Lived Experience Forum

[Doc_Gonzo]

I left work early today because I was physically shaking so hard that I couldn't control it. I am usually always able to manage my tremors with very little effort, so much so that no one would ever know that I shake. Today however I couldn't stop and it was so bad that I had to leave for fear of being 'caught'. I spoke breifly with my team leader and refused to speak about certain things in detail and I expressed my reasons for not wishing to speak openly as being in fear of reprimand.

To speak honestly and open leads to judgment and blame where I work, there is no way around this. My supervisor asked if this was something that needed to go to HR and I declined citing several examples fro other staff members where this blew up in their face and they were the ones who were placed on 'probationary behavioural bonds' ( I shit you not!), because apparently you can't criticise management, however they can say and do what they want.

There were several things said during my interview for another position within the org that I work for that essentially called me out for 'being a risk', because I am not doing enough to take care of myself. I spoke of this in my first post about what they put in writing and what they are not prepared to do to enable me to do this. I can't quit because the waiting list for applying for centrelink benefits is 8 weeks if you quit, regardless of the reasons.

I just have to try and ride this out as best I can and hope that something pops up in the near future. I have never been in a place where I feel so ill-equipped to manage my own mental health and I am finding it very frightening. I have infomred my psychologist of what is going on and have made an appointment with my GP.

I guess I will have to play this mintue by minute.

[utopia]

@Doc_Gonzo. It's near impossible to look after your mental health when you are working in such a toxic environment. I'm sorry you are experiencing this.
Chat with your gp or a social worker at centrelink about your health. There may be something they can do.
Don't give up on putting your health first.

[Appleblossom]

Hi @Doc_Gonzo

It was good to see your familiar profile.  It has been ages since you posted here.  I am glad you have had study and work ... and that you are one of the good guys.

My main purpose in joining this forum as been to prevent suicide and raise awareness. I am sorry to hear about the passing of your client.  That has to effect you .. and people in general.  It is right and proper that it does, but please dont take it personally. Dont let them scapegoat you.  I believe you put in best effort.

I am upset that your workplace is so toxic and hipocritical.  Pressing lips together as I type. I know its not just the churches.   It is something about power, the bad side of human nature in groups and big organisations, over indulgence, and complacency of those in positions of power.

I still have some unresolved issues with a lady in authority in a  well named MH workplace .. from a choir a year ago ..who might have to face up to the fact I am still around .. in the next few weeks .. we will see what happens .. but it was obvious to me that she was in it for the money .. re standard of clothes real estate and frequency of travel lifestyle ... hmm ...

but I do aim to be taken seriously ... when pushed aside .. I may not fight at the time .. but I dust myself down and get up again .. with yet another story .. to fire me up.

I am sorry you had such a hard time at work.  You would feel pressured all around seeing people struggling and in lower socieconomic situatiions .. from community housing envirnoment .. to your clients ("people I work with" LOVE THAT you apply that phrase so meaningfully.)

I am glad that you remembered to come and at least tell your story here so we .. and the part of the world that is interested can read it.

I am figuring you have been one of the "front guard" in the BATTLE against MENTAL ILLNESS.  Please keep looking after yourself and posting when relevant.  The only way to change things is to bring such situations to the light of day.

Shame on the unnamed organisation.

I gather that you are very experienced in self managing and self care .. and that it is not your lack .. in this situation .. 

On a slight tangent .. last weekend on my big concert gig .. chatted to a few people (including doctors) about workplace issues .. that were far from ideal .. including .. musical and community health workplaces.

YOU ARE NOT ALONE.  

That you have managed to get the study and work in the first place .. is testament to your diligence. 

Apple

[Former-Member]

hello @Appleblossom @Doc_Gonzo

I was happy to read that your already knew Doc, Appleblossom.

That would be of more comfort being heard by a familiar friend.

