Friends, Family & Carers Forum

[winap76]

Hi, In searching for information to help my brother, 41, I came across your post.  My situation is similar in that my brother has been lashing out at me and my mother - in the last month (after a 6 month relapse on drugs & street life).  He has been issued with a DVO to stop him from attending our homes and place of business, but he is living on the streets and is bouncing around causing havoc.  His behaviour has been escalating for over a month now (after we paid for him to come back due to the death of my grandfather) and no-one can rationalise with him to get him help.  I have had to lodge a Justices Examination Order, to have him assessed under an Involuntary Mental Health order - which only last for 7 days, which unforunately because I lodged it on a Thursday, the relevant department didn't get it until Friday afternoon and because of the weekend and the agencies being understaffed has meant that there are only 3 days left to locate him (being a homeless person) and have him brought to the hospital to be assessed for mental health.  In the meantime he is volatile and highly abusive to anyone he recognises - his tirades are always blaming everyone else for his problems, especially to anyone who has initially helped him and then they stop because they can't handle him anymore - its sick some of the things he says about us (his immediate family) and his extended family. He is so convincing that he mananges to manipulate people to 'feeling sorry' for him and then guilts them in to giving him money.  Those he approaches are thinking they are helping him - but it feels like any help is perpetuating his behaviour.  

If he doesn't get assessed under this order, I fear that he is lost to the streets and will continue to harm others around him with his abuse and his profanity.  If he does get assessed under this order - where does that leave him? I am assuming that they admit him to a psychiatric ward and medicate him.  I assume that they attempt to diagnose his mental health and then put him on medication to regular his irratic behaviour?  I assume that all will be well again once this process is done?

Why do I want to help him?  Do I feel sorry for him - maybe its more because I am feelilng so embarrased by his behaviour - is that so selfish of me to think this?  I am angry at him, but I can't just leave him destroy what small speck of hope he has at 'living'.. Whats on the other side for him, treatment, a job - I really dont feel like he has any hope.  Why am I bothering and why doesn't he give a damn about his current situation - can't he realise what he is doing?  Why doesn't he stop?  Isn't he tired?  Can't you just wake up my brother and see you are hurting yourself? Please stop.  

As I type all of this I just keep thinking of reasons for this situation - is it actually a genetic thing? Situational? Environmental?  What don't I know about you my brother that has caused your life to be like this?  

I am new to all of this and not even sure if I am realistic in my approach, but I've got to try something - but will it work? 

I know I havn't given you any advise, just wanted to share my story too - as I do feel alone in this and I'm not sure that I know how to fix this.

[Appleblossom]

@Hills

My mother endured violent flare ups for about 15 years before she took out the intervention order .. She was almost the same size as my brother. If there is an order in place the police are legally obliged to attend.

However I was upset that she refused to attend counselling with him or my sister when it all began ... because she did not want to have to admit we had been wards of the state.

Your situation is different ... do you know when he is simply being an obnoxious baby dragon ... or when he is under the influence ... pupil size ... slurred speech ... loud laughing conpanions ...wonky gait???

Dont push him when he is ...once they cross a line of violence then it gets harder and harder to come back as a loved family member ... and they harden the wall of words and excuses.

I would discuss legal options with both husband and son ... not as threats or ultimatums ... but as possibilities ... just so they are aware ... and it does not come down too heavily and spark a negative reaction.

To some extent young men have to prove themselves .. but not at your expense .. they need to do it .. in the world.

 Hello @winap76 Your story is tragic ... I guess you know the procedures but it still is heart rending. You can slao start a new thread "discussion" and post more about your own circumstances if you wish.

Go gently with yourselves and take care.

[Untethered]

Running away, a fantasy of mine, I have developed a few problems myself and the burden of long term care and medical expenses make me feel like im being crushed .. im currently exploring options for myself, but the mum in me always puts my daughters needs (and everybody elses) above my own, like you I can;t find the balance between caring for my daughter and looking after myself, my daughte thank goodness is now stable,no more violence and aggression, but she is flat, apathetic and like your son after droppig out of school a couple of years ago is having trouble finding work and moving on, still psychiatrists and pyschologists and another dbt program starting, but no actual progress that I feel is tangible or measurable or that makes any difference to me, sounds selfish but im very very tired,, sorry, my point was going to be that as a mum and as a carer it is essential to look after yourself, if anyone knows how to do that without feeling like you are abandoning your child (who is almost 19) please let me know.

