Lived Experience Forum

[outlander]

So i was a carer for my nan for about 2 yrs maybe more and we were really close ans when i began caring for her became closer who passed away last year.
I wasnt really able to grieve at the time as i was tyring to hold my pop whom im now a carer for my mum together and making sure everyone needs were met.
But now its really hitting me.hard. and im having so many regrets about what i should have done what i should have said what i should have changed. I feel selfish alot of the time because every now and then i would go out with a friend and i really regret it now.

My nan had many illnesses including cancer so i went to all of her appointments and made sure she was ok.

It hurts me everyday. I miss her so much.
I get alot of flash back esp of the year before her death  like Christmas and birthdays easter and all the rest of the occasions.
She was in a wheelchair and home oxygen 24/7 as she had bad lungs from copd.
So it did make it hard for her to go out when she was getting worse

I get flashbacks of the night i stayed at their house and i heard my pop completley break down and found my nan slumped in the wheelchair in the bathroom as thats how she got around
She was so weak and couldnt even hold herself up so i had to while calling am ambulance calling my who was 10 min drive away and help pop keep it together. It hurts me every single day.

she was in the ICU for 3 days mabye more maybe less- its abit blurred because i was there every single minute i could be there

I also have the last memory of my nan in the hospital ad as i was leaving she gave me a little smile and a wave and off we went. that memeory haunts me bacuse it was like she knew she wasnt going to be here much longer. i could see pain written all over her face and that broke my heart. i remeber laying awake that night waiting for that phone call but preying it wasnt going to happen. but 2am that morning the dreaded phone call came and i was completely numb. i couldnt move, feel , speak hear anything. nothing

i know i should be remeber the happy memories but even tose make me cry. its been jsut on two years last month since she hasnt been here. this year is the first year without her being here to celebrate things like easter, birthdays, mothers day xmas and all the celebrations inbetween.

even as im writnig this im all choked up and can hardly breathe and i dont know how to  make it better

[Lunar]

Hello @outlander

I am so sorry you nan passed away, it sounds like you did a wonderful job caring for her when you could and she was quite unwell so there was only so much that everyone could do to help her. It is lovely you were able to spend those times with her in her final days, she would have really appreciated you being there for her so she wasn't lonely and felt loved by you, that is so special.

Grieving is very difficult to deal with as the emotions are so very intense, so it is important that you let them out by crying and it is okay to feel sad when thinking about someone who has passed away. It is okay to feel sadness, there are many stages of grieving so it is really important that you allow yourself the space to feel sad and let out those emotions by crying, it is normal.

It can be nice to cry around others so maybe someone you feel comfortable to talk about your nan with, such as a counsellor or on these forums, be kind to yourself too okay. Sometimes crying alone to music is helpful, I do that, I listen to a sad song and let the crying come out to that song, it really helps, othewise when you bottle up those emotions they become more intense.

[eth]

I feel your sorrow @outlander.  Anniversaries can be so hard with grief.  You did your best for her, as you always do xx 😞

[outlander]

it is really hard @eth sometimes i think though if i didnt feel this then i wouldnt have a heart. at least thats something is suppose. thank you for your kinds words

[outlander]

@Lunar thank you for responding

the cancer caught up with her already weakened immune system and with only one lung and very limited cancer treatments. it was almost pointless her doing them but she chose to keep doing it so we respected her decision with that. i would never wish for anyone to go through what she did and i would never wish for anyone to have to go through that as a family. my heart goes out to them

i dont know the stages of grief atm  but i do know there are a few stages.

i dont know where i am at the moment with it. its only really been the past few months that ive been allowed to grieve.

i have no one. no one off here. im completely alone and it was proven tongiht but thats on my other thread. ill try and keep them separate. i dont cry all that often either

[Chris]

Let me first say that the feelings you are experiancing are normal. I have been through similar circumstances and my daughter has too. I lost my dad many years ago to lung cancer.  I was devistated. I couldnt tell him what was in my heart. All i could do was look after him the best i could. Let him spend as much time with my two young children as possible to put some joy in his life. It tore me apart watching him go through the treatment. The last time i saw him i was so distressed i ran out of the hospital crying.  Then i kept telling myself i have got to get it together for when i see him tomorow. But tomorow  never came. I recieved a phone call from the hospital the next morning to say he had passed away. My mum wanted to go in and see him, which she did. I couldnt. It wasnt my dad in that bed. I shut down emotionally . But some years later it caught up with me. All i could think of was i wasnt with him in his last moments. It took me years of therapy to get to the point that i realised i had done everything possible for him. Finally i am now at peace.

My daughter felt that she needed to look after her pop. 12months pria her grandma died. Then pop was hospitalised a couple of times.  She rang me a few times about moving in with him. On the last accasions she was crying being torn as what to do. The move involved moving her family. Daughter just in year 7, son in kinder. Husband.So it was a huge deal. At the end of our last phone call i said to her if she felt that strongly about it then she should do it. Well within the week they had moved down.

Now as much as pop is loved, he is a very difficult grumpy negative person, but has a heart of gold. So it was a huge learning curve for all concerned. It was very stressfull. But my daughter was the only one who could handle him. All the family acknowledge that. They often had a good old fashioned banter. So for four years she took him to appointments and where ever else he needed to go. Was his nurse at times dressing his leg ulsers.  Sadly in september last year he passed away sudenly three days after his ninety third birthday. My daughter found him in the bathroom. Needless to say she was extremely distressed as were the children. They are still living in the house at the moment. Its a constant reminder. But the moving out and the house being sold is again full of mixed emotions for them.

My advise to you would be to talk about it as much as you need to. It will help you come to terms with your loss. A friend, a psychologist,  life line here on sane. Write down your thoughts is another way to work through it.

I am sure that you did all you could for your loved one. I think we all can think we should have done more or done different. Guilt plays on our mind. The greiving proccess is different for us all. There no right or wrong way. But i do know that by talking about it it helps.

I hope some of this connects for you. I wish i could be by your side and lend a listening ear. Big hugs for you❤❤❤

[outlander]

hi @Chris

thank you for all your support

i dont have much energy to write a full repsonse- ive jsut not long ago gotten out of hospital. like 3ocolock this arvo ive been out.

but thank you for your support it means a great deal to me

[outlander]

Really struggling with all this 😞

[outlander]

I miss my nan
Why cant there be a stairway to heaven 😞