Lived Experience Forum

[PrincesBlobs]

Please note: mentions of suicidal thoughts but I am safe and have supports in place. 

Diagnosed with PTSD, depression, anxiety, panic disorder, ptsd & C-PTSD

In my early 30’s now: rough childhood, emotionally disturbing experiences, continuous bullying, moved countries, cross cultural pressures and pain, raised in poverty and was a particularly defiant teenager with addiction and mental health issues. Self harm and suicide were constant companions. I eventually became homeless. 

With support from an agency I studied, got a traineeship, got a great job, fell in love, worked on my personal issues and mental health, reconnected with family etc…

Flash forward a decade and the work environment became toxic. 6 months of relentless & targeted bullying (emotional and physical) and suddenly it all came back. Along with something different, panic attacks, severe depression, constant fear and hyper-vigilance. 

Workers comp has seen me try every medication, provided me a bipolar diagnosis and many others. I experienced a medication induced psychotic episode. The medication experience has been bad. Very very bad. I have every doctor available to me and I am so lucky for this. I ceased medication 8 months ago and it’s made an incredibly positive difference but…

I am not the same person I was and I am ashamed. I am tired of working every day to simply get out of bed. To fight through compo. To eat. To drive. To answer a phone. I’ve lost the person I love during this. And struggled to move. I am lonely having lost my friends to what happened at work or during my episode. I am tired. I have thoughts of suicide but strong coping skills and supports in place. 

sometimes I am so angry for what happened in that 6 months at work because it wasn’t fair and I am so profoundly affected by it. 

I wanted to share this to not feel alone. I’m looking for some kind words of encouragement and understanding. I am looking for anyone who has a similar story. I am okay. 

[Fairladyzx]

• My heart goes out to you.
  Similar situation. This past year has destroyed my life. I too fantasise about suicide. How easy it would be. But, I think how much heartache that will cause and I try to hold on. I call some helplines late at night when the panic hits hard.
  I have found some relief through guided meditation on YouTube. Sit in the bottom of the shower.
  Life is dealing with problems with moments of joy in between.
  I have lost my health, wealth, lover, home and sanity. I too feel like a shell of my former self.
  But, I prey and have hope. Find joy in tiny places each day.

[PrincesBlobs]

@Fairladyzx thank you so much for your reply. I knew I wanted to hear from people in similar situations but I didn’t expect how it would make me feel. Somehow, sad, glad but connected, heard and understood. Just, thank you. I hear you re: helplines and I’ve been considering meditation. I have a range of things depending, sometimes diy/ reading/ guitar, sometimes helplines, reaching out to my sister who moved in to help care for me. It feels like survival some days. And the loss of home, heart, mind & soul… I prey too. And seek out those little happy moments. Thank you for helping me feel less alone in this experience.

[Fairladyzx]

No need to thank me.

I wish people were more honest about their situations vs hiding behind a mask. 

Sometimes a shared story is the key to someone's prison. 

We all need someone when our world is crumbling around us.

Just one moment at a time. 

From one aching soul to another - I hear you, I feel you, I emphasise ❤️

[NatureLover]

Welcome, @PrincesBlobs , I'm just so sorry for the suffering you have endured all your life 💔

Please don't be ashamed for just doing what you need to survive - I know, easier said than done. 

A handy forum tip is if you type @ and then click on a name in the drop-down box, that person will get a notification and won't miss your reply.

Please take care as you are a valuable human being. 

[MissMuffet]

Hi @PrincesBlobs 

Sounds like things have been a bit of a rollercoaster. My partner is currently working at a place with a pretty toxic work environment and I worry about him. He just doesn't seem like himself anymore. It can happen to anyone, so I hope you're taking steps to look after yourself.

Thoughts of suicide is serious - is there someone you have been able to talk about this to? I know you said that medication you tried was really bad, but do you think maybe you could see a doctor about trying something else? I had a couple of really bad episodes after trying a particular med but now I'm on something else that is ok. Or maybe you can get some sessions with a psychologist?

Sorry to hear that you're having such a rough time, if things get really bad just remember help is available!