Lived Experience Forum

[Cherpieus]

Hi there,

This is my first time here and I'm not sure where to start.

I've read a number of posts and I am astounded by so many peoples courage in the face of mental illness and distressful life situations.

I'm 41 and have had 4 bouts of depression in my life. I'm currently in my fourth now. The first was when I was 23 and I recovered with counselling and without medication. The second was post natal depression after I had twins when I was 25 and I recovered with medication and counselling. The third was 8 years ago when I went through a divorce. This was the worst. I was suicidal and was in hospital. I recovered with medication and counselling. I stabalised for about 6 years on one medication. I felt reasonable enough to live and I met a wonderful man who I fell in love with and we got married.

Over the last 6 months I've gone down hill. I've been back to see my GP who changed my medication although it hasn't improved things. I'm waiting to get in to see a psychiatrist to see what more can be done with medication. I am now so depressed.

I tried to share my feelings with my husband and he got upset and has withdrawn from me emotionally and physically. I feel terrible that I've upset him and I feel like he has no respect or love for me now.  I have no friends as I lost them all in my divorce.

My mum is dying of a brain tumor and I support my Dad by being with him at the nursing home 3 days a week. I work full time (Sunday to Thursday). I have 15 year old twins (girl / boy) who live with us 50% of the time. I have a step son who is 20 and has just gotten married and they live with us too. I have a step daughter who is 24 and has a 3 year old girl - they don't live with us.

I get no enjoyment out of anything anymore. I cry at least once a day, sometimes more. I've been to so much counselling over the years and have done courses in CBT and DBT. I do all the 'right' things. Exercise, mindfulness, distraction, blah blah blah.  Nothing works and nothing helps.

I feel so alone and incapable of making myself better. My husband thinks I should just be 'happy'. If only it was that simple.

I am exhausted from pretending I'm ok. I can't even be myself at home now because of my husband. I don't want to go home.  

I'm trying to develop some sort of interest. I play the piano (not very well), do jigsaw puzzles and have started colouring. Again, it doesn't help. 

That's all I can cope with writing now. Although it sounds all so depressing at least it's the truth.

[Jacques]

Hi @Cherpieus Welcome to the forums,

It sounds like you are going through an incredably tough time at the moment, it sounds like you are very busy and have a complicated home life, i suffer from bad depression myself so i know how you are feeling, have you thought of calling lifeline when you are feeling down? it is good to speak to someone, i find comming here and venting or discussing ways of coping during difficult times very helpful.

I am sorry to hear about your mother, it is difficult watching a loved one die, my father died of MND 14 years ago, i cared for him, up until the day before he died.

I hope you mnage to find this forum helpful, their are wonderful people here with a variety of life experiances.

Take care, be kind to yourself

Jacques

[Mazarita]

Hi and welcome @Cherpieus

Sorry you are feeling so down at the moment. I've experienced depression as part of bipolar disorder. It has gone up and down in intensity over my life (I'm in my 50s). I hope the psychiatrist appointment comes up soon for you. I've had a lot of help from psychiatrists over the years and am happy with the new one I've been seeing for about the past three months. I have improved since I started seeing him. I hope you have good luck too with your new course of treatment.

Your responsibilities may be overloading you and I wonder if there are any avenues of community support you could access. Perhaps one of the site moderators might have suggestions along these lines.

I can understand your feelings of disappointment with your relationship at the moment. I've had different partners in my life and one divorce. These days I think I'm in a good place within my relationship, though it has been rocky at times in the past. I hope the best in future for you and your husband.

[CherryBomb]

Hi @Cherpieus

You have SO much on your plate right now. I think most people would be feeling overwhelmed and distressed.

@Mazarita raises a really good point - your responsibilities may be overloading you. Stress can trigger illness, so putting things in place, such as community support can help to minimise stress. It's great that you've been so active in seeking out support. Another option that you might want to look into is getting a referral to a psychologist. Unlike psychiartrists, they mainly focus on talking therapies like counselling, and you can get a medicare rebate with some of them. To find a psychologist you can check out the APA website.

You mentioned that you've gotten through several times in the past. This is good news, as it signals that you can get through this again. What types of things do you find helpful. @Mazarita can I ask what you do to stay well, and/or recover?

[Mazarita]

Hi @CherryBomb 🙂

I'm amazed by what you are managing to do already, @Cherpieus. Like you, I sometimes play guitar, not very well, and I don't pick it up as much as I might. Lately I started colouring. One of the main focus points of my recovery at the moment is simply walking. Today I took a half hour walk to the shops and another half hour returning around the back streets of my neighbourhood. There were trees and sun and birds and only occasional people. I find this kind of activity can release my mind or help find a better rhythm for the stream of thoughts and feelings. I understand if this kind of thing may not be working for you at the moment. I've been in those places too. Luckily we don't always stay there. Wishing you well.

[Appleblossom]

Having a house with 2 generations of couples and work and sick family would overwhelm us all. With so much responsibility and no sense of relief in your home you are in a tough position. You must be exhausted.

Pity your husband is not more sympathetic .. he may feel benefit for overseeing the new young marriage .. but he does need to learn to look after his marriage with you ..

Welcome to the forums.. hope you get some respite.

[Cherpieus]

Thanks Jacque.

I've got a question about Lifeline because I have considered calling recently. When I looked at the website it says it's for a crisis.

I don't think I'm having a crisis. I'm not threatening suicide. I'm not unsafe.

I felt after reading through their site that I don't want to waste their time.

Am I wrong or is it for just talking about something you're going through - not a crisis.

Thanks for your input.

[Cherpieus]

Hi Cherrybomb

Thanks for your response.

Last time it was the medication that got me through to be honest.

DBT was also most helpful and I'm going through all my notes to try and apply everything I learnt then. I was doing this though before I got really bad so it hasn't helped as much this time. 

I can't fit in seeing a psychologist again at the moment. My GP agreed. Fitting in seeing a psychiatrist is hard enough because I'll have to take time off work.

My work has been really good up until now where they've said they don't want me working from home as much (was doing 2 days at home - now they only want me to do one day at home.

I am trying to be kind to myself.

[MoonGal]

Cherpieus, sometimes it just helps to talk it out with someone who cares and will listen for a little while.

I have called Lifeline a few times, when not strictly 'in crisis' but feeling overwhlemed. You seem to have a very high bar set for yourself, we are allowed to reach out for help, and it is a relief when we do. Even if the lifeline counsellor just listens, it is a relief valve.

Consider calling lifeline, they are there to help.

A metaphor for crisis is... when life is unravelling faster than you can wind the thread.

I am very fortunate in that my partner understands my mental health condition and has advanced Moon Gal management skills. Perhaps a councsellor could help equip you with ways to talk to your husband, that protects your own sense of self. Many do not understand or 'tolerate' mental ill-health because they do not understand it.

You have so much on your plate. Being daughter, mother, house keeper, wife - and your own sense of self seems to have been subsumed by all the responisibilities, eh? It can help to talk those out. Sort out priorities. Get your feet on sound footing again.

All the best, i feel for you. You will get through this.

[Jacques]

Hi @Cherpieus,

I second what @MoonGal says, it is a crisis line but they should really say overwhelmed line, you have so much going on right now, and @MoonGal they are their to listen and help, sometimes getting a different view on situations from an outside source is well worth while, it gives you different perspectives on the problem and some somutions to deal with your troubles.

I recommend clling them if you feel overwhelmed or just need someone outside the family to talk to.

Good luck @Cherpieus, take care & be kind to yourself.

Jacques