Caring for an unwell partner

[TideisTurning]

I'm so sorry to hear of the impact of that experience @AFK. I am really glad to hear you did get a reply in the end, though again sorry for the impact of the delay. I can hear how disheartening and invalidating this has felt. I do want to encourage you to keep trying to reach out when you feel like you could use some support though, as difficult as I know that can be- there are people out there who care and want to provide support, and you are so deserving of receiving all of that.

As well as email, there are also webchat and phone call options for both HelpCentre and 1:1 Peer Support. Webchat can be more immediate/ in the moment and the book a call function can provide more of a guarantee you'll hear from someone- just in case that helps 😊
I will hold hope that you will be able to find the support you are looking for and deserving of. I also want to encourage you to reach out again if you don't get a reply to emails, just in case it may have been missed for whatever reason. Also to keep reaching out here as needed. If nowhere else, I hope you will find some care and support here on the Forums. 💖

[AFK]

Thanks, @TideisTurning . It's definitely been a disheartening experience. Funny how 40+ years of not being validated for anything can make someone a bit sensitive to the perception of it later... Trying to learn to give myself a break for feeling like I do about these things, I know there are good reasons for it. That alone can be hard.

Anyway, I did get that response in the end, and they told me much of the stuff you just did. I'll keep that information in mind for when I'm just a little less wrecked from work. I've come back from holidays (already dreading having to return), only to find things way more messed up than when I left. Workload has increased, and 2/3 of our experienced staff are suddenly gone for various reasons. Nightmare. My newly promoted manager is beside herself, poor thing. We totally needed more stress.

Thanks for reinforcing that idea that I deserve some help. Against the odds for people in my situation, I have always believed that I deserve validation and a little support (I don't even need much of it, just a nudge in the right direction sometimes), but life has consistently taught me that others don't think I deserve any of that. According to the ideas behind schema therapy, one develops coping strategies for early life experience (in my case, severe emotional neglect) that end up attracting the same sort of BS into your life over and over again. I tried working against that before I knew about schemas, but without detailed knowledge of what the problem was (no candle, no match), I wasn't really succeeding. Slowly working my way out of it only now after the damage is already pretty nasty, and I certainly have a lot more to learn  - i.e. still a lot of failures that back up my negative world view. Neat. Point being, I acknowledge and appreciate your encouragement to reach out here. And I acknowledge that my post here about failing to reach the Helpline was my limited and tentative push against the very powerful instinct to go to ground and stop trying. That counts, right?

AFK.

[AFK]

Partner is in hospital, they're trying to identify the cause of a significant drop in lung function. I got him settled in late last night. The hospital isn't close. Still exhausted from work and the long day yesterday driving all over the place and waiting for doctors. House is a disaster (he helps best with me around to remind/motivate him, so housework just doesn't get touched when I work too many days in a row), our plans to tackle it are of course out the window and I'm stuck with it on my own now around long commutes (with damn high petrol prices to worry about into the bargain). No food ready, I know I need to cook a big batch of something, I can't afford to order out constantly and the single emergency meal cook-up is nutritionally inadequate. Had to make a new batch of food for the birds today, so cooking energy for the day is gone. I'm so spent.

[tyme]

Dear @AFK ,

I'm so sorry to hear how challenging things are for you at the moment. There's no easy answer it seems.

I hope doctors find out the underlying cause of your partner's drop in lung function. 

"I'm so spent" - I felt this way earlier this week. Then yesterday, I had a revived energy to write a list. I was impressed that I'd completed every on the list by the time I turned in in the evening.

I tried the same thing today - write a list. I completed 3 out of 6 tasks. A little deflated, but I'm going to try again tomorrow.

I've come to the conclusion - I can only do what I can. 

Look after yourself @AFK . Maybe housework will have to wait a little longer.

Thinking of you,

tyme

[AFK]

Thanks @tyme. Definitely no easy answers. At this stage we still don't know the cause of his reduced lung function. Tests and more tests, and a bunch of waiting.

