment. Can you down-size or radically cut spending? If you can, you might be able to get by stacking shelves. It is not a bad life-style, if you don't mind giving up other things.... like eating out and going on holidays. Or even buying new clothes. 

As for your family members.... maybe just send them a card for their birthdays in the mail? That way you get to keep up a bit of contact, without the stress. If you do decide to pick up contact later on, it will soften them up, to receive something like that in the mail.... they will be more open to meeting you in the future. 

Or you might decide you are better off without them. 

[Former-Member]

@Sahara

Thank you so much for sharing your own experience. I am really glad to know that other people have made "radical" decisions to change their lives and are now happier than before. I am looking at all sorts of options and I am trying to find a job where I may contribute more to society than in the corporate environment I was "stuck in". We still have a (for me) substantial mortgage and I would prefer to stay in the area where we are now, which is our home and where I feel safe. But we are willing to make cuts in other expenses.

I am in split minds whether to keep some kind of contact to my family. There will never be resolution and I have moved to the other side of the world, so it is easy to stay out of touch. I think sometimes it is better to let the past go and interest from "the other side" has been limited, so it can just twindle out to nothing.

This is what I have on my wall since leaving hospital last year:

[Former-Member]

Hello @BlueBay @outlander @Zoe7 @Sahara and all

How is your long weekend? I hope all have you have found some peace and the chance to have a break, just a little break at least, from ....

I have once again attempted to plan my week ahead so I can see that I am accomplishing things - whether or not I will have the energy to do so, remains to be seen. I slept most of the afternoon. My psych always says I shouldn't nap, but I can easily sleep all night & am exhausted during the day and need a sleep.

I will do some yoga now. I've been wanting to do that for 6 weeks, so I make it NOW!

Have a lovely evening x

[Former-Member]

Hi @Former-Member

I feel stressed when people quarrel on this website. It's my little safe haven. Just thought I let you know how I feel.