I can’t cope

[Captain24]

Hey @tyme 

I just got home. 

how are you doing? 

[tyme]

I'm not bad. Hope you're okay @Captain24 

How'd you go with work yesterday and today? I missed you yesterday too.

[Captain24]

I’m ok @tyme. Really struggling with not smoking. It’s been 28 hours without one and it’s all I think about. Yesterday I had 3 at work. I’m talking it’s bad. It hurts and I’m really miserable. 

My period still hasn’t arrived so I may got through the whole pms and not even get it.

Work went ok. Having a rough sleep was hard. I got up easily though. The days went quickly enough. It was good to not have the noise in my head. I did even try to do small talk. I was nice and considerate and asked a guy about his son that is really unwell. I nearly cried when he updated us about him. I had to hold it in. 

I did notice you were missing. 

[tyme]

So much in a day @Captain24 .

I read you are hanging on. I believe in you. The first few days are the hardest hardest. You've done 28 hours already. I believe in you. 

Do you use patches or gum? Does that help?

As for not having the 'noise', that's pretty amazing. I can only imagine how tiring it must've been for you with that constant noise. 

I just want to say well done for making it through the last two days. It must've been a BIG shift since having 4 weeks off!

I'm gald you were able to talk to that guy. It must've meant a lot to him.

[Captain24]

I’m just doing it on my own @tyme. No support no replacement. Sorry I know this isn’t really SANE related. I really don’t think I can do it though. Mentally it’s bringing me undone. 

It is exhausting. I really struggle with the noise from both, as it turns out. I also have conversations in my head to try and lessen some of the noise but it creates more. It’s kinda stuff that I said wrong and relive that moment with what I should have said. Or thinking some one might ask a question and I answer it knowing it’ll never happen. Really weird stuff that I have never told anyone. Not even written down. 

So anyway, the meds are reducing the noise and I’m feeling calm, turns out I’ve never felt calm before. It’s a weird feeling. I just wish that I wasn’t dealing with other stuff as it does feel good. 

It has been a big change. I’ve just realised that I’ve been around people for two days which is probably a part of my mood. 

He was updating 6 of us. We all had questions and his rehab and his prognosis. He showed us the MRI of his brain and it looks like something that they would show on tv. It was really heart breaking and heart warming at the same time. It was his last day of work until after Christmas so I want know anything more until he gets back. I wished him all the best. 

[tyme]

Poor fellow. Sounds heartbreaking @Captain24 I'm glad you could be there for him.

Also, what doi you mean by not 'SANE related'? The smoking? If so, just know others have used this platform to work on changes with smoking. 

As for the change in the noise. It reminds me that we all don't know what 'normal' is until we've felt is. Sometimes, we are just so used to it that we don't know any better. It's only when we lose something we have that we feel it so much more. 

Are you working tomorrow too? 

[Captain24]

Yeah. The smoking is an addiction and my fault so I didn’t think I was SANE related. It’s my own fault that I’m suffering. I’ll probably go through this for nothing as I’m probably not strong enough. 

You only know your own normal. It’s not until you talk to others that you realise that there is a difference. That’s what my psych was saying. I am the same person just understand my quirks more. 

I work the next 3 nights. So I won’t be around. I’ll be back Monday. I’ll check when I get home in the mornings and may pop in if I have time before work. So ill see any posts and respond in the mornings

[tyme]

Addiction is a real thing. I've had my own addictions and it's damn hard to shake @Captain24 ! So yeah, a bit of reframing around 'my fault' might help get you further. It doesn't mean you are 'bad' or 'faulty'. 

You CAN do it!

3 more shifts.. so you're righ bang in the middle. I'll just msg when I'm on and you can respond whenever. No pressure.

[Captain24]

I probs shouldn’t have said anything. If I fail you will know. @tyme. Mostly when I try I don’t say anything. Not sure my MH can withstand it. 

Yep it’s the middle but the 2 days have gone quick so I’m hoping the nights will too. But I think I’ll be on a shorter run so the clock could be really slow! I’m hoping that by less noise it could be the reason my days were easier. 

That would be nice. It’s nice to know that I’m thought of when not around. It actually means a lot.

I have a massive issue with rejection, like I’m talking complete meltdown, which apparently is not normal! I read too much into things. I actually don’t know where I was going with that. 🤷‍♀️ blame the adhd! I can use that now! 😜 

[tyme]

Rejection? Remember, you're talking to a CPD queen which mean rejection/abandonment is top of the list!

I don't know how or why, but the mentalisation based therapy I did really worked to change things. I seem to have flipped the other way and don't even really care anymore. If people leave me - good riddance!

In the past, if you typed a message to me with a full stop at the end, I'd see it as a sign or rejection. If I saw you close the door, it was a sign of rejection. If you didn't smile at me, it was a sign of rejection... 

So yeah... I know all about it!

@Captain24 

It can also stem from trauma... trauma causes a person to be in fight/flight which means they are looking for evidence of 'rejection' as a way to be prepared and look after themselves.