Frustrated as Hell

[miniACDC]

Knowing something doesn't make a difference.

I have been ( maybe still am!)

In a relationship for the past 21 months.

Amazing Lady and from time to time we talk about anything and everything that comes to mind.

I have older kids and she still has younger ones that she has every other week.

I moved almost next door to her ( which could have been a mistake on my part).

She likes her own space and i love to be around her as much as I can, however I learned to respect her time and space.

We have talked about wanting to build something for the long term and have been committed to each other. 

Of late I been having some small health issues that i have not taken them seriously.

She has asked few times what I am doing about it.

Last Saturday, we had a plan to go out and she had a surprise for me for the afternoon. 

In the morning I got invited for a cuppa and she looked very upset and told me about the challenges one of her daughter's is facing and she has a lot on her mind about her parents as well and their relationship.

Then she asked me what am I doing with my health concern which I casually said, I am waiting.

She got very upset that if I can't look after myself, how can she trust in the future if I needed to make a decision on her behalf.

Of course the surprise plan was cancelled and the next day a short reply to my message that I am trying to mend something which Broken and she need the space I am not giving her.

The reason behind this post is:

I have grown as a person after I have been with her and although neither of us perfect, I am realising what it means mentally to be in a realtionship!

The sense of comfort and peace that i felt and did I take it for granted?

Not knowing her state if mind and most likely she feels the same  however her default responce is to shut down the world, is killing me, specially living round the corner from her and parking my car in her street.

[Ru-bee]

It sounds like this is a really hard situation for both of you @miniACDC 

I'm hearing that your partner has had a lot on her plate and may be feeling overwhelmed which has lead her to retreat and ask for some space. It can be a really difficult place to be in though, when it leaves you feeling shut out and unsure on where you're standing.

How long has it been since she was asking for space?

[miniACDC]

Hi @Ru-bee 

When the Honey moon period finished for her I noticed it straight away!

I became aware of my tendency to want to spend more time with her as I had and have much less commitments than her.

So when she had a stern talk with me one day and said something like she is not responsible for how I feel.

I remember it hit me like a brick, however lucky for me I did notice no change in her love toward me.

I slowly changed and accepted that there was weeks that she didn't have her kids and i never heard from her for few days,  living around the corner.

It still pissed me off for a long time.

I just learned to accept it and eventually found projects of my own that I had neglected for years and kept myself busy.

Her love toward me, although different than my love toward was present in most times.

I think I was just content to be with her.

So for most part, my messages may not get responded for days and I don't normally send her another one till she responds and I know she has space for me.

The purpose of this post a difference ranting was and really is, how much I am aware that despite not seeing for days or even a week previously,  in the back of our mind we were together and we were glad to see each other.

Now the fact that she has questioned my suitability in her life and has mentioned I am trying to mend something which Broken, doesn't feel good.

Every now  and then I try to make some sense to myself and tell myself snap out of it, knowing well and truly i am not in control of the outcome, however just being aware how much of my thoughts and feeling is going there and could be in the middle of dealing with client and emotions overcomes me.

I am 100% sure she feels similar, as she has shared few things by accident about her insecurities and she is not sure why am I giving her so much, when she doesn't giving me much in returns.

I just want to talk to her and reassure her I am not running away and here for her, however isn't it in life everything we do is because potentially we get something out of it ?

I know even i want to comfort her, on the back of my mind i also want to know this is not the end of our chapter!

To be honest,  this is the first time ever i realised and identified what my motive is!

She asked for space, she will receive space 

[tyme]

Hey @miniACDC ,

Thank you for sharing your reflective posts. It sounds like through this relationship, you have been able to gain a deeper insight about yourself as well as her desire to probably have some alone time too. 

Have you, at any point, been able to share some of how you feel?

I just want to acknolwedge the strength it takes to reflect on your actions, and I really hope things continue to work out for you both.

I look forward to hearing from you.

[miniACDC]

Hi @tyme 

You are welcome and Thank you for your reply and support.

I am a firm beleiver that no two relationships are the same. What I mean by that is the interaction between two people is so very unique and I like to think it takes it's own path and it is Organic.

The challenge is I think we draw so much from our past experinces and perhaps play the same Tape all over again. So we manifest over and over again how we lived our life in our past relationship and who we were. I feel this doesn't allow for a new Branch to grow and a new flower to blossom.

Yes I have tried to share more and more with her and the first time I said something, as mentioned previously she replied she is not responsible for how I fee. That was shared with all the love in her, however at the same time I didn't like it and once I noticed her love toward me didn't change, then slowly I learned to change and adapt to her style. So this is I guess I refer to as The relationship is Organic, because we triger and invite a change or responce in others and they could participate or leave.

Over the past 1.5 decade I tried to find LOVE and relationship. Now hindsight is great and I am so glad I didn't find it, because this current relationship has allowed me to learn so much because I was uncomfortable along the way. Her way of life and everything about her is so different than I have been used to.

I am not an agresive guy by any measures, however she didn't and doesn't hesitate to tell me when she doesn't like something and stand up to anything she doesn't like or doesn't suit her.

Now she is not the villian of this story. She is exactly what I needed and need in my life so I can grow and stand up on my own feet.

I guess time will tell.

Regards

Mini

[tyme]

I can see how much you have grown from this relationship @miniACDC . I really hope all goes 'well' so that you come across exactly what you need from the relationship and vice versa.

We are always learning and growing. 

As someone once said to me, if we were all on our own little island, we wouldn't have any issues. But because we are around other people, we can get rubbed the wrong way, but this is what can make us or break us.

If she has mentioned that she is not responsible for how you feel, I wonder if a conversation about what she'd like from the relationship will be helpful? I guess if you have the same goals, it might be something you can collectively work towards.

Please look after yourself. We are here for you.