[pip]

Hi Untethered. The saddest thing with any kid is, they need us, but don't WANT us unless they call. I would suggest you let your daughter know you have to take care of you so you can continue to be there for her. Try gently to get her to make friends of her own. Does she have a close friend (you trust), who could invite her out occasionally. Perhaps suggest she has a small party and invite some friends over. That way, she could start interacting with her own age group, regain her confidence. When I say a small party, I'm talking maybe 6 or 7 people she feels comfortable with. Give her space if she can invite someone over.

[Hills]

@Untethered you nailed it...all the feelings. I'm exhausted by the one step forward, two steps back dance we have going. My sons siblings are giving me a hard time too - they can't understand that the love (and responsibility) exists even when everything else has been diminished. Ironically when I do make appointments for myself, often my plans for a peaceful day are dashed because my son needs my help to do something positive: get to a job etc. (@pip, you are so right) I laugh about it all as much as I can, but sometimes I'm a little too fragile to get there. He apologised for the flashpoint he had that sparked my original post, and he qualified it too, telling me I need to read his signals and back off. So that's a tiny bit of progress, right?
Anyway, I wish you all the best untethered, I'm right there too...we can run away together in our dreams and go have a coffee 😉

[Tiggeroo]

Hey @Untethered, 

im sending you some massive hugs... 

I dont have children but my partner was in his early 20's when i suggested he was showing signs of bipolar, through his diagnosis journey we confirmed with his mother he had been showing signs since his early teens and she just lived with his behaviour much to the detriment of her own wellbeing.

I read in your last comment that he self identified his trigger... this is a HUGE step! learning to identify when things arent going well is a big step and it is hard to do "in the moment". Our psych suggested a colour rating system (which admittedly didnt work in its intended form for us, but we still use our own modified version to this day!). What we do is (on a good day) we identified colours and how we could use them as a traffic light warning system. It helped me more than him to help with modifying my behaviour or our environment to calm him. So for example, if i am pushing to hard and he is becoming aggitated he tells me orange, this means we can keep talking but i need to be gentler in my approach, if he cannot continue talking he says red, and i walk away and leave him to calm down (when he was younger he would become violent so this was designed to protect me not him). if we are out in a social setting and he isnt coping, he will tell me yellow, and i make an excuse for us to steal some alone time togther (for ages i pretended to smoke so we could get away outside and he could regroup). Originally there were lots of colours, but he didnt find that he needed a colour to tell me he was sad or angry, he could just tell me. we still use yellow and orange to this day, it is a good way for him to pause our interactions without exploding at me. 

it is worth a try if you can catch him on a good day to make the agreement about what colours will be used and what behaviour that will evoke from you.  

Tigs

xx

[lindabar]

The hardest thing I ever did as a mum was give my then 18 year old daughter an ultimatum. Our family life had been destroyed by outbursts and anger. Treading on eggshells. Drugs were not a part of her problem but she needed help and refused. One evening after another outburst and things being broken I just sat there in tears and said she was not welcome home anymore until she got help. She walked out vowing never to return. It took everything in my heart to not stop her. But later that evening she called and asked if I meant it. Yes was my reply to which she cried and said she didn't want to be alone. My condition was we saw the GP and a referral. That's what she did. Finally diagnosed with bipolar. I'm not saying that has fixed everything but I had to do something to protect the rest of my family. Hope you find the strength

[Hills]

@lindabar thank you for sharing this - yours is a particularly pertinent story as I think it's our next step if my son repeats the event that got me to this forum. I've managed to get him to the GP and get that referral, but he's refused to act on it. If/when he becomes escalated again my next step will be to tell him he must use the referral to be here. It's empowering to hear that you were successful with this, because it feels pretty scary to hand out that ultimatum and yet I know it's the best thing for all concerned. thanks again, you sound like a very loving and strong parent, and I'm sure you are everything your daughter needs. X

[lindabar]

It was hard. 9 years on with ups and downs and continued support she has managed to get a degree and has travelled and has been working. This year has been tough and she has been unwell again but is moving slowly forward. The one thing I learned is that sometimes as a parent we have to make hard choices. It was a gamble I took

[Hills]

I can't believe it's a year on. After a bad year, with many GPs (all idiots apparently) a psych appointment (waste of time apparently) and threats of suicide, he lost the plot, I called 000 and he has been scheduled, with all and sundry witnessing a very obvious psychosis. However, he won't nominate either his father or I as his carers (chose 18 yr old mates instead) so no one will give us information. And as well as the grief I'm feeling I've got no idea what happens next.