Lived Experience Forum

[Doc_Gonzo]

Hey guys,

 Been a while. I am doing really well in many ways and I am struggling in many others of those who read other posts of mine 'highly functional/highly distressed". I am currently studying a masters in narrative practice and community work and working part time for  a mental health organisation that will remain nameless. I have been trying to find work for another org and am not having much luck, why because the organisation I work for specialises in mental health and goes out of their way to destroy the mental health of their workers and offers no support.

This is genuinely the worst org I have ever worked for. Management is so overbearing and there are so many abuses of power on a daily basis that I have dissociated to a point where I feel almost no body sensations at all. I have written before about the split between 'professional and personal self' and now personal self has been locked away as I am living with so much distress my mind has shut off all emotions and almost all physical sensations.

I am held responsible for my mental health in the sense that I am not doing enough to look after myself, however I argue that this level of dissociation is an extreme form of self care. There were so many alarms ringing in the body that the mind has shut it off. I garden, walk, listen to music, write a blog, play with animals and do spend massive amounts of energy to take care of myself. What really bugs me is that management is so toxic and the organisation I work for worships managerialism and bureaucracy They offer the least amount of EAP sessions compared to any org I have worked for and offer no support for their staff as it is not their prerogative.

I have been desperately looking for work as I was ready to quit my job in the first month of starting, I have now been working for them for 6 months and as work in mental health is so hard to come by I have applied for another position in the same org (my contract was only ever temporary). If I can't find work in a relevant field I will have to drop out of the masters as I will be unable to meet the requirements for practical work.

I have never worked for and org like this before whose practices are so far removed from their mission statement. I have never in my life worked for an area manager as toxic as the one I am currently working for and I feel 'dirty' working for them as they blame the individuals for the organisations shortcomings. I have been gagged for being honest about the limitations of my role (as in I am finishing soon). Literally gagged for telling the people I work with (my phrase for clients) from the day I started that my contract is temporary.  it is better practice to not tell people that you won't be supporting them long term because that may upset them (apparently??).

I feel like everything I believe in as a 'consumer' or should I say 'customer' in the current NDIS model of care (I say both words are horrible substitutions for the word people) and as a professional is being told to shut up and be quiet, because we don't support open, honest person centred practice here, we just like to say we do to ensure we get funding.

I have no social life, long term single, I live in community housing that can be nightmarish at times due to violence, theft and bad behaviour of neighbours. I have almost no family life and wonder why I bother to work towards change.

I don't know about others working in mental health, what do you guys think about the 'supporting nature' of the orgs you work for?

I have never been in this position before, I have never worked for a place that is so toxic to work in. My colleagues are great it is management up that is the problem and they wield their authority relentlessly.

A person I worked with took their life on Christmas eve, the last message I got from them was to wish me a merry Christmas. My organisation did almost nothing to support myself and another worker during this time. I had to fill out a 'staff impact form' and knowing that you can't speak honestly at this place, I told them what I knew they wanted to hear. When I asked about follow up from the form, I was told that it is not managements prerogative to provide any feedback or follow trough. I mean seriously! I even got questioned over my ability to maintain my own mental health last week and have it in writing that I am to make more of an effort to look after myself to ensure that I am 'on top of my game'. Of course they didn't ask about the impact that work is having,nor did they allow anytime for discussion, they just put it on me to look after myself better. This is how we treat mental health in general in this country, we blame the individual and ignore the context of their lives.

I really needed to get this off my chest as it is metaphorically killing me. They are a big org and well 'branded' so I have to choose my words carefully.

Below is something that started in a support group  I used to attend, this one document has lead to a project that is aimed at challenging organisations (like the one i work for) perceptions of what mental health is. It is now heading towards a peer created DSM-IVme (literally Diagnostic statistical manual for me!) and an ar exhibition is in the works.

