Lived Experience Forum

[Joccie]

I get to see my almost 12yr old daughter on Monday, just a few days before her birthday. She has not wanted to spend time at the home we have shared because of the violence on the street we have lived. She gets to live on a farm, with a horse and deer and sheep and Peace.

But for the first time in almost 18mths she is going to be spending some time with me.

I am so happy and so terrified. I haven't been with her for so long, only spent short time with her twice in the past 18 months. Before that, there was mostly shared cared or every other week end.

I am so anxious to make our time together as normal as I can. But I am so nervous!

I have  complex PTSD and my daughter doesn't live with me because of my hospitaliztions and I have had no family to support me.

The only good thing about this is that the people that are bringing my daughter up, love her and she loves them. It is a postive thing, even though I am envious of it.

I guess I am asking, if I could have good thoughts and support from the wonderfully supportive people from this site?

I am so afraid. Any good thoughts would be so appreciated.

And I'm cooking a cake 🙂

J

[Scout]

Whoa @Joccie you are baking a cake? Yummm…oh my stomach is rumbling now!

 This sounds like a really happy moment for you, you must be so looking forward to havingher stay with you for a little longer than normal. But being nervous is so normal after all this time. You sound like you’ve done so much work on yourself  over the past couple of years to now get to this moment.

Self-doubt is a tricky thing to overcome, but I hope you can find some space to feel some compassion for yourself after what sounds like a pretty tough couple of years

 I guess you can keep yourself grounded in the knowledge that you’ve come so far, and although she doesn’t live with you full time she has good people around her who also know you are good too.
I can see now you have another thread and are chatting to some people there, I hope that they’re also keeping you company while you manage your nerves! Best of luck, I hope that you can keep us updated ?

Thanks!
Scout

[utopia]

@Joccie. Definitely sending positive thoughts your way.
As hard as it is, try not to focus on any negative thoughts that come your way. Instead focus on the positives.
You are baking a cake. I'm sure your daughter will love it.
She is being looked after by people who love her. She gets to see you - in time for her birthday. Which I'm sure she will love.
I'm sure the day will be beautiful for you both.

[girl99]

@Joccie
sending you lots of positive thoughts. I have a child who is all grown up now and it is such hard work raising them. I always felt I never raised my child right or I wasn't a good enough mother. Please don't think you are the only one who struggles. Your daughter is probably a bit nervous too as she hasn't seen you in a while. You are, and always will be, her birth mother, so just be accepting of that and try to do the best you can. Just try to relax and make the time you spend together as nice as possible. I get bad anxiety, so sometimes I make a list of things to be prepared about, or questions that might get asked, so I don't get as nervous. Could you make a list of things to talk about or prepare yourself as much as you can? I can't remember what 12 year old girls talk about (I know they can be moody and hormonal!), but maybe what music she likes or movies she might have seen? The cake sounds beautiful and I hope you both have a great time! Please let us know how it all goes. Thinking of you

[utopia]

@Joccie. About a week before I went into hospital - I told my 14 year old son - to get out of the house and I sent him to my mums. Then I had 3 admissions in 2 months.
I've been home for 8 days now and it doesn't look like my son is coming home anytime soon. I've appologised. Explained how sick I was. But he isn't speaking to me. I go over and visit him at my mums but he doesn't talk. It breaks my heart. And all I want to do is reach out for my normal self medication - alcohol - & numb my pain and my feelings.
Although our situations have differences - I hear you & I feel for you and your pain.
We love our children. We are great mums. But sometimes we simply can't cope doing it all on our own.