Peer Group Chat // Our Values Compass // Thursday 25th January 2024, 7-8:30PM AEDT

[Former-Member]

I missed this Peer Group Chat!

Sounds like it was interesting @TideisTurning  and @amber22 🙂

I used to be quite rigid with values, and a little bit inconsiderate (read: unwilling to understand why) if someone didn't value my values... however, I realised that my values need to be flexible (within reason), which creates a value buffer zone (the value isn't 'damaged' by someone else not valuing that value), and a flexibility to relate to others' values which are different to my own.. kinda like an overlap, or fuzzy edges, instead of a solid line, or the old 'black and white'. 

In doing so, I realised that without fuzzy edges to my values, it meant that I would be less able to be flexible with other peoples values. 

I then thought, to save myself the angst of butting up against values that are different, and bouncing off, I could instead see how my values can fit with others values, and there is a more harmonious outcome. This doesn't always work, but in those instances, I can be relaxed and happy knowing I have thought through the decision, with objectivity and some compassion, all because I have fuzzy edges 🙂💜🌺

I hope that makes some kind of sense..? Please feel free to ask questions and I'll be happy to elaborate 🙂

[Glisten]

@Former-Member @amber22 @TideisTurning Likewise, I missed this gig. A pity because I have questions.

Are values the basis for boundaries?  For example:

If a man continues to say “Go my b!tches”, while you are watching the Australian Women’s Cricket team, even though you have asked him repeatedly not to, but he thinks it is funny and therefore continues.

Every Christmas having to listen to sister-in-law’s unbridled fascist, bigotry and blatant racism, even though she knows my daughter-in-law is Chinese, grandson is Eurasian, extended family is Maltese/Nigerian, friends are Muslim, Aboriginal, tangata whenua and LBGTQIA.
Her response “It is my house so I can say what I like.”

I felt like I was selling my soul, breaking bread with the KKK. Betraying who I am.

13 years of living with people like that was 13 years too long. Never doing that again.

G

[Former-Member]

Hey there @Glisten 🙂

Excellent point! Also very interested in exploring this along with you.

I am unsure whether values are the basis of boundaries, would be my short answer...however..

I have been around the unpleasantness of someone else having different values that do not align with my own (read: I have some people I know who are judgemental based on race, gender, age, etc), and in these instances I would become very adverse to staying in their company, and came away with a bad taste from the experience. 

However, I have had reason to be around them again and again (read: you cant pick your relatives 🙃), and I got kind of fed up with being offended, is what I could boil it down to, without having a say in the matter (read: trying to open up a new point of view got me shut down or disregarded). 

Because of this, I tried to approach my values differently... 

Sometimes, my values are rigid and act as a boundary, when it comes to situations I have some control over, or can contribute to changes in. For instance, I value not being discriminated against, and if someone does do that, I will inform them that I didn't think what they said/did was appropriate (like the old wolf-whistle; I would say "I personally find it distasteful and it renders you [the person who whistled] into a singular object in breach of my values [values here is being used as a boundary] and you being viewed by me as acting inappropriately - maybe reconsider how you want women to view you as, instead of something malodorous we sometimes find on the heel of our collective Louboutin's when you initiate communication in a method we do not find appropriate" ..said in much more direct, critically unmistakable language, which is NSFW so I put it very politely here).

Sometimes, my values are not boundaries, but just ethical positions I hold intrinsically, that inform the way I behave towards myself and other peeps (like when enjoying the company of those I havent chosen to spend time with, when they openly use terms to describe others that I do not and would never use...In this instance, I maintain my values intrinsically; choosing to dismiss their starkly differing values as inconsequential to my own, and something that can be observed, but ultimately disregarded for what it is: a tool of direct antagonism or a (IMHO) poor choice of method to vent frustrations in other areas of life - which isn't really a value at all.

Given that conclusion, there isn't any residual tension and they can govern themselves and how they like to present themselves and be seen by the world, and I will also do the same in my own way (with my own values). 

