Lived Experience Forum

[wellwellwellnez]

I like how this page collects my data. I've had so much counseling from so many unconnected sources. I'm the only one who can put the whole picture together. When I put the picture together, no can believe me (but don't take my word because "something's" wrong with me, so obviously mine is the only assessment is doesn't matter. I'm the only one with the data. The real-time data. If I write it here maybe I can show it to my next psych (if/when that happens).

My fingers are stuttering. I'm crying a bit when I notice, my finger's stutter. I need to get through this bit. I'm having an abandonment attack of sorts. I suspected this would happen again. I wanted to test my limits. I've been regulating this all my life but the spotlight on the blind-spot has really helped. Still everything has their limits.

Diagnosis IS the be all and end all for me right now. It isn't always, it wasn't for me before, but it is for me right now. Problem is I'm doing it my way again. Trauma came up in a session. I ran away because I didn't want to subject this person to what could of spilled out. That's not who I am. Not if I can help it. Which is a shame. Because that means its more likely to come up around someone that I love. I worry that I've become so clinical that I can't engage with the clinical relationship. I'm obsessed with earning their trust and admiration. I have to be better than they are, to be worthy of being helped by them. And that's hard, because I'm actually some sort of foooooooool, of some sort.

It's great getting a hold of my abandonment issues. Irony is not lost on me that I am also currently being abandoned in the process of trying to deal with them. And it's all everyone else's fault but actually all my fault, again.

Now I'm shopping around with 90% formed self-diagnosis and I do actively worry that the psychological community isn't interested. I'm trying to be an easy client. But maybe working with someone like me, on the terms I want to work on, poses too many risks and not enough incentives. I hope I'm wrong. If it does turn out like that, it would be crushing.

Still just a little kid begging to be seen. Trying not to dissapear. I don't want to dissapear again. Not like the way I have before.

[wellwellwellnez]

Ha. Well well. Turns out someone did get back to me and I just missed the email. Then, this morning I finally got through to the admin of the other people.

Turns out I was not as abandoned as I thought. I was just a bit due to vent and explore my feelings of abandonment. Now I just gotta work out who to trust with my case (in other words, now I get to sift through the detachment part of my attachment disease (It is my favourite part but I'll try to not let it go to my head (but yeah, in the near future I will have to abandon one of the people that tried to help me (maybe I don't like this part))).