Friends, Family & Carers Forum

[Anna88]

Hi @LostandConfused just thought I'd check in to see how you're going? My situation is relatively unchanged as far as the relationship  but I have moved house and start my new job tomorrow. I'm excited to be closer to friends and family but really miss my old house and my ex. Hope you're doing okay 

[LostandConfused]

Hi @Anna88 thanks for saying hi and giving me an update on how you're doing. I'm doing ok, I go through short periods of feeling a bit better and then crying several times a day. A mutual friend called me the other day to tell me that I need to move on, that he's drinking way too much and driving home, and apparently at least one night took home the town tramp. It's very very upsetting. I was trying to have faith that he was trying to get better, and that would be our only hope to put this all back together. I can no longer hold out hope and allow him to hurt me the way he has done. I have to accept that illness or not, I don't deserve to be yelled at or disrespected when all I've done is tried to support him. I miss him every minute of every day and my heart still breaks for all of the happiness we had for two years. But I have to accept that he will never be the person I thought he was, whether it's because that's just who he is or because this illness took him from me. 

The job I was hoping to get has decided not to hire for the position at the moment, I was hoping that I'd have a change like that in my life. I hope that helps you to find yourself again as well. I guess for me it isn't meant to be right now. I'm hoping to start planning a trip with a friend to help focus my energy somewhere else. 

Also I'm going to be in the town he lives in this weekend, I'm worried about running into him. But after how much he's hurt me, I know I need to be strong and act like it doesn't both me. I can't give him that satisfaction anymore. Feel free to check in from time to time, it's good to hear that you're moving forward. I hope to as well sometime soon. 

[LostandConfused]

Hi @Anna88 I hope you're settling into your new job and town, how is that going for you? I have an update on my situation with my ex partner. As I said in my last reply I was heading to visit my friends in the town he lives in. I was at a bar with friends when he walked in with a bunch of people I've never seen before and that girl. He came up to me immedately and wanted to talk. We talked outside for a while, the conversation was honsetly a total blur. He just kept saying that he was sorry, that he's a bad person, that I need to just forget him, that he's severely depresesd, and no one can be let in on how bad it is, etc. All I remember saying is I don't know what you're trying to tell me right now. He didn't look well, and seems to be drinking and driving quite a bit. There was a big scene caused in side the bar with the girl and my friends, it was just a mess. One of my guy friends told him off for being such a shitty person and almost caused a fight. I've never been involved with such drama before in my life. He told me he had written me an email, but I have no idea if that's true because he never sent it. The next day I asked him if he would send it, and he said that nothing he could say will ever repair what he's done to me. He said he wanted to let me know that he's ok (which he clearly isn't) and that he's done trying to explain things that he can't explain. He said a psy told him that look out for himself and that's the best thing for him. The issue for me, he doesn't seem to be doing anything productive to get better, he only seems to be doing destructive things in his life at the moment and all of his words ring hollow to me His friends and family are concerned about him and so am I, but I need to let go of my worrying about him because all it does is just hurt me. I told him that nothing he says will ever repair the damaged he has done to my heart and that I hope he realizes soon the person he's become and committ to working on himself to be a better person. And that one day he'll realize that all I've ever done is try to love and support him. I think that's the final straw for all of this, it's so heart breaking, but he's turned into a totally different person, a monster. I keep thinking that he's hit rock bottom, and he'll start getting better, but it doesn't seem he's at that point yet. And I need to move on so that I'm not so broken any more. Thanks for listening @Anna88. I hope you're doing so well. 

[Anna88]

Hi @LostandConfused, sosorry for such a late reply. I'm sorry to hear all that, sounds aswful. It's interesting how much people change, I'd dated my now ex for 8 years and he changed so dramatically in two weeks, it was like he was a different person. I'm doing reasonably well, I haven't heard from him/seen him or heard any news about him and I prefer it that way. Whenever my friends text me I get briefly anxious that they are texting to say he's got a new gf or something. My heart beats really fast until I read the msg and see if just about normal stuff. I srill cry occasionally, but not for very long and it's normally triggered by a memory (seeing an old photo etc). I've been doing much better with my day to day living. One of my friends told me I'm a terrible ex girlfriend because I haven't called my ex crying and begging to get back together. It made me laugh a lot. I'd like to do those things but I don't believe there's any point lol. Maybe with a healthier minded person but I don't believe a depressed person wants to hear a crying ex gf lol. Hope you are doing better each day.

[LostandConfused]

Hi @Anna88 I'm sorry for the late reply as well. I'm glad to hear that you're doing well day to day. I guess I can say the same, I occasionally break down though. It's mostly when I'm being treated nicely by a friend or another man, it shouldn't make me sad to be treated well. It's such a weird feeling I've never felt before. I haven't heard much update about him, other than one friend say he's struggling, and that he didn't want to keep hurting me, among other things. He's said that he's lost all of his friends, which I feel bad about, and if it had been a more normal break up I don't think that would have happened. But most of our friends saw the way he treated me and the choices he has been making and have decided not to talk to him really any more. I'm sure that's not helping him mentally, but he has made his choices. You're right it honestly hurts more to hear about it. Today is my birthday, and his cousin is taking me out to dinner. It's kind of strange. His family really loved me, and they don't understand what's going on either. Anyway, just gotta try to keep getting better every day. I'm just relatively uninterested in pursuing things with someone else, but I'm trying. I hope you're enjoying your new job and city as well. 

