Lived Experience Forum

[BorderlineGirl]

I don't know about my other mental health issues but I have had anxiety my entire life. 

Talking to people was so hard and oral presentations at school were absolute torture. 

And yet my parents always said she's just shy 

But I wasn't shy, i needed help, why didn't they help me 

Because my sisters mental health issues were visible,  she got help but i didnt

I don't blame my sister, but I do resent my parents 

[hanami]

Hi @BorderlineGirl 

I understand and relate to those feelings of resentment. I always felt like I had anxiety from a very young age. My brother was always very outwardly emotional and I always felt like he got attention and I was forgotten. I'm 54 now and in my 40s I realised I had to either confront my parents about it or let it go. I chose the latter as it wasn't worth the drama to me. That's not to say I've forgotten or don't have moments where I am angry towards my parents for not getting me help. But mostly I can live without it impacting me negatively. I figure I am who I am (and mostly feel I'm a decent person) so things have worked out ok. Also, talking to a psychologist about the feelings towards my parents helped a lot. 

What is your relationship like with your parents?

Sending hugs

Hanami

[BorderlineGirl]

I'm 33

My mum died of cancer when I was 24

My dad doesn't like my husband, so we barely talk 

[hanami]

Oh gosh @BorderlineGirl , I'm so sorry to hear about your mum. And the fact you barely talk with your dad most likely means you have no choice about saying anything to him. It's very difficult for you. Like you must feel like you have unresolved feelings that may not have the chance to heal? ❤️

[BorderlineGirl]

Yeh there is so much I wish I could say to both of them 

[hanami]

Hugs to you @BorderlineGirl , that is really tough. Have you ever chatted to a psychologist or counsellor about your feelings? One of the things that the psyche got me to do was write a letter to my mum and say EVERYTHING I wanted to get off my chest. Then either tear the letter up, burn it, bury it. It was a way to let my feelings go while still getting them off my chest. It was really helpful. 

[MissMuffet]

Hi @BorderlineGirl 

I think it's normal to feel some level of resentment to our parents when we know things that happened to us as a kid continue to have an impact in our adult lives. How we were parented does influence our personality, coping mechanisms, relationships etc

I have a lot of resentment towards my mum about so many things but a big one is that she never let me do anything. She wrapped me in cotton wool, told me I was "too small"  or "too fragile" and that has not only given me lots of regrets  but also means as and adult I'm lacking confidence and independence.

It can be really hard realising that you are the way you are is because of stuff your parents did or didn't do. 

Having said that I still love my mum and now I as an adult am choosing to forge my own path. Up until just a few years ago (and I'm 30 now) I would still ask my mum when making decisions even though it had absolutely no bearing on her life. But now I am taking charge and not worrying so much about what she thinks. Don't get me wrong, it's hard to change a lifetime of beliefs about myself but slowly and surely things are getting better.

You too can choose to continue to be the shy girl you grew up as or you can challenge it. Whether than means finding someone who can help you work through it (a psychologist can be a good start) or something else, it is now your turn to call the shots.

I think we'd all like to be able to say our parents did right by us, but I guess they were probably struggling too from the way their parents were to them. Not saying that they are blameless, but unfortunately we can't change the past. We can work with what we've got now and it's never too late to start getting that support you missed out on before.

All the best x