And I tend to keep in mind the old saying, regarding leading horses to water... 🙂

[Former-Member]

And I also want to kindly say @Glisten  that I am sorry you've experienced the kind of stuff... its not good nor nice, and I just wanted to softly acknowledge I have much empathy 💜🌺

[TideisTurning]

Awesome points everyone! 

@Hopefulsoul, I can definitely relate to this! For me, I had the saying 'treat others how you want to be treated' drilled into me growing up. is to the point where  I often get really confused when others are rude example, because  I go back to that 'treat others how you want to be treated', as rudeness doesn't seem to me like anything anyone would consciously want... In regard to your own values, I feel like you've made an interesting observation around reliability. I  really like the idea of extending that to others where it may be more reciprocal, to that 'inner circle' of people who matter most and are also reliable for you.  It is a boundary, and a really good one I think. 

@RiverSeal, I feel like in that's a super important reminder- 'When we lose control or have limited choices in our lives and can't do the things we want or need, we can still hold on to our values'. I'm really curious though about your idea of reframing values- could you give an example of when you think this might need to happen?  It sounds to me like what you're describing is compromising with our values depending on the situation, as @Former-Member has said, but I'd just like to make sure that I'm understanding you right 😊 

@chibam, what I was asking is whether you think the values you hold could also be used as an adjective to describe who you are as a person. For example, in my case, a core value of mine is inclusion, and 'inclusive' is also one of the things others might describe me as being.  From what you're saying, it sounds like your answer is yes. The natural gravitation toward or away from what an individual considers as right or wrong, I feel like might describe the idea we explored a little in the live chat about how values can act as a compass to guide us in terms of pulling us toward the direction of what we might consider 'right', and away from the direction we might consider 'wrong'.

 @Former-Member (love the forum name by the way!) I really like that idea of a ' value buffer zone'.  sounds like a way of compromising with values to a point, while still holding them for ourselves, which can be important in relationships with others whose values may differ more from our own. I feel like you've articulated it very well! 

Great question @Glisten! I feel like they could potentially be if we're thinking about boundaries as what you will or will not accept, what is okay and what is not okay, for example. Sometimes, it can also be about having a little flexibility, and in some ways 'choosing your battles', as @Former-Member has said.  So for myself, going with that line of thinking,  the boundary might come up when there is a  value violation directed at me or someone close and important to me, and that's when I might stand up about it. Also from what PinkFlamingo has said, I love the idea of values being kind of like an ethical position, where the focus might be on us and what we do or how we wish to be seen, guided by our values. A very cool way of thinking about it!

[chibam]

@TideisTurning  Yes, that's right. Frankly I don't think I've ever really considdered any other way of defining a person, so the question confused me a bit.

[RiverSeal]

Reframing your values is when you can't live to a value such as due to circumstances beyond your control. Before I stopped working in 2016 for 6 years, I used to have values of being a hard worker and dedication to my job and employment. When I was no longer working these values didn't serve me anymore and became a negative part of my life. So, I had to reframe them to me working on my recovery and dedication to myself to for things to change.

Also, I used to have close relationships with my friends before I got diagnosed with schizophrenia and then I found myself alone and isolated for many years. So, I could no longer have the values of respect and friendship because those relationships didn't exist anymore. So, I had to learn to support myself emotionally and fill the void of friendship with other things. I learned to do what I wanted and value my resourcefulness and imagination in supporting myself emotionally and creating connection to things other than people.

I guess the values never just disappeared from my life, but I no longer lived by the ones that didn't serve me. So, I reframed my approach, so I didn't feel I wasn't living up to my values and had space to grow and develop @TideisTurning.

I hope that makes sense!!

Take care 

RiverSeal

[TideisTurning]

thank you so much for sharing @RiverSeal. So not so much compromising as re-prioritising to place more importance and focus on different values depending on what life circumstances may allow at a particular time- that makes sense! 

All good @chibam 😊