[Anna88]

Happy birthday @LostandConfused 🎂 I hope that despite what you're going through you've atleast had a nice day.
I had been doing pretty well but for some random reason from Sunday until last night I've been having nightmares about him getting a new girlfriend and I've been crying a lot when I'm alone. Trying to get on top of that because I don't want to end up with depression. Part of me feels like moving on with someone new but I don't know if that's a revenge thing or whether I'm actually ready. Either way I haven't moved on just yet. That's really nice that his family are nice to you, unfortunately for me his depression was caused by family and none of them got in touch with me. The only good thing about our break up is that I will never have to deal with them again. I think a lot about will there be a day when he realises he didn't need to end the relationship but I guess now it's been 5 months and no word from him so that seems unlikely. I hope your dinner is nice 🙂

[feilig08]

Hello @LostandConfused! Something very similar is happening to me. Except that my boyfriend thinks that his depression is caused by us starting the relationship, even though everything between us was perfect and we love each other. We broke up and get back together for a few times. Then we broke up in april and had no contact for a month. In may we seen each other and we spent the weekend together. We talked and said that we have to get better by our own, because i got depressed too, and then see what we do with our relationship. Then a few days later he called me and said I have to get better but without him, he told me he will always love me and that i am a wonderful person and he wants a wife that will be like me ( but probably not me). He told me we have to stay a while without contact and then he will want to see me if I want that to. Now I try to stay apart but I really wish us to get back together after he gets better but I don`t know if he wants that too. What he said about that was very vague. He said that maybe and that he can` t tell what he will want at the time but that he loves me and always will. 

How are things for you now?

[LostandConfused]

Hi @Anna88 how are you doing? It's been a few months and there have been a few updates on my end and I'm just wondering how things are in your new city? have you had any contact with your ex partner? I hope you're doing better overall. As for me, I moved as wel and started a new job. While I was packing up my apartment I found a few of his things and put them in an envelope to mail back to him. I also had a book called Darkness Visible that someone had recommend that I read if I wanted to try and understand what he goes through. It was a really quick and enlightening read. Part of me wonders why I was waiting my time, still trying to understand, but I guess it was a good thing. I sent the book and a very short note that only explained that I was moving back to the same state he lives in and that I would get the rest of the stuff from the house when I got settled in. 4 days after he received the package he sent me a text; it made my stomach sick to see his name on my phone. His text was very generic and said congratulations on my new job and to let him know when I'm back in town to get my stuff. At the end it said "hope all is well." I know he was just trying to be pleasant, but it made me angry that he said that. Yeah sure, I'm doing pretty well, but I would be doing a lot better if he didn't rip our lives apart. I didn't respond.


Before starting a new job I went on a bike trip for 2 weeks by myself; the adventure made me feel really good. I had met up with a friend one night on my trip and while I wa with her, I checked my inbox and saw his name. I was very surprised. The message was him describing to me when and how he read the book I sent in a lot of detail and how much he could relate to the author in how he described his depression. He said he looked back on things he had jotted down during his episodes and shared one with me. He said that I would probably delete his message, but he thanked me for sending it. I haven't responded to his email and don't plan on doing so. I texted him recently to ask if he would be around last weekend for me to come grab my stuff from the house. He didn't respond until the next morning and said he wasn't available, but he would pack my stuff for me and bring it to where I'm living now. He's actually on his way here right now. While I'm dreading seeing him at all, I'm looking forward to it being completely over. Because at the moment any connection or interaction with him makes me very unhappy.



Of course I would like to respond to his email and say that I understand more than I ever have about what he goes through, and that I would support him until he gets better. But I can't do that, I've tried so hard and it got me no where but crushed. He is still with this girl and I know that for a fact. I don't know why he bothered emailing me. He's obviously fine enough to spend his time with her, but not with me. I've been hurt too much to engage in any way with him. I hope when I see him that I can be strong. But it's going to be very very difficult for me. 

Thanks for letting me send you an update. I hope you are in a good place in your life as well. 

@feilig08 I'm sorry to hear that you're going through something similar to what Anna and I went through. I guess my general advice, and the same that I read from others that went through the same thing, is you've got to try and move on as soon as you can. And I'm not saying that I have, it's honestly still hard every day. But I'm looking forward to a time that I have no contact with him, because seeing his name or hearing from him at all makers it worse. You don't have to totally move on because you may never totally, but try and distance yourself emotionally and physically. It's so hard, but it's the only thing that helps. 

[Shaz51]

Hello @LostandConfused, @feilig08, @Anna88

Thank you for you update @LostandConfused, sooo  good to hear from you xx 

[Anna88]

Hi @LostandConfused i hope seeing him wasn't too painful for you and you were able to stay strong. It sounds like you are doing much better. Nothing has changed in my situation as expected but I'm interested in meeting someone new. I don't know where to look though! I was in my relationship from 8 years and we met at university so dating was a bit different because we lived in a college together. I don't really know how to go about it in the real world lol. Hope all went well for you