6 months gone then... honey I'm home...

[Sharni-lea]

Can anyone relate or help share insights re this situation? Potentially bpd and or adhd and concussive syndrome at play.. 

Anytime is appreciated x

My partner  has not been home for 6 months since a huge first time split. She keeps telling me she's slowly feeling better. We see each other weekly and speak daily. Yesterday she packed her car and turned up and said 'honey I'm home' within any discussions. I said we needed to talk and what are her needs, how are we managing this so she doesn't up and leave again and i expressed my struggles as I don't know what of what she's said over 6 months is real verses not, what she actually feels and thinks. She then said she doesn't know and she thinks of leaving me but there's a pull back but she doesn't know if she wants to be with me or can feel love again for me like she used to and I deserve better but.... wtf why then is she home? I am so so confused. She cried and cried and said she's scared to leave amd make the wrong decision. That she knows she loves me and cares about me and leaving terrifies her but also doesn't know if she can be in love with me like she was. She's had 6 months away how can she not know? We have been together 12 Years. Any insights? Is this bpd pattern sounding? I have been so patient and supportive and am so confused. I'm happy to suggest her through anything but how can she come back not knowing if she wants us. Or is this a panic/ protective thing? She spent the night in bed asleep in out bed, yet hugging a teddy bear tightly, didn't kiss or hug me goodnight. Said she's coming home to see how she goes. I don't even know mu question, just feel so broken after 6 months of roller coasters already. What is this....

[lavenderhaze]

Hey @Sharni-lea,

I'm really sorry to hear about what you're going through with your partner. It sounds like a tough and confusing situation, and I can hear you're overwhelmed.

I can see that you care deeply about your partner and want to understand what's happening with her.

It'll be difficult to tell what's going on for your partner from just this post. Only health professionals can diagnose mental health disorders. But It's not uncommon for people to experience challenges in managing emotions and making decisions when faced with big life stuff.

I can also understand how frustrating this uncertainty might be for you. Do you have any professional supports in place? I think in times like these, it's very important that you're looking after yourself since there's only so much you can control.

Sitting with you ❤️

[Sharni-lea]

Yes she has psychology appts and i seen people via sane, unfortunately nothing so far has helped as i think there is so much to unpack. The psychiatrist started her on anti depressants and just called today and made a reoeat appt friday. It doesn't really help me understand though

[Jynx]

Hey @Sharni-lea just a lil tip, if you want other members to be notified that you've responded, you can tag them - use the @ symbol and a drop down will appear, and you can choose their name. If their name isn't there, you can type it out and it should then appear for you to select, and it will show up in blue, like this: @lavenderhaze 

It really does sound like there is an immense amount to unpack, and that can be super frustrating when you're looking for support, insights, and trying to understand. It sounds like you've been super patient and you're trying to be supportive and caring, but it's okay to also feel lost, hurt, and confused. It sounds like, whatever the diagnosis might be, that your partner has been through some relationship trauma. One option to consider might be to look into relationship counselling? There's a great organisation called Relationships Australia that offer counselling, as well as resources about healthy relationships, and some advocacy stuff too.

We've also got some Factsheets and Guides that you could have a read of - there's stuff about individual diagnoses as well as general info about complex mental health. A very helpful one that I hope you don't end up needing (but is still good to bookmark) is How to help in a crisis. 

Would she be okay with you maybe having a chat with her psychiatrist? If it's an option, anyway - just to ask some questions and talk a bit about what's been going on, to help you get a bit of insight? Food for thought anyway. And seeking a psychologist or counsellor of your own is also super valid, and could be very helpful in navigating it all, in understanding your own feelings better, and ensuring that you have a safe space of your own. 

[Sharni-lea]

The psychiatrist said BPD and post concussive syndrome further affecting impulse control and moods. We have to wait 2 months for a concussion neurologist. I'm trying so hard to remember these behaviours are not able me but it tears me into pieces. She has gone again, she lasted at home for less then 48 hrs and was in a huge panic state for no reason, she admits its irrational, yet still caused her to leave again  😞 @Jynx 

[Jasper_123]

Hi @Sharni-lea - From the sounds of things (to me, a person with BPD) I don't think this behaviour is typically BPD. I am not qualified to diagnose others but 6 months is a long time to have left for a person with severe attachment issues. 

Why did she move out in the first place? 
I don't think you should let her just move back in without any consultation or discussion of boundaries. I also cannot imagine being told that somebody doesn't know if they want to be with me. Where was she living for those 6 months?