Lived Experience Forum

[Powderfinger]

The more I get involved with new things, there are times when I feel like I'm losing myself. I usually have no issues in expressing myself, I just feel bogged down at times. I'm open to constructive criticism, it's just that I'd rather be asked then told to do something. Have a conversation with me instead of telling me what to do. n my effort to growand learn new things at 41 years of age, yeah it is extremely annoying when you are told what to and not asked why you have done something in a certain way. I got caught up.in this recently and forgot all about what I originally had in my vision. I feel like that has been completely overlooked. 

Ive gone back into retreat mode. Everything just feels so heavy at the moment and I feel so overwhelmed with everything. It's taking me ages to make decisions as there is so much unravelling to do. I feel incredibly lost and at the moment not interested in much. 

[Ici]

@Powderfinger  I know exactly what you mean, I can give you a few tips my psychs have given me over the years about keeping goals in sight, I will if you ask. The feeling I got from your message though is more like you need touchstones to ground yourself. Small things about your person you can look at and touch that remind you who you are and what matters to you. Example - my keys, I as a rule have maybe 2 keys but they hang from 3 key chains, a leather rose to remind me of my best friend who passed but showed me I was worth the time and love of others, a replica of a throwing axe to remind me to stand up for myself and sometimes it is OK to let it out (safely at a throwing range of course - lumber punks is awesome if you are in Perth) and a cowhide heart, a gift from a friend who recognises the country in my city girl image and sees my heart. Touchstones I have everyday. Maybe you need something similar, something you keep close to remind you how far you've come, who you are and where you want to go.

[Ici]

Oh and on an entirely practical note, speak to your instructor and explain you have an anxiety disorder and have discovered you learn easier  and the wisdom stays longer when asked and interacted with instead of informed and expected of.

[Powderfinger]

@Ici 

Thank you for sharing your tips. I'm not ready to try implement them. The recent split with my ex was just 8 days ago. In this relationship, my self esteem and self worth have been completely ripped to shreds. 

So much so I can't even say I was a good partner, even though I know I was. I'm just down do low. I'm even at the point where I just wait for someone to say, there must be a reason she is not with you anymore. She ripped apart all the good things about me and has it so twisted up to the point it resembles someone that I don't even recognise. 

I no longer speak to her. She did not see my worth and still doesn't. I don't care if she never does. I'm breaking that connection more. It's already gone. I'm tired of being broken down. I'm tired of everything. Everything I did for her, for us, for our relationship, she was only ever intent on destroying it by twisting everything. I was never seen for me. 

I've completely shut off my heart. Sometimes it's necessary to try get through life. I truly just don't give a damn about others right now. I've done so all my life, time and time again, no one gave a damn about me. So, I'm done. The only person I want to do is me. People will just need to suck it up. 

[Ici]

@Powderfinger 

Good for you!! Walking away from toxic relationships is incredibly difficult and that you are firmly in that place now is wonderful. I understand wanting to wait to find touchstones as you are becoming a new version of yourself, perhaps though keep an eye out for something that to you represents new beginnings, healthy priorities or building something new from the remnantsof old. Symbolically a phoenix would probably suit you very well 😊 I don't know you beyond 2 nights so it may not mean much but, I am proud of you for taking these steps on a difficult but important road.