Lived Experience Forum

[AloiseCat99]

I have been diagnosed with BPD (boarder line) for close to a year now and while it has helped to understand why I am like I am and the countless mis-diagnoses of bipolar, I still feel so lost and alone. I am currently crying my eyes out wishing I could just not exist so I could have some sort of peace, I am always feeling sadness and pain, I need a break and can't seem to get one. Does anyone else just absolutely self destruct and then go about their life like and never happened? This has been my life for as long as I can remember and I just am so lost. I feel as though I'm two people in one body, there's one side that wants to just perish and destroy any good in my life and the other wants to live a full and happy life, I can't deal with the constant back and forth, how do fellow BPD people handle this or am I all alone in feeling this way too? 

PSA: I've never posted on one of these before but I'm keen to get other BPD people's opinions and experiences.

[Kyle1]

Hi @AloiseCat99 

Welcome to Sane Forums.

I don't have BPD. But I do experience things you've described, albeit for different reasons. Like; the fact that I did once live a full and happy life, (and still want to), but then there's one (new) side of me that wants to just perish...

My story is of trauma, DV, anxiety, depression. And so, no matter why, I just wanted to assure you that feelings of pain, sadness, and being lost are not uncommon, and you can find a community of support to help you feel not so alone...

All the best. Hope You find what you're looking for.

[Former-Member]

What you have described is exactly what BPD is for me too. I was diagnosed over 10 years ago, I still struggle to identify my triggers until it's too late. I also developed an alcohol problem which I now see is all related to the BPD impulsivity and reckless behaviour. I feel like there are two competing forces at play in my life: the one that has hope and wants to try for a better life, the other just wants to destroy any hard won progress I have made. I'm my own worst enemy!

Please know, you are not alone in how you're feeling. I wish I had some wisdom to share which could help you, but I'm still so lost myself. One thing I can say though, is, never stop reaching out for help. I made that mistake and have made a mess of things, again. Now the clean up begins, again! I'm here if you need to chat 🙂

[EternalFlower]

Yes totally relate.❤️

[tyme]

Hi there @AloiseCat99 ,

I an totally relate too. 

BPD ruled most of my teenagehood and adulthood. I'd find myself switching between the most passive person to full blown BPD rage. I absolutely hate my existence and was living to die. 

Each day was emotional torment. I was an emotional child trapped in an adult's body and I absolutely had no idea if I'd be alive the next moment. Emotionally, it is the most painful condition.

Moving on to today, life couldn't be better. After years of hard work and with the MH system taking me up under their wing, I got immense support. 

BPD is not a lifelong condition. People can and do recover.

Feel free to have a browse through Raising Awareness of BPD - Flipping the Script , and connect with the BPD community there.

Speak soon, tyme

[EternalFlower]

Hi @tyme @AloiseCat99 @Former-Member @Kyle1 @Appleblossom 

Wrong diagnoses seem really common for women...idk why this is.

I got misdiagnosed not with BPD but it similarly really badly impacted me and i think sometimes the speed with which drs give diagnoses is....alarming. its hard not to feel impacted or defined by it. I believe u that it was totally wrong for u to have that diagnosis.

[Appleblossom]

Hearing you @EternalFlower I am not overly fond of the DSM in its entirety, but it has become a bible of sorts...

I have experienced a huge number of criteria for BPD and can relate a lot, but NOT had that diagnosis ... yet!

[EternalFlower]

Thank u for standing with me @Appleblossom 

Have mixed feelings about BPD but am here to listen if people feel it helps them to have that diagnosis. I guess any diagnosis has limits as well...

With things like dysthymia etc or "types" of depression i found it interesting that it was defined by the duration of depression...if its for a certain amount of time then it becomes dysthymia. Feels honestly bit arbitrary to me.

Ive had an assessment confirm that i dont have bpd but in the past i was sensitive to rejection which might be a bpd trait...although i outgrew that through therapy. I think nothing in our personalities are permanent, we evolve.

[BPDSurvivor]

Hi @AloiseCat99 ,

It sounds like you are posting from my former self. It’s pretty much spot on with what you mentioned. 

i felt a constant void that nothing could feel. There was nothing more I wanted to do than to die. My mind was preoccupied with death and I just wanted to get out of myself.

 And yes, I was diagnosed with bipolar. I was on meds for 10 years. Then during an admission, the psychiatrist said, ‘You don’t need these- you don’t have bipolar. It’s BPD.” So I stopped taking those meds there and then. By the way, this is my experience. I’m not telling you or anyone to stop talking meds without med advice.

 Looking back, I think my former psychiatrist who prescribed bipolar meds didn’t really believe in BPD. You see, meds don’t ‘fix’ The under lying issues of BPD. It is psychotherapy that does the work, along with a lot of grit and persistence.

 Due to my acuity and regular admissions, I was given a case manager who was supposed to help me short term. In the end, I was with the CM for years. I believe he saw something in me and so presisted with me, despite most in my case being discharged from case management after a few weeks. At the same time, I had mentalisation based therapy in Victoria. 

To this day, I am astounded at the huge difference that was made through MBT as well as a holistic support. That’s why I advocate for all those out there with BPD. 

You are not alone. BPD is so hard to live with, yet is also terribly rewarding.

I am a survivor of BPD and not ashamed to declare it. 

I am the author of my MH story. I’ve learnt that it is I who takes the lead in my recovery.

Please let me know if you have any BPD related questions. I really want to help.

[EternalFlower]

What a Beautiful post to @AloiseCat99 by @BPDSurvivor 

I also use MBT and it helps me.

I have a diagnosis of complex trauma and i relate in a way as i wander how many people didnt believe this was real. So i got given other diagnoses and told it was crucial for mg recovery to accept these diagnoses.

And since then i have seen more experienced psychiatrists and been told those diagnoses were completely wrong. So how would it have helped my recovery to accept a wrong diagnosis?