Lived Experience Forum

[Hopesmum]

Hi. I have just joined this group after reading about BPD. Previously I have been diagnosed with Complex PTSD, depression and anxiety. My psychiatrist mentioned BPD group therapy might be useful, but........... any kind of group activity is extremely anxiety provoking for me and if I am expected to speak and interact...... ??????

My brief history is... I'm the youngest of 4. Was an extremely shy child who saw everything but spoke and interacted little. I was a rule follower and peacekeeper. My Dad worked long hours and was strict. My mother was quiet and indifferent alot of yhe time. I was sexually abused by both of my brothers, a cousin and a family friend's son between the ages of 4ish to 11. It is still a secret from my Dad. My sister and Mother know, but they like to bury their heads in the sand. Me...... I still desperately need the illusion of a happy family to cope with my thoughts and feelings.

Now in my 40's I lead a very secluded solitary life. My 21 year old son still lives at home. He is very understanding even with his own issues with Aspergers. He is very smart and is a qualified machinist.

I feel so stuck in a place with no way out. I have zero motivation or will or want. Everything feels too hard and exhausting to do. Even going to the toilet or getting a drink takes hours to work up to and all of my energy. And I feel like I am failing at trying to get better. I see a Psychiatrist weekly (a new one for the last 6 months, previous one for 5 years) and my GP fortnightly. I am extremely well practised at hiding all emotion from showing on the outside and find speaking impossible often. I guess I do not have a question..... more a need to say I am stuck in a bad place and I do not know how to get out.... Sorry if this is not the place to air this.... I just need someone to 'hear' me

[Former-Member]

Hi @Hopesmum,

welcome to the forums. It certainly is a place to post what you have. I'm sorry your life has been so difficult and you've not had the family support you deserve.

I find myself getting stuck often too. Life seems impossible at those times. I connected with even going to the toilet sometimes seems too big. I've been in that place and still fall back there a lot. 

From your post I gathered you mean to do a DBT group. I'm thinking that it may be good to post to people on the forum to get some confidence as a lead in to group work. My confidence has grown since I've been on the forum and in the next few months I'm about to do DBT again. The first time I found it really confronting but I think I'm ready for it now. 

There are many of us who get stuck. It's ok and we support each other through. I hope this helps. Best wishes 💜🤗

[Hopesmum]

Thanks @Former-Member

I am not sure what group therapy course it might be. It was just a suggestion by my Dr, with a future possibility in mind. To be honest it is too overwhelming. How can I manage that if going to the loo is so hard????

It is a relief to know I am not alone.... but sad too that others feel like I do. I would not wish this on my worst enemy.....

Thank you for reaching out.
XX

[oceangirl]

Hi @Hopesmum

Welcome to the forum

I hear you and I truly hope you are able to heal from your past trauma. I am the youngest of four children too and I am in my 40's too. Life is meant to start at 40, you have many years ahead of you to enjoy.

You deserve so much more and you deserve to be happy too. I say focus on what you are good at and its never too late to start or to learn new things. A journey of a thousand miles begins with one step.

I have to say up until two years ago I was struggling too and I started by seeing exercise physiologist and that really helped me because the physical activity started me on a path of wellness-this was something that worked for me but it may not be for everyone.

[Hopesmum]

Thank you @oceangirl

My favourite saying is you can only eat an elephant one bite at a time....

I've decided while I sit and can not move I will make something to donate to a charity.... better than letting the thoughts run wild

Thank you for taking the time to reply.

[Appleblossom]

A very wise post @Hopesmum and decision behind it.  

Gentliegh Bentleigh with you.

[Lunar]

Hello @Hopesmum,

Welcome to the forums, I'm glad it helped you to write that and feel heard but it also helps others who are facing similar struggles, so thank you.

Group therapy no doubt causes a lot of anxiety for most people which is normal but at the same time you would want to be ready for that type of therapy so maybe take your time and if you do go just sit back as much as you can and join in when you feel.

It's great you have taken the big step to reach out to the forums and sharing that way when you mentioned that your life is solitary and that you feel stuck and unmotivated, again a big strong step to take so well done.

You mentioned you are seeing a Psychiatrist, are they able to support you with feeling more motivated or do you think you could look into also seeing a Psychologist or counsellor for more support to do this if you feel like group therapy is too much for you right now?

Lunar 🙂

[Hopesmum]

Hi @Lunar

Thank you for replying. I am happy with my Psychiatrist. He is psychotherapy based and is pro active in both medication changes when needed and suggestions regarding behavioural changes and understanding my thinking processes. I guess I am still getting to know him as up until Jan I only saw him every 2 weeks. It is made more difficult because of my often inability to speak. But I am improving slowly although I still only whisper. Most of my communication has been in diary form. I agree, I think group therapies will be some time away yet. I am very hesitant to see a psychologist also as I become easily overwhelmed by the pressure I place on myself and conflict I have inside between trying what they suggest and not trying so I don't fail.... then I shut down and do not function at all...... my perceived possible failure trumps every rational thought..... and I feel like I die inside. Does that make any sense???

[Lunar]

Oh that is so good that your Psychiatrist has both of those skills to be able to support you with your thoughts and behaviours @Hopesmum. It does sound like you are still getting to know them as your sessions are more frequent now so I guess that alone should even start to help you out more with that extra support?

That makes complete sense about not trying incase of failure because of the pressure you put on yourself too succeed, perhaps it's the ambitions you have are simply too big for now which is putting you off trying, trying can be the biggest motivator in itself.

Are you able to break it down in steps and make these ambitions smaller and then more achievable so you are more inclined to try ? What is one of them ?

Lunar

[Hopesmum]

@Lunar

My biggest hurdle is my belief that, for me alone, 99% is still a fail. Not good enough. So for example my kitchen is a mess..... My rational mind knows I could just wash 1 thing at a time and eventually it will be done. That every 1 thing is a win...... My self belief and self judgement does not believe that. That part is critical of the fact that I would even have to do 1 thing at a time. That I "should" be able to get it all done and keep it all done. Then the name calling starts and I end up just hiding in my room beating myself up. My rational mind knows the pros and cons and that I am sabotaging myself, but I feel powerless to fight that part of me that is so critical. It's like I can see what's happening but the feelings it brings up and energy it takes to fight are too much. I feel worse either way..... and then I wonder if I am just making excuses to stay in this place of misery????