Lived Experience Forum

[3v3ryday]

I don't know if it's my mental illnesses or if I'm just a really awful person, but I'm a cheater and I regret it. I had 6telarionships with guys so far and I cheated on 4of them. All those 4treted me not very well, so I tell myself they deserved it. Right now I'm in a really great relationship with another non binary masc person (I'm nb too) and I didn't even think about cheating, I love him too much. I honestly think he's the one, no one treated me that amazing before. But here's the thing: last night I had a dream about an ex. In this Dream i ditched my current partner for said ex. And I woke up and realised that if this ex would try to kiss me, I probably wouldn't say no. He's the only ex who I let back into my life after breaking up. I cheated on another boyfriend with this ex. I'm just so confused and idk why I'm like this. I can't seem to stay true to one person. I m always craving something and someone new. I just need someone to tell me I'm not a bad person, I need to hear that other people are like this 😕
If it helps: I have severe depression, social anxiety, bpd and ADHD. Any nice comments welcome. Please don't make me feel guilty thx ❤️🌸

[Mazarita]

Hi @3v3ryday, I was a chronic cheater too when I was younger (now 55). In my case it has been linked to my bipolar 1. Mostly throughout my life I have experienced depression and anxiety, less frequently the manic and hypomanic times. Hypersexuality is strongly linked to bipolar. When I was younger and acting this way, I didn't know any of this and just felt that I had to be 'true' to my feelings. At that time I was diagnosed with depression and anxiety alone. 

I read on another thread that you are self diagnosed, except for in the case of you depression. Just wondering if you'd thought of trying to find a bulk-billing psychiatrist or psychologist. I always do this as I can't afford it otherwise. For me it has just been a matter of googling psychiatrists and/or psychologists within a viable travelling distance and ringing around to ask about bulk billing. Then when I've found one I think sounds okay, I've gone to my GP and asked for a referral (psychiatrist) or mental health care plan (6-10 medicare subsidised psychology visits). Sorry if I am giving you information you already know, just thought it might be useful if you haven't thought of it.

I am especially glad for the psychiatrist I found this way and who I've been seeing now for 2 years.

Wishing you the best.

[Former-Member]

Hi @3v3ryday

I think all of us have done things in our past that we regret as you are saying you do. We make mistakes and learn by it. That's life. When young, or any age really, we can all have those impulses you speak of believe me so don't beat yourself up about it; - if you were a awful person you wouldn't care less who you hurt or be feeling regretful like you are. It's good you are questioning things as this leads to inner growth as a person. A good thing. You are stopping to think about the consequences as all actions have them and damage can accrue. So you are wise to reach out this way.

I have suffered mental illness but it was not the reason I cheated in the past (over 30 yrs ago - I am committed now as I love my partner more than life). I had to admit that to myself to take responsibility for my actions and to prevent MI stigma or a feeling of helplessness as a result to occur. A lot of individual and unique factors came into "the why". But to be honest I didn't care about others then like I do now. People can change. And guilt should not drag one back from that.

Guilt initially helped me to think about what I was doing - so in that essence it was a good thing to have brought about positive change and better, more loving, longer lasting relationships resulted. I mean whom among us is totally guiltless? Guilt is only a bad thing if we don't forgive ourselves and hold onto it. That's destructive and serves no purpose. It serves to making us feel better about ourselves moving forward - and then let it go.

The essence of your situation is that to help resist those urges you just need to ask yourself and then remind yourself of the answers to these questions:- If I love x but feel the urge to sleep with y will it destroy that love when x finds out and becomes hurt by it? Is it worth it? What do I truly want - a loving committed relationship or endless affairs? How would I like to be treated? Then it's up to you to decide what you want, what matters to you and do all in your power to protect and nurture. When we want some thing bad enough that will strengthen our inner resolve and determination to resist those  "urges" no matter what is producing them in us. The latter does not make us helpless to saying "no" to them if we so choose. It really is up to you.

P.S. Years ago what helped me to stay true to my choices of commitment was to stay away from excessive alcohol, weed etc that removes all inhibitions. That is dangerous territory that would set me up for failure.