Lived Experience Forum

[Bella101]

Is talking on a forum like this helpful?

I have been told so.  

This is a new experience for me.

I am in my 50's and bravely so people say (foolishly I often think) decided to start to talk about my childhood trauma and even report the perpetrators to police, in which a open investigation is still in process. (and I could add a tonne of negative words about how the system is not there to support any victim at all - it's taking far to long to work through and far to expensive to get the professional support I need)  I have had to do most of the work myself to find support.  And it's just far to expensive.  

I had been able to hid the pain inside until covid.  I had been able to work hard and stay busy and all the pain I could run from, then the world stopped and I stopped and memories just couldn't be repressed any longer.  

I have been diagnosed with anxiety, major depression, C-PTSD.  I go in and out of suicidal ideation and battle really hard to not self-harm.  And I have gone from a professional (functional) lead secondary school teacher to not being able to work or even get up out of bed a lot of the time.  

In the last few months I have moved and this move has brought back lots of triggers and huge (totally not logically) fear that I am unsafe.  Several days a week I am here also on my own, while my husband who is amazing, travels for work.  

So I feel trapped, isolated, alone, abandoned (yet again).

I need to stay on alert when he is not here, my body just doesn't shut down at all and go to sleep at night.  

I need to know I am not alone.  This all feels too impossible to live through.  

I really don't know next steps and I like knowing a plan. 

We are running out of money -eating away at our savings and that just adds to the guilt of being unwell and not able to 'get fixed'.  My husband earn decent money - so I have never looked into what I might be eligible for, but I think I am going to have to, as we are going to have to funds from somewhere.  And that just adds to the shame and guilt I feel.  It makes me feel so hopeless.  But I am trying hard to stay away from the suicidal word.  Maybe if I post here and find some encouragement, maybe if I encourage someone else or text a friend (who may answer and now live ages away) maybe if I do, it will take my mind of me and change my feelings.  Just maybe - but it's not been my experience so far.  

Anyway that is my beginning ramble.  

Any suggestions, any ideas, any support, any late night encouragement would be most welcome.   

[NatureLover]

Hi and welcome, @Bella101 , it's good to have you here 🙂

I'm very sorry for your childhood trauma and the SI (suicidal ideation) you suffer.

I am also in my 50s and started to talk about my childhood (actually lifelong) trauma with my psychologist a few years back. It has done me a lot of good and she validated my trauma. I feel I've got a lot of healing through it - the damage is too deep to ever be fully healed, but at least I can move on with my life and I don't have all that anger any more. 

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@Bella101 wrote:

I need to know I am not alone.  This all feels too impossible to live through.  

I really don't know next steps and I like knowing a plan. 

Any suggestions, any ideas, any support, any late night encouragement would be most welcome.   

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Do you have any professional support? Like a counsellor, meds, psychologist or psychiatrist?

I hear you that money is tight. I see my psychologist 10 times a year which is subsidised through Medicare as I have a Mental Health Care Plan through the GP. Do you have that in place? 

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@Bella101 wrote:

Is talking on a forum like this helpful? 

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Yes, it's helpful talking to others who are experiencing what I experience. For instance, you can type any subject into the Search bar above for threads on that topic (e.g. anxiety, depression, C-PTSD). 

An important forum tip is if you type @ and then click on a name in the drop-down box, that person will get a notification and won't miss your reply.

[Aussiealways]

Hello sorry to hear about your suffering. From reading your story I had the feeling you need to get a lot off your chest find a good Counsellor. Yes I know this can be hard to find a bulk billing one. I phone Lifeline when I am feeling overwhelmed by my depression & unload a bit. Also at home too much makes things worse so volunteering at something you enjoy helps. Regarding finances what about those reverse mortgages they talk about on Tv if you own your own home it’s called HouseholdCapital. 
My Christian faith also gives me some peace. All the best to you. 

[SallySurvivor]

I am new to this forum also and am unsure if or how it will help. I have joined facebook groups in the past which i found very helpful because there was always someone on there to connect with when i really needed interaction. I lao find just putting down your thoughts can be very helpful..

my story is a little different but i am dealing with many similar issues as you. i hope we can both find some benefit through this space xx