I can’t cope

[Captain24]

1. I can see the dogs fluffy bed. It’s grey and soft and light. It has fluff all around it and has a blue soft check blanket in it. 
I can see the kitchen stool. It white fairly light and has the dog leads and harness on it. Plus the jacket I ordered for Pix that’s too small. 
I can see the tv. It’s got a thin black edge around it. It’s really heavy. I’ve paused the tv while I’m doing this and it has a picture of Kate Ritchie and John Wood in it. 

2. I can hear Jett chewing his treat in my ear. It’s really close and annoying! It sounds slobbery 

I can hear a car in the distance. It’s quite far away. It’s sounds like a ute something's. I can hear it revving. 
I can hear a cow mooing. It’s in the distance and a comforting kind of sound. 

3.My fingers as I type this. 
Wriggling my toes in my Ugg boots.

Rolling my shoulders to try and reduce some tension

@Ru-bee 

[Ru-bee]

Amazing work @Captain24 I hope this helped to ease things for you a bit.

I'm finishing up in a minute, but I'm really proud of all the work you've done to care for yourself today. I hope that when you get to bed you can let yourself rest, and maybe even have a sleep in if you need it

[Captain24]

Thanks for today @Ru-bee. I know I didn’t deserve it. But thank you 

[tyme]

 @Captain24 ! I saw the stairs! They are awesome! Is it plastic or wood? Upon observing the stairs, does that mean there is only one set height and you can't change it?

What'd you end up getting up to today?

I know you lazed around a bit yesterday. What about today?

[Captain24]

They are plastic and I can’t adjust them. @tyme They only just reach my bed but they are usable for her. 

I had my dietitian appointment and she validated me. She listened to how I was feeling and that the voice is so loud right now. That voice ran with the validation though. It’s a bit tough right now. I managed to make myself some dinner but now I feel sick. 

Im exhausted. I had a nap but it wasn’t enough. 

I didn’t get much done today and I’m pretty ashamed of myself. I only manage to pack the dishwasher, do a load of washing, do some grocery shopping and pack it away. I got rid of some rubbish in the kitchen. 

Im really not ok. But I tried. 

How are you? How did today go? 

[tyme]

I'm so glad to hear that your dietician validated you @Captain24 . That's so so important. 

I know how much you are trying, and how crappy things feel right now. It sounds so incredibly hard. I wish I could take the hurt away from you. 

I know you mentioned you made yourself something to eat, but now you don't feel the best. Do you think the food issue is the main issue in that you have these loud thoughts, which then affects your appetite and eating, which then makes you feel tired/fatigued, which then makes you feel crappy because you haven't accomplished much?

If so, I can say that I can relate to the above cycle - it's not easy at all.

And even though you probably didn't achieve as much as you'd like, you were still able to go to the dietician, as well as do some things around the house. Can we acknowledge that?

What do you have on tomorrow? Do you think if we come up with a list then we can sort of keep each other accountable?

It's Thursday, and I think I'm starting each day with less spoons. I have a presentation I'm giving tomorrow about inclusion. I reckon there will be about 50-80 people. So I think I can relax after giving the presentation. I still need to finalise it once I log off here tonight.

[Captain24]

Kinda like that @tyme. I’m just on a cycle that won’t stop. Also med withdrawal isn’t helping. It’s making things so much worse. I think that voice is what made me feel sick. She also wants me to increase my fluid intake but it’ll also increase my numbers so I’m not up for that. 

I was asked earlier if I was safe and my response was that I really don’t know. 

I can’t really acknowledge it as it just wasn’t enough. I didn’t clean my house. My appointment was Telehealth so I just threw a jumper on over my pj’s

Tomorrow I want to change my bed linen, bath the dogs and now clean the house. Plus clean the shower screen and have a shower and wash my hair and iron my work clothes. Do 2 loads of washing. 

Im exhausted just thinking about it. But I have to push myself to the limit so I can prove to you all that I’m being recovery focused. 

What’s on your list for tomorrow that you need an accountability buddy for? I’ll help

Whats happening to your spoons? Are you struggling a little? Are you not sleeping well still? 

That sounds so hard. I don’t know how you can get up in front of so many people. I’m in awe. I would love to go to one of your presentations. I think you would be really good. Of and of course it’s not finalised yet!!! 😜 

[tyme]

Yeah, I hear how hard it is for you. Sounds like there's just so many things in the mix of everything and it's sorta snowballing for you. I hope these med withdrawal issues ease soon.

Sounds like tomorrow, you have a fair few things to get done. I can certainly check in with you to see how you are going with your list.

I think I just need to get through this week. I'm not struggling, but at this moment, I'm learning to prioritise things. I see so many things that need doing, but I have to tell myself, "No, you can't do everything" and then step back. I think that's the main hurdle for now.

I think my spoons are diminshing as the week goes by because I'm staying up later and later and later. I'm so excited to get things done that I don't actually feel I need to sleep! And then I know - BANG! It'll all hit me soon. 

But really, it's not that bad.

And yeah, of course the preso is not finished. That's a 'this evening' job lol @Captain24 

What time do you usually wake up?

[Captain24]

I’ve got a few more weeks and then I’m off them. @tyme but I think I stuffed up and reduced it by double. I’m not sure, I can’t remember where I’m up to. It’s been a long time and I’m so close. 

Dinner and feeling sick has pushed me way over the edge. 

Check in would be good please. It holds me accountable and it’ll prove to you how much I’m trying. 

I’m glad you are looking after yourself and know what you can and can’t do. Telling yourself that you can’t do it all is a good step. 

I see how engrossed you get into things. It’s great that you get so excited about things. But yes.. the lack of sleep will hit eventually! Just be ready for it. Hopefully you have an easier week ahead. I also hope the preso doesn’t take to much time tonight. 

I usually wake up between 7 and 8. I get up but sometimes I go back to bed. I think tomorrow I will just listen to my body. Just as long as I have the dogs bathed before lunch. Before it gets too cold. 

What time do you get up? 

[tyme]

That's one big confusion! It takes more cognitive load to know where you are up to with you meds then it does to work! Argghhhh! I have a blister pack, and I still get it wrong. I can only imagine how confusing it is for you!

But then again, I feel you are much more organised than me lol.

And yes, tomorrow, I can certainly check-in with you. It'd be good to bounce things off each other.

As for waking up, at the moment, I'm sleeping around 2-3am, but I'm waking around 5:30-6:30am... I really need to sort out this sleep pattern lol. 

For example, right now, I'm totally bouncing off walls and I've go so much in my head that I want to do... then I stay up, and in the morning, I make myself get up to do things. I don't want to fall into the habit of sleeping in the day and waking at night, so I have to make myself keep a bit of normality.

I can't wait until daylight savings. I love having longer days so I can go out for walks and do more things. 

For me, at this stage in my recovery, I ask, "Why can't we have more hours in a day?" but I can certainly say it used to be very very different.

Yikes! It's already 9:30pm! I'm sooo behind!

If I don't respond, it's because I'm catching my tail, so please rest up and I'll catch you tomorrow. @Captain24