Lived Experience Forum

[Silenus]

I wanted to share my personal experience with ObSeSsIvE cOmPuLsIvE dIsOrDeR, and see if others are willing to share their own experiences too... 🙂

ObSeSsIvE cOmPuLsIvE dIsOrDeR is an interesting thing. It has always fascinated me. Throughout the course of my life, I have had various compulsions come and go, and there have been others that stay with me all the time.

Rather than see my ObSeSsIvE cOmPuLsIvE dIsOrDeR as a bad thing, I see it as a very important coping mechanism within the greater mindscape of this loopy little noodle of mine. To me, ObSeSsIvE cOmPuLsIvE dIsOrDeR is mostly about establishing a sphere of control around me, so that I can feel safe. When the wild mood and energy swings of my bipolar are tearing me this way or that, I find that I can retreat to repetition and ObSeSsIvE cOmPuLsIvE behaviour and ritual, and this helps me to cope.

By this simple reordering of my thoughts about ObSeSsIvE cOmPuLsIvE dIsOrDeR, it stops being a burden or a disorder, and becomes a part of me (and often a very useful part of me at that). Now that's surely a great way to turn a frown upside down... 🙂

Here are some of my ObSeSsIvE cOmPuLsIvE dIsOrDeR behaviours and rituals and stuff...

• When I was a kid, up until maybe the age of 23 or 24, I used to avoid stepping on cracks. I would constantly be scanning the path ahead, and adjusting the length of my steps so as to avoid the cracks. Even if I was talking with others or concentrating on other things, the crack avoidance would still be firmly turned on. For some reason in my early twenties, I decided to challenge what I considered to be a "silliness", and started to deliberately step on cracks. Nothing bad happened - the world did not shake itself apart - and now I find that cracks in the path don't have to be avoided any more. This particular compulsion has faded.
• I clean a lot. I am a neat freak, though I've gotten a lot better. It's not that I am afraid of bacteria or anything like that - I in fact avoid antibacterial soaps and hand wipes because I believe they weaken our body's immune system.
• When I was a kid out playing in the yard, I would come inside and wash my hands and get the dirt out from under my fingernails every half hour or so. I had to have clean hands to be able to play in the dirt. This compulsion has eased, though I still like to have clean hands.
• I wipe my mouth compulsively when eating. Just about every mouthful of food is followed by a wipe of the mouth using a napkin.
• I count things a lot. My own heartbeat. Seconds. Dog barks. Bird calls. Train carriages. Ants...
• When I was a kid, everything in my room was precisely placed. I could tell if someone had been in my room, even down to the slight rotation of an object.
• I have a thing that I call my "clean plate policy". My parents were always big on eating everything on your plate. My ObSeSsIvE cOmPuLsIvE dIsOrDeR takes this to extremes. I regularly end up with a plate that looks totally clean. I pick up every single crumb and eat it. I overeat when I am served too much food on my plate, because of my clean plate policy.
• I resist the strong urge to straighten pictures on walls. I have a good square eye, and even if a frame is hanging a tiny angle off true, I need to go and straighten it.
• Writing can become quite obsessive for me. I go to a place within myself, and it can take a while to make my way back out to the Really Real.

So, there are a few of my little oddities. They are mostly harmless, and some of them are even quite helpful.

Are there any others out there who experience ObSeSsIvE cOmPuLsIvE dIsOrDeR?

[theaveragejoe]

Yes, SIlenus, I have compulsive obsessive disorder, and for me too it is helpful. 

For some people it can be a burden though. I was reading that some do it as in supertition: if you don't jump over a crack on the pavement or touch some object something bad will happen to you. If you don't wash your hands every 5 minutes bateria will harm you. When this happens it can be a burden and quite exhausting.

Fortunately for me it is a milder, and more controllable, form just like yours. 

For those who want to know more about this and find it interesting watch the movie As Good As It Gets with Jack Nicholson. Terrific movie and very entertaining. All obout OCD and Anxiety.

[theaveragejoe]

Also, I forgot to mention that avoiding stepping on cracks is part of the OCD, but eating everything on your plate may be not OCD but simply something that you have done when little and continue to do, a belief that was inculcated in you that you need to polish your plate.

For me, my OCD is a bit different than yours. I have to touch certain objects, whatever objects my mind suggests otherwise my mind tells me that something bad will happen. "Touch that door handle! Or something terrible will happen!" And so that I have the compusion to touch it.

But I am able to control myself now. Funny thing is that when I get a bit hypo the OCD becomes stronger. It is almost absent while depressed.

Fortunately, as I said, I can control myself especially when in public. It is possible to control oneself but very difficult and even painful. 

When I get severe OCD I start tiding up things like cleaning and making order and this seems to help to calm down my OCD. 

It is a problem, sometimes. I know that what I am doing is stupid, I mean why touch a door handle or switch the light on and off a couple of times?  But it is a disorder and with great strength it can be controlled. I don't respond to my mind's requests. And mind you that the voice of my mind is silent I do not hear voices and do not suffer with psychosis. 

[Margaret1974]

My OCD has been hiding under the anxiety and like you is not around when I'm depressed. At the moment the OCD is out of control and I am struggling to stay well. The irrational thoughts are ruining my life and now it's affecting others. I've mostly been able to hide my rituals and even completely get rid of some of the more inane ones such as colour coding pegs but driving is becoming difficult again and thinking I've done something bad or hurt someone is always on my mind - these come as thoughts to explain things. I find that it so time consuming and feel that my brain doesn't stop - it is painful to break the cycles or patterns. I am so scared:(

[Silenus]

I am so sorry to hear that you are struggling with your OCD, @Margaret1974. Sending gentle hugs your way.

One of the most important things for me, living with my ObSeSsIvE cOmPuLsIvE dIsOrDeR, is coming to grips with the fact that bad things don't happen when I go against the established rituals or try to ignore the compulsions.

Of course, that is an easy thing to say, and usually much harder to follow through with, as anxiety so often tends to be tightly woven into the fabric of it all.

You mention colour coding pegs... oh wow... I thought I was the only one that did that... red for socks and undies, blue for pants, white for tops... it took me many years to break that one. I still have the compulsion to do it, and sometimes it rises to that fever pitch "angry bees buzzing in my mind" kind of thing. I don't know if you get a similar feeling...

You say that you are scared and that driving is becoming difficult. Are you willing to expand on that?

I know when I am struggling with the head-stuffed-with-cotton-wool slow thinking when depressed that I try to avoid driving, as I feel that I am a danger to myself and others on the road. When I get like that, my lack of concentration can be quite alarming. I go through the motions of being on auto-pilot - when I change lanes, I look over my shoulder to check my blind spot, but when I'm depressed, I don't actually see or notice if there are any cars there or not.

Similarly, when I am too high in my hypomania, I avoid driving, because my frustration levels can spike. I hate being aggressive, but sometimes when I am heading up on an 8 out of 10 or higher hypomania, I really have to work very hard to control the extreme emotions and frustration levels. I therefore feel it is best to avoid driving at these times, if at all possible.

It is such a limitation that our mental health struggles can have such a detrimental effect on our lives, but at the end of the day I guess we just have to focus on keeping ourselves and those around us safe.

Once again @Margaret1974 - sending gentle hugs your way. 🙂

[Margaret1974]

Thanks for the advice. one of the worst things is when something happens which can't be explained. my mind goes crazy thinking tje most bizarre of scenarios. just want my brain to stop. it's always been this way but when i was little my mum could calm me - she died a long time ago. have decided today to try and stay positive and push the unwanted thoughts out 🙂