I can’t cope

[Jynx]

@Captain24 well... I think we may be not on the same wavelength then because I don't recall expressing anything that would indicate that I don't want to talk to you anymore. Maybe it's worth re-reading? Or you can tell me what it is you believe I expressed and I can help you connect the dots to my actual meaning. I don't think I expressed a lotta feelings, what I did was express a boundary. I do so with all my relationships regardless of their context. I don't really bother with expressing boundaries to people I don't respect so... think of that what you will 😉

Besides, the team is always gonna be here for you, myself included. You're part of the forums fam too, and whether that lil voice lets you believe me or not, we'll always do our best to support and connect with you whenever you need. It's why we're here 💜 

Anyway, that kind of bed day is legit still valid hun - your body probably needed the rest! 

How are the doggos now? Been getting up in your bizz?

Thanks hun 😊

[Captain24]

It’s ok @Jynx. I was really hurt and I thought our relationship was over but I don’t want to rehash it. Thanks for respecting me.

I don’t post on here anymore just respond very carefully though. How I’m feeling doesn’t really matter. The last email was about banning me. 

Ove got a really bad cold and did nightshifts with it so I guess that’s why I needed the sleep. Plus I’ve got a bit of medical stuff going on and Im little stressed about some of it. I just want answers and I want them now. 

The doogo’s are good. Jett keeps getting in my face and licking me. He misses me while I’m working. Pix keeps smooching too. I’m feeling the love. 

I don’t know what I did during the night but Jett pounced on me and licked my face with his tail wagging and Pix sat up and looked at me. 

[Jynx]

@Captain24 sure thing hun. 

I know it can be scary to receive an email like that - and funky traumatised ickle brainy brains like ours that are super sensitive to rejection can definitely see an email like that and take it as an indication of personal failings and a sense of letting others down. 

I want you to know that we can see you trying, and we really wanna help; we are on your side. If you're ever in doubt about whether you can post something, you can always ask yourself a few little check ins -

- Can the community see from this post that I am safe? 

- Have I let the community know what I need? (You can always just say 'I am venting to get this off my chest')

- If this is a vent, how do I ensure it remains as a vent and doesn't tilt into rumination? (I know this one in particular can be tricky; a hot lil tip is to talk about how you feel after having written the post - e.g. 'Wow that was a lot, but I am glad I got it off my chest')

I really don't want you to go through the stress of an account pause, so I hope this is helpful. 

Anyway, I am really sorry to hear you're unwell, and medical issues with no answers are SO STRESSFUL omg I feeeeel that. I hope you're not in too much pain or anything 🥺

Maybe you were having a nightmare and Jett wanted to attack whatever spectres were haunting you!! Hehe aww bless, love it when they're all smoochy. Razz is literally yelling at me for attention as I'm typing this hehe awwww we love our furry buds!! 😍💜

[Captain24]

Yeah. I didn’t take it well @Jynx. All this was going in while everything else was. Last Sunday night was really traumatising on and off the forums. I guess it explains now why I felt I wasn’t wanted. Maybe should have said something then but I was scared to get into more trouble. 

I am listening but even when I try I still get it wrong so I feel it’s safer for me to just keep everything bottled inside. That way I can’t make a mistake and get banned. 

Nah. No pain just waiting on a gynaecologist appointment, waiting on a bowel cancer screening test to arrive, started on vitamin d supplements waiting to start on iron supplements but I need to do the test first. Of the test doesn’t show anything then I have to have a colonoscopy to find out why all of a sudden I’m low in iron. But maybe the gynaecologist can help with his side of things and that may explain the iron deficiency. So all this stuff but no answers. I think that’s why my cold isn’t getting better. Too much in my mind. 

I don’t know what it was but it woke me up pretty quickly! He has never done that before during the night. 

I’ve not long gotten out of bed. I got up to feed the dogs lunch and then went back to bed. I’ve got to go out to dinner tonight so I better stay out of bed. Zero motivation and zero energy. 

I hope you have Razz some attention! 

[Jynx]

@Captain24 legit hun, I definitely saw how impacted you were. It was rough, but I am glad you persevered.

Honestly, I just want you to do what you think is best for you. If that's gonna be less stressful, then by all means - I trust you to find and build the kind of support network that is right for your recovery needs.

Oh wow, yeah that is definitely a test result you wanna hear ASAP. I hope that you get answers soon, and that it leads to good treatment and a healthier Cap overall! My digits all crossed for ya 🤞

Ooh where you off to tonight? 

I sure did hehe and a treato too!

[Captain24]

I don’t feel comfortable telling anyone how I feel. Not even my Pdoc tomorrow @Jynx. I need to keep it all to myself. I just don’t feel safe to share

I just have to wait and see. That’s what I mean about no answers at the moment. Everything is based on what the next thing brings. The thing I want the most is a gynaecologist appointment. Just so I know that that is in progress and wait and see what is next with that. 

Just going to the pub for dinner. It’s dad’s birthday. It’ll be so busy as there is so many people in town. Mum booked it 2 weeks ago and there was only 2 tables left. 

Aaahhh.. a treat they would have loved that. I’m about to give mine dinner. 

[Jynx]

@Captain24 feeling safe when we open up is important hun. No one else can tell you how to walk the path of recovery. 

The waiting is the WORST hey. is it hard to get a gyno appt where you are? 

Ugh, hate that! Cos I can never hear people talk to me in a crowded pub, lol. Do you have loops or ear plugs or anything? 

[tyme]

Aloha @Captain24 ,

Feeling better? I know you said you had a bed day yesterday. I'm having grumpy days so I'm staying away from my sis... we're just arguing over stupid things. Joys of homronal changes in the month? And I'm wary of it!

What'd you do today?

Are yo back from the dinner yet? Hope it was okay.

[Captain24]

I think I’m too scared without my psych around and I feel like if I’m open it just causes dramas. It’s not helping myself I know @Jynx 

I don’t know how long it takes. Never seen one before. I’m hoping they call me tomorrow or Tuesday otherwise I’ll be back at work. Im hoping it’s not a long wait. I want it sorted. I was warned by my GP not to take any form of hormones until I’ve been. We’re trying to sort out this stupid perimenopause bullshit. But then the trouble with my periods could be the polyp. Who knows

There was lots of people and the noise was too much. We couldn’t hear each other talk. Which was probably a good thing. 

[Captain24]

Hey @tyme 

Not really. I spent most of today in bed. I got up to give the dogs lunch and went back to bed. 

Oh.. still grumpy. It’s horrible having a uterus! I’m wondering if that’s why I feel so down. But I never know when they are coming. 

I just got home from dinner and then cake at mums. They are niggiling at each other and I just don’t want to deal with it. Dad was on the phone to my brother and mum just kept making a lot of noise. Like dragging the metal dish drainer across the metal sink. She can’t have anything not about her. Then she was telling me how my auntie wants her to organise something. It was me that told mum that my auntie wants me to do it. She forgets who knows what and makes it all about her.

The coffee I was suppose to go to tomorrow has been cancelled. I’m a little happy about that! 

How was your day?