I can’t cope

[tyme]

So are you saying you have to write everything down too? @Captain24  I've been getting very concerned and upset at my lack of being able to remember things. So maybe it's not just me?

I'm not on at all tomorrow. But I might just hop on the computer.. which may lead to me hopping on here... which may lead to me posting... but no, I'm officially not working tomrorow.

Um... Sunday? I actually don't even know yet. I'll let you know when I know. I just know I'm here Friday. One day at a time.... that's all my brain can manage.

I remember with my psych, for a long time, we did face to face, then we moved to phone, then to zoom.. it was so weird each time and I had to get used to the different medium each time. But the transition was strange.

[Captain24]

Everything! @tyme My memory is bad. It has been for a while. But I feel like my brain is a mess and I don’t like it and don’t know how to fix it. There is so much noise. It’s not even thoughts. As my psych put it ‘it’s not language’ I can’t switch it off. I’m having trouble going to sleep cause I can’t switch off. I don’t know if that makes sense. I have an app with my Pdoc in a couple of weeks so if I get time I’ll mention it. Plus I’ve been getting lightheaded as well so that’s not helping. That could be the meds dropping my blood pressure though. 

You can’t help yourself can you 😜 

It’ll be different but a good different I think. I won’t see her in person again for a while as my next appointment will be Telehealth and after that she is away for 8 weeks. 

I don’t know how you do one day at a time. I’m stressing as I don’t have lists written for the next few days. I have so much I want to do but I feel like my mind and body are saying to stop. I don’t know whether to push or listen to my body. 

[tyme]

I tend to have so much for each day that I really don't have the capacity to know any more than the current day. 

And what I found is that with my role/s, anything pops up. I may have a whole week planned, but EVERYTHING gets turned on it's head.

Like today, I was planning to go on a training, but I went to visit this household and was caught up longer than expected so it was too late to go to the training. @Captain24 

Did I every tell you that I fostered 2 african kids may years ago? I know that's random and not really a good time to start a new convo... but yeah... (ADHD brain!)

[Captain24]

It’s so hard for you @tyme I don’t cope when things change so I don’t think I could be so fluid. I think you are doing well considering everything. 

My anxiety wouldn’t deal with not being able to go where I needed to go but also couldn’t leave someone in need. 

That is really random. How did you go with fostering? Did they speak English? We’ll have to come back to that. ADHD brain may forget

[Captain24]

It’s nearly 4 am and I’m awake. I’m trying so hard to go back to sleep. But I’m struggling. If I do t sleep I won’t function today. I need to function. I have too much to do. 

[Captain24]

So I’m feeling really useless and like a failure today. 

I got up this morning, did a load of washing, cleaned the kitchen and unpacked the dishwasher and quickly sorted out one of the spare rooms. I looked at the harder jobs and just went back to bed. I just can’t do it, can’t function, my body can’t, my mind can’t. 

Such a failure and so useless 

[rav3n]

hey @Captain24, firstly - great work on getting the washing, kitchen, dishwasher and spare room sorted! that's already a huge start and if i had done that, i'd be quite tired by now so it makes a lot of sense that the harder jobs feel overwhelming to get started right now.

you're not a failure and you're not useless for feeling overwhelmed! you are human! if someone looked at the harder tasks and went 'yep i have lots of energy to get this done' that would shock me more. 

what would be helpful for you right now? would it be better to take a pause and rest/nap? or maybe work on some smaller/easier tasks for today? or maybe we can work together to break one of the harder tasks down so that its split into small doable parts? those are just some ideas, let me know what feels best for you. 

[Captain24]

I’ve spent all morning in bed after doing the stuff first thing. I’m just exhausted @rav3n 

I have to clean out the walk-in it’s been hanging over my head for days. I have to dust the lounge room and clean the windows including the sliding back door. I have to iron and pack my clothes and clean out and take my car to the car wash. I wanted the inside of my house done before I went away. I’ve just seemed to have lost my mojo that I’ve had for the past 2 weeks.

Maybe ironing and packing could be a start and then that’s ready to go. Do you think that’s a good idea? Can you be my accountability buddy please? tymes not around today. We’ve been helping each other out. 

[rav3n]

yesss @Captain24 i'd be happy to be your accountability buddy! that sounds like a great place to start. 

okay so the goal is:

• ironing
• packing clothes

i'm here till 6 so i'll check in with you before that. feel free to keep updating me as well. i have a write-up that i'd like to get done by then too - maybe you can hold me accountable to that as well?

[Captain24]

Thanks @rav3n. It’s the people pleaser in me that makes it work. 

I’ve done the ironing and now I’m trying to pack. It’s hard to know what to wear as the weather is so different down there. I object to jeans and joggers but we are doing a big walk if it’s not raining and I have no activewear that fits! 

Please write your list if that will help. I feel it helps so much when someone is ‘watching’.