I am glad that you found him again, your words spoke of many things, I did pick up on that

yes Doc, we are listening, hearing about your hard efforts, you cannot do it all alone though

yes keep on but when you are in better health

please visit your doctor and take care of you

I know only too well, because I have been told the same

we believe in  you take care

[Doc_Gonzo]

I can't sleep, I hae bullying, harrasment and discrimination running through my mind. They are sitting in the room and claring at me asking me what am I going to do about them. My org's policies prohibit all of the above and the mental health act, the disability act (among a number of other pieces of legislation) prohibit the sort of tactics that are being applied.

Having the audacity of guilt tripping me for asking for an hour off each fortnight to see a therapist who is an essential part of my self care toolkit. By pointing out how unfair it is to other staff for me to be treated differently to them. Their own ploicies state that they openly accomodate any reasonable adjustments to working conditions for poeple with disabilities and take so much pride in this beleif that it is included in pretty much everything. The problem is the potential backlash on those whose feet are on the ground, these workers I respect a lot and there are many of them.

[utopia]

@Doc_Gonzo. Those policies are like Degrees hanging on the wall. They are just for bragging rights. Nothing more.

[Appleblossom]

@Doc_Gonzo I am online too late as usual .. but saw you post again. 

I just read a policy on disclosure and choice on IMCV website .. also some job ads. You are probably elsewhere ..  ...  find a way to get through this.

https://imvc.com.au

You probably already know that stuff .. but if we are told it is alright to disclose but it is not really .. then that message needs to get turned around .. or there should be accountability.

[Phoenix_Rising]

@Doc_Gonzo I have absolutely no words of wisdom, but your dilemma is highlighting to me, my own dilemma. I have not yet shared this anywhere on the forums but...I have an honours degree in psychology. I had never really thought about going into practice, but seeing how many useless psychologists there are out there, I really think I could do better. Not because I'm some fluffy intuitive people person (I'm definitely not that!!!), but because I actually value evidence-based practice and I would work with clients to understand their presenting issues and then develop a case formulation and treatment plan based on the research. However, my own muddle is extremely big and right now I can't see how I could ever get through an internship or masters program, or work well in an organization without my own stuff coming up. I believe I could work well with clients, but I can very much see myself running into the same issues that you are facing in your organization. It is so frustrating! It almost seems like consumers are implicitly shut out of the profession, which might go some way to explaining why what most psychologists provide is a mismatch for what clients actually need. I have already had two workplace incidents which occurred in very low stress blue-collar roles. I know that I would need a lot of support to get through an internship and I can see that that support probably doesn't exist because as you describe, a lot of organisations tend to espouse one set of values and yet actually work according to an entirely different set. What you said about not being able to disclose to clients that you wouldn't be able to work with them long-term is apalling. Nope, I know I definitely couldn't handle that sort of working environment.

[utopia]

@Doc_Gonzo. All the best with todays interview. I hope the organization is a good fit with you and that they 'walk the talk'.

[Former-Member]

@Doc_Gonzo, I agree with @Phoenix_Rising, its 'appalling' what you've had to put up with let alone be productive within. So many ethical breeches. And why is it so hard to support staff (review practise & staff moral) rather than take zero accountability and brush you off - 'manage ya own mental health...' HOW RUDE! And in the 'caring' services. I know it well. I needed support coming back into nursing after a breakdown (months in hospital) but was abruptly told "sink or swim here" & "just do what ya paid for" Well, I dropped out, took up studies in different field but my limited fundsv& IT processions & moral support - I couldn't manage there either. so just to a bit of paid casual when it comes up and volunteer work. Mix of community service and shop assistance. A far cry from being an RN midwife.

Doc_Gonzo, do you have ANY support? If you were my son i'd suggest you defer and take a 6month break sittingbon the beach or at a health farm. You know ya burning out, and coming from someone whose lost it all - its not worth it, you are! But glad ya trying for a workplace shift. I hope they're better but seems to me its across the board. Have to build you external or personal friend support system and inner resources. I highly recommend mindfulness meditations (noticing without judgement), tai chi. swimming and Self-Compassion. All the best today. xox