Lived Experience Forum

[Pheenstar]

One day, hopefully soon, I want to get ready to help my partner who I think is morbid on some level, Where together 5 years,I'm not sure how morbid as there are some things that are different from what the book says, we are a young family and I feel one step I need to take is to have a go at helping her. Before I decide to put up with it, embrace it or move on.  Thinking about the problems of confronting this to her mental state, as currently I dont think her mental state is that bad. I don't want to make her feel bad and not get better. Certainly no suicide/self harm thoughts, not really depressed much, sleeps good and can handle the kids no problem. So to confront this,kinda want to have a feel for the chances of success, understand the process and where to start,  which at the moment, she doesn't think there anything wrong, and I guess I could be wrong. 

Is hard to describe what I've been through and how she does it, and to look at her or know her you wouldn't believe it, so I haven't really said to much as it's a bit too intense for most people, and the guy crying about an abusive girl isn't mine or anyone's favourite topic. Am hoping by listing a load of things, maybe someone else can relate, more with experience of males possibily with long term partners with some similar attributes, can comment and some how piece together what's the best way to go...

- from day one the constant put downs, not just here and there, i feel it's her favourite topic and any conversation will go to this. And to defend myself would be just fuel to the fire and would end up her ending the relationship, threats she leaving, telling me to go and using the kids against me. Not this way with others and she doesn't really want that

- negativitety towards  anything I suggest... not as bad lately, but the answer was no to just about everything, inability to say yes even... to the point where questions, where the answer can't really be no, are defended with any excuse possible, even if it doesn't make one bit on sence, if I'm getting upset or frustrated with the negativity or react.. not this way with others

No violence, threats of violence, even thoughts of violence, totally no violent.

Jealous mainly to one girl and never a real problem with others, she says she has insecurities about jealousy after a partner cheated on her about 10 yr ago. The person I had not really had any contact with the said person and had broken up 5 yrs before we met and she was happily married with kids, No matter what I said didn't change anything. jealously of other women has not been an issue, but have been busy with everything and simply put, I don't go out anymore.

most conversations, she will put something in there, to pump herself up.. possibly all, kinda subtle but there always

about 6 months ago when I realised, she can't help this shit,  I had to focus hard on my son as he wasn't going the right way, u could say, she had no idea what was wrong, or what  I was on about, how or why he is going good now, she thinks I was hurting him and she needed to protect him..  she continue to abuse and argue in front of him even more, and any efforts to get her on the same page turned to me and here abuseing each other,  through this period, I would say she was at her worst, and was easy to see something was up..

if I get down, which luckily don't happen very often, this somehow puts her in a really happy mood, this nearly sounds paranoid, but it seems true...

i have no trust issue with her, seems faithful and no interest in other men.. 

after most bad arguments or periods, is a cry where she says the same thing about wanting to be loved and some stuff bad against me and how she is doing  this and that .. 

same haircut for 20 yrs(possibly something)

hasnt really decorated one wall of house..(possibly something)

smokes and drinks white wine for twenty yrs

we got a dog and dd not take her for a walk for 4 months. (I was sometimes exhausted from work, home late, what ever and then had to take her out , )in my eyes, it sound like a bitch this but not one walk with a new dog, for me is something

sister thinks something up, but at the crunch won't confront her with this

good relationship with the kids

abuse does not have to be a all true or even my thoughts, from screaming that I wish she was dead to you think I'm a bad mother

no drug issues

and a quick history, she German, punching way above my weight,  met her 7 yr ago, went back to see her in Germany, then she came here to live, with in less than a year we split, worst relationship ever, ran into her again after a year and Nathan born 9 months later, , the kids have kept us together, there no doubt there. I used to think that she could be the worst partner in history, Now I feel good about her, but not good about our chances, I feeling for our two young sons, her and me and the long unhappy rd ahead for everyone.. plan A ---GET her fixed, PLAN B not her fault, fuck doing the right thing and having pride and defending against the abuse, she can't help it, so suck it up and somehow fall in love and everyone wins, moving on is easy to say, don't think I can leave a 1 and a 4 yr old... 

Read over it, many more things, sounds more like a wingy bloke than anything else, I can only say, that I'm not a sook, I have a good head, debatably strong mind, morals, heart and supposedly intelligent, I just work and look after kids is me

neil

cheers if there's some help out there, someone interested in helping us... I'm a do my best to help some others

[Mazarita]

Hi @Pheenstar and welcome to the forum.

It's a difficult situation you describe and the only way I can think to reply to what you have said is to share a little of my personal experience. I recognise some of the behaviours you describe from my own increasingly distant past. Sadly it was me doing the screaming about wishing to be dead. I was also the one who said awful things. At the time I had been diagnosed with depression and anxiety, later it was recognised as bipolar. Melancholy has always been part of my make up even from a child (which is probably similar to what you describe as 'morbid').

Fortunately it's been years now since I've been in highly distressed states like that. A number of things have helped: medication, counselling, my own efforts to recognise and change this behaviour and a very kind companion who was willing to ride out the rough patches with me to get to the smoother times. It also took quite some time to go through this process.

I'm hoping some others might come in and respond to your post too. In the meantime, one possible source of support for you might be Mens Line. They have a 24 hour phone support line and may have people there with more experience of a situation like yours. Kindest wishes to you and your family.

[Pheenstar]

She hasn't screamed "I wish I was dead' ,  She can say "you wish I was dead don't you" and all sorts, I have found that defending myself in a civilised way is the worst tact, calling her out and abusing her back with stuff is not far behind only she will  cling onto those things and say that you think this about her when u were only defending yourself with unwarranted shit that trumped her unwarranted crap... then next best would be to just keep saying leave me alone and stop abusing me until she gets sick of hearing those words, (still not great) and still not where u want to be with a young family sitting right there, next best and this is just from experience on what works best, not what I think is best, is to just leave and tell her honestly what u think of what she might be saying... then saying that's just morbid then get some help , you are morbid seem to work the best, so I'm thinking, long term I don't want to go there, and need a strategy that might end up being productuctive. None of the stuff she says bothers me, I know what's, what... but is the same thing everyday, it's abuse, and it means I gotta think poorly about my partner .....before I understood that something wrong, and then u end up wanting to leave and I don't want a court battle to see the kids, and now it ain't even her fault .. 

i don't know what it feels like  for two people to be working toward something, I can't remember ever thinking, or looking at her and having that feeling and she is a beautiful women, great body and I don't think it takes much for me to get that fuzzy feeling,   I feel like it's not the way for me to go to get help at present , with something like mensline, I kinda want to have a go at solving this one , need more info to process for now .  I don't feel down as yet, I just don't want to have another 17 yrs of this crap,  don't feel like I can see the kids and her and I don't want nothin to do with this sort of thing