Friends, Family & Carers Forum

[Anna88]

Hi @LostandConfused, the best advice I can probably give is (if you haven't already) to see your gp to get a referral to a counsellor/psychologist. It's one of the first things I did because I knew this was bigger then I could deal with alone. I think without her help in the very beginning I'd have slipped into depression myself. She's been an incredible help with understanding why he acted this way and how he would be feeling etc, and she has helped me move on in some ways. Not necessarily from him but just getting back to my normal life in general. I also found her useful because as a professional her advice going forward was more mature and insightful then our mutual friends, some of whom suggested within days I just forget about him. Also, there is a website called Storied Mind, it has a section on Relationships and one discussion is "Why do depressed men leave". I'd recommend checking that out. Hope today is a little better for you.

[LostandConfused]

Hi @Anna88 thanks for the advice. I actually spoke with a different professional than I usually see who is a friend of my family. It was a great converation and she said that he is in crisis and that his actions are unforuntately very normal. I've read so many things online as well and it all lines up with how things fell apart and his illness. It does make me feel better I guess to know that this is relatively common, but at the same time it makes it so hard to accept. I feel I met the person I'm suppose to be with, but this illness has taken him away from me. Not contacting him at all is so difficult, and we are several hours away from each other as well. I'm going to be over that way in a couple of weeks, I might leave a little something in his mailbox just as a little token of my love. I'm not sure what to do, but I'm having a really hard time letting him go. 

Please let me know if you have any developments! If you do, I hope it's positive. Thanks for all of your responses. I'm doing better than I was the other night, was kind of breaking down, now just feel more numb than anything. 

[Anna88]

Hi @LostandConfused, I'm glad to hear you are talking to a professional. It also made me feel better to hear this is a common way for men to act while depressed. I was told that depressed women generally reduce interactions but stay in the home but men leave the home and the relationships. I've had no new developments on my end, I'm actually in the process of moving 700kms away and starting a new job. I've decided to not tell my ex bf or his closest friends, just something I want to do for myself.

[LostandConfused]

Hi @Anna88, it's great that you're doing things for yourself. I'm trying to, I can distract myself for a little bit but then it starts to consume my thoughts again. I've been thinking about moving too, I'm waiting to hear back about a second interview for a job that I already had scheduled to move back to the same state as him before this all happened. I almost withdrew, but now I'm thinking I'll see how it goes. But therapist told me I shouldn't make any major decisions right now. I've always felt I've been on track with my life, but now it just seems upside down. 

[Anna88]

@LostandConfused, I know the feeling lol, I felt like I was on track. I've decided to move because I was made redundant and I don't have many friends or family in this town. I moved here for the relationship and so although I am making a major decision it's also a financial and career decision. I was told by one of my exs friends that I wouldn't be invited to events because they would want him there and not me, so I feel there isn't much left for me here. I'm in a small ish country town and will be moving to a larger city an hour away from a capital city, so lots more fun stuff to do. My uni friends and family are also down there aswell.

[LostandConfused]

@Anna88 best of luck with the move. I was actually suppose to move in with him around the time that all of this started, I ended up turning down a job offer because he seemed very confused about our relationship, and didn't mention the depression at first. So we are still several hours apart now, which is good and bad I guess. I guess I'm glad I didn't move there and then have all this fall apart, that must be difficult for you, but I hear strength in your words. The place I'm living now is away from him, but I spent most of my time going to see him, and didn't make many friends where I'm currently living. I'm kind of starting from square one at the moment. I'm wondering if I should move back to my old city where I have some more friends for support. 

I'm sorry to hear that you haven't had any progress with him, but it's probably to be expected. Just as some words of advice, in case you do reconnect at some point with him, don't do what I did. When we saw each other it seemed like he had improved so much, that feelings were back. We spent about 2 days together, I should have taken the opportunity to give him space even during that time. To leave him with good feelings about us instead of just staying by his side. Unforutnately once we were spending time together, I couldn't convince myself to just walk away (especially since I'm far away and didn't know when we would possibily each other again). But if you have a good talk or good visit, walk away! Leave things in a good place and then give him some space. Otherwise he will feel too much pressure that you want to get back together. I wish I could have done things differently, but at least at this point maybe someone else can learn from my experience and have a more successful reconnection with their loved one. 

[Anna88]

Thanks for the good advice @LostandConfused. When we last spoke in November he said he would start counselling and if he felt better after that he would ask me out again. He wanted space to get well and I said I wouldn't contact him while he did that. So far I haven't and don't plan too, I think we ended the call in a reasonably mature not too emotional way. As hard as it is to go from talking everyday for 8 years to not speaking now for two months I know it's what he needs because otherwise he'd feel pressure about us. I'm semi hoping that he is appreciating my effort and that it will work out for me in the long run. On the other hand if he doesn't get better or in touch at least I will be used to not hearing from him. When we first broke up I decided that day I'd move towns, then after a week or so settled down a bit and decided to stay. Around the start of January after spending time down south with friends I was less emotional and decided I did in fact want to move, there's more work in my industry down there and lots of friends and family, so I'm getting excited now about the move. Fingers crossed for both of us that we have successful reconnections. I definitely didn't think I'd start 2018 as single and frantically packing a house up haha.

[LostandConfused]

Hi @Anna88 I hope you had a good day. Mine didn't start out great this morning, broke down quite a bit, but at the time I had two good friends contacting me and helped me through that. It got better this afternoon after going skiing and seeing friends. It gets harder when other men are talking to me, I hate to pretend to be interested, but I know I should try because my x has made his wishes clear. I spoke to a friend who has been open about his depression with me, as soon as I told him our latest interaction, he immediately said, that's all normal for someone who is surffering and that he had been there himself and did the same things. He also said I should not reach out to him, he said no matter what I say he will likely take it the wrong way. Hearing that and from you that you're not contacting him at all, gives me a bit more resolve to not say anything. It's still so hard, I miss and worry about him every day. 

It's nice to chat back and fourth with you. I wish you luck with the move. I'm thinking of moving myself, for all the same reasons as you have said. It would be bittersweet as we spent a year and a half in different states, for me to move back to the same state which is what we both wanted at one point. I guess as you're doing, I have to resolve to just do it for myself now and hope for the best. Goodnight friend. 

[Anna88]

Hi @LostandConfused. I've had an okay day today but cried for a bit when I first woke up. The worst part is missing him, I still can't believe sometimes that he is gone. In my situation he changed so quickly and then all of a sudden it was over, I'm still getting used to the new reality. I wish he would recover and come back. We didn't say any harsh things to each other and from what I know about depression I understand he isn't thinking normally, and so would take him back. I wish I had a crystal ball to see if I ever get him back again.

[LostandConfused]

Hi @Anna88 I know exactly how you feel. I wake up most nights, like last night, in a pool of sweat and my mind goes directly too thinking about him and how all this could have happened. I know that he's not thinking rationally, having a breakdown, strugging, etc. While learning that makes it easier to understand his behavior, it doesn't make it easier to accept is the best way I can put it. We both thought, at least at one point not too long ago that we had met the person that we were going to spend our lives with, and then boom all of a sudden he's gone like you said. I find it hard to keep going every day, I used to be a person who didn't have a care in the world like he would say, and now that's all gone. The world seems much less bright, and I just have to convince myself to keep going out, doing things, talking to people. It's just nothing makes me truly happy when I've lost the man I love to this disease and I cannot speak to him at all. I really want to give up hope because it's hard to live like this, but deep down I hope he recovers. I'm just worried it's going to take a very long time, and our lives will no longer intersect at that time.