Hi Jake,
Thanks for sharing so honestly and courageously, excruciating to put out there - I hope there is also some relief for you in being able to be so candid.
No worries Kristin, one of my issues with relating to people is that they often wear 'masks' (some say we all do) and so it is hard to know if someone is 'real'. In my experience, I find that most people only relate on a shallow level and the truth often is hard for them to process. In other words, some people would rather entertain a non-truth that deal with reality. In reality I have been damaged by too many bad experiences, but also in reality I am having 'normal' reactions to abnormal events. I often wonder how the people who appear to 'have it all together' would have coped given my past life experiences.
I have bipolar, and my best friend (after many other diagnoses over the years) has DID, so I know a bit about both. As you say very hard things to live with (even without all the stigma).
Thanks for being open, I hope you are coping as best can be. I have an acquaintance living near me who I think is bipolar, as he swings from mania to depressive episodes, but when I suggested counselling he became very defensive (you know - it's everyone else not him). I think DID was demonised by the media, do you remember the movie/book 'Sybil'? I don't know about 16 personalities, but I do relate very differently to different people, depending on how I am treated. For example - I have played in bands and am told that I am a good musician - yet I have never formally learnt music. Freaks me out as I often feel I am in the wrong body (does that make sense?).
I really relate to what you mention of your history, especially childhood. This sort of abuse and neglect (hard to say which is the more damaging, they are both horrendous) sets us up for a life-time of damage-control. "Blaming parents" is sometimes quite appropriate if they were utterly irresponsible and/or abusive, and yet that doesn't get us very far in living our lives, except perhaps to get out a bit of the anger occasionally (can you ever get rid of that?). We have to find ways to live, grow and find nurture for ourselves - and this can be such a long journey.
@'They' say early childhood trauma is the most damaging if it occurs at an early age - well I was put in a home @ 4, dad died @ 5, I was exposed to a religious cult @ 6, then again @ 10, where I was sexually abused, so being 'asked' to leave home @ 16 was a blessing in disguise! Poor mum was very sick then (paranoid schizophrenic) I did not know till much later on. So dad had a mental illness, mum had a mental illness, my step-dad had a mental illness and I have.................
I completely agree with you about how many people perceive us as if we are lepers and contagious. Yet we have far more strength, insight, and usually compassion than most "ordinary" people. Because we have to work on ourselves, otherwise we are lost. These are some of the "gifts" that can come out of the suffering. But if you can't connect with anyone because you are regarded as taboo then how to share this? It increases the isolation and loneliness when you know you have something to offer others and cannot.
Yes as I say to people who look at me as some kind of leper - where do you think I got my DSP - off the back of a cornflakes box??? I had years of therapy (my choice) to sort out my 'demons' and now I see people all around me with their own 'demons' yet are so into self denial it is not funny anymore. Credit goes to anyone here that has a 'label'.
I have been living here (rural area of Vic) for about 8 years, and I guess I am fairly lucky that my former partner spends most of his time with us (he also had a bp diagnosis for many years, but they changed their minds recently!) - we are no longer together but we are friends and mostly enjoy each other's company. It took me a very long time (about 6 years) to really start to connect with people like myself living nearby, thankfully I found others through a community art "class" which is really more art therapy.
I now realise that I am so damaged by my past, that it is better for me if I live alone. The feedback I get from people when I 'come'out' is usually how 'my behaviour affects them, never how much mental anguish I may be experiencing at the time. In fact I try to go out of my way to meet people's needs, without playing the 'rescuer'. Want to know something funny - I once asked a friend who is in an abusive relationship (she would deny this) what a 'boundry' was (psychologically speaking) and she had no idea! This is a person who has an answer to everything, except her own problems!
I wrote about some of the sanity found in people with mental illness in a reply elsewhere (Re: MAD [Mightily Anxious & Depressed] seeking any support) so I won't go on again here. The loneliness without having those essential human connections is suffocating. I hope you can find some close to home too, as well as here.
Well without wanting to debate the role religion plays in a persons life (I was brought up in 2 cults) I have tried to get involved in churches, not only for the spiritual, but for the social aspect. I find that I don't play the game properly, I dare to open my mouth and express my opinion, which usually 'rocks the boat' to the people that want to laud it over me, so I end up leaving (I find avoidance works well if you are being emotionally abused - Lol!)
Take care!
Kind regards,
Kristin
Thanks for the feedback,
Kind regards, Jake
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