I always write a list - that's 100% necessary with ADHD, I don't just need to quantify what needs doing, I need reminders for every little damn thing and I need to check very regularly. On my bad days, like yesterday, it's a short list and kept as simple as possible. Make bird food, pay the bill that's due right now, eat some fruit. That was pretty much it, and I managed that much.

I hear you about the housework, but I admit I'm somewhat frustrated. Everyone tells me don't worry about the housework. But what are they defining as housework? I haven't touched the floors, or changed the sheets, or dusted, though it all badly needs doing. I know that stuff isn't required for survival, it can wait. But cooking is also housework. Dishes are housework. I can't cook, or put food on something, or pack away any leftovers without doing the dishes. Can I not cook? Well, if I don't cook I don't eat, and if I don't eat, I literally die. There's no getting out of cooking, and I am emphatically not up to it right now, it takes everything in me to manage it once, then before you know it the food is gone and I have to do it again. I don't have the money to just buy stuff all the time. When I say I'm spent, I mean just getting out of bed is so much harder than it should be. The need to cook is becoming a hurdle too great. I'm making something very simple now, and uncharacteristically in tears at the thought of how soon I'll have to do it again. My depression is starting to kick in. I am in a very unhealthy space right now. Trying to look after myself but very aware I am failing. 

[Former-Member]

Hi @AFK, it sounds like a pretty intense time, and I can empathise with struggling with preparing meals when it feels overwhelming. It sounds like you might already be doing something similar in preparing something "very simple," but likewise I find that anticipating that I might struggle with meals, and buying foods that are about instant to prepare, has been really helpful for me. For example, soups that can just be quickly microwaved, plus frozen meals or pre-made salads (particularly when on special as they're more expensive than making things from scratch). Also, asking for some help from someone like a neighbour or friend? Sending support 💗

[AFK]

Hi @Former-Member. Yes, a bit too intense for my liking. I'm in a bit of a spot with easy meals, as 4/5 of the protein I ordered in my last online shop didn't turn up. I don't really have time/energy for shopping and I'm uncertain of when I'll be home around hospital visits and if I'll get half of what I order in the first place. Glad you reminded me about pre-made salads, I had forgotten they are a thing. Unfortunately asking for help isn't really a thing in my world, or at least not with anything actually coming of it - never has been. The one person who actually ever helps me, in his limited capacity, is my partner. I'm sure you can see why that won't work at the moment.

The worrying thing is that where my ADHD typically makes me very good at handling stress, it's not happening this time. I am physically and emotionally not holding up. That, for me, is generally an indicator of something medically wrong, a vitamin deficiency or something. So that means now I have to manage somehow to deal with my own health stuff around everything else and with a significantly reduced capacity for any of it. Aargh!

Thanks for your support. 

[tyme]

Hugs @AFK ,

We all know you are doing the best you can. 

It sounds like you and your partner complement each other very well. Thus, he is good at some things, and you are good at other things. 

I hear things are so tough at the moment - you health and your partner's health. I hope you will be able to see to your own health and that things are okay. 

Waiting to hear from you,

tyme

[AFK]

Thanks for the hugs, @tyme.

Yeah, I'm doing the best I can. Never really feels good enough. For the most part my partner and I do complement each other very well. Unfortunately we do have some of the same deficiencies, most notably in executive function. I've been there longer and have a few strategies that sort of work (sometimes), so it always falls to me to get any household functioning happening - not exactly a role I am suited to, and even when I'm well it exhausts me. 

Still no answers about his health. I have a GP appointment, but not for a few days. Inevitably if things are going to come to the point of needing medical intervention, they will do so on a long week-end whereby access to anything useful is significantly diminished - i.e. things are moving slowly in the hospital for my partner, and meanwhile I can see a doctor sooner than I will be but I can't get blood tests so there's not really any point.

My next shift is looming. Thinking to call in sick, the stress there lately is out of hand and started me on the road to burn-out. I don't like my chances of holding up for another 11 hour day on one measly tea break. 

[tyme]

Sounds so tough @AFK .

I was thinking of you so I wanted to pop in here to see how you and your partner at going. Any news from the drs about your partner?

Take care of yourself. You can only do what you can.

tyme