Yet my org has blocked any attempt for me to pass any of these sorts of activities around through the various teams because ti doesn't have my orgs branding on it. Um that is the point guys, it is not about the system, the orgs or the experts, it is about the people who live with mental ill-health talking about it in their way, in their time, using their words!

I am not unwell..

I am someone who sometimes is viewed as being “too” emotional and sometimes not emotional
enough.

I am someone who sometimes sees things from a skewed “dysfunctional” perspective that doesn't
necessarily reveal a “true” picture and also someone who sometimes sees things clearly despite
what he is being told.

I am someone who sometimes thinks too much and sometimes not enough.

I am someone who sometimes says too much, who sometimes says things I regret, who sometimes
really means what I say even if it is not being heard and sometimes I barely speak at all.

I am someone who is sometimes sorry and sometimes someone who is not.

I am someone who is visible sometimes and hidden at other times.

I am someone who sometimes feels too much and sometimes feels nothing at all.

I am someone who sometimes laughs and someone who sometimes can barely raise a smile

I am someone who sometimes cries even though sometimes I don’t understand why.

I am someone who has underdeveloped skills in some areas and someone who is highly skilled in
others.

I am someone who sometimes feels frail and weak and someone who sometimes feels strong and
powerful.

I am someone who has survived, who lives, who changes, who grows and sometimes I am someone
who believes he is nothing at all.

All of these things amount to one thing…

I am Doc_Gonzo and I am someone who is complex and that complexity makes me human and
my humanity is not an illness to be cured.

[utopia]

@Doc_Gonzo. I hear you.
I worked in Admin for a Community Mental Health Organisation. The staff and clients were brilliant. Strong, funny, supportive people.
Management - totally different story. They were toxic. The mixed messages from different departments / different managers - was insane.
They would talk the talk, but that was all. I ended up really sick and have been on Workcover for 2 & 1/2 years - after a workplace incident, where I asked management for help with a very unwell client, & was ignored.
So please, remove yourself from this toxic workplace. In the end, it's not worth the risk to your health. I understand you need to work as part of your masters. Unfortunately I don't have any answers for that, except to keep trying, keep asking everyone.
But honestly, your health must come first. And you are the only one who can look after you. Management have shown they are unwilling to help.
I wish you all the best.

[Former-Member]

hello @Doc_Gonzo

this resonates strongly with me

i have experienced the "robotic care" lacking in compassion and empathy from a few of the nursing staff within the private sector

one so called clinical nurse told me he was my advocate!  I need not say any more

there are some who are excellent, sincere and direct when needed

i found working in the corporate world more of a struggle as i got older having been to one too many training courses, played their games, meetings for meetings and so on and so on

i can well imagine working in the mental health corporation world would negate so many of your principles.

you have written this thread compassionately as well as delicately.

your points at the end are profound and from someone who has had a major illness for far too long, I find your words refreshing, new, yet totally fitting

you are a blessing to the industry and I feel that you will shine in a different part of the mental health field.

I dont have any suggestions, i am a patient within the system that has a monopoly on care, has no benchmarks for comparison, no competition and is left to do as power dictates. The very same that I pay copious amounts of money to, for when I need hospital support.

do not let the dreaded, corporation dragon destroy your passion, understanding of how human we really are,

[Former-Member]

hello @Doc_Gonzo @utopia

not sure why but there was an error exception or some such electronic terminology

i wanted to highlight the following:

 "I am Doc_Gonzo and I am someone who is complex and that complexity makes me human and
my humanity is not an illness to be cured."

[Lunar]

Hello @Doc_Gonzo,

That does sound incredibly hard working for that organisation, I'm sorry you have gone through the things you have and they have not supported you the way they should. It's also a shame that you are unable to find another role and also doing your Masters that is a lot to be taking on, do you find that you are also incredibly stressed too at all? Is anyone from your uni able to help you find work? Or even jobs at your uni in the meantime?

You have a huge amount of insight and write in such a descriptive in beautiful way, do you find that writing helps you?

Lunar

[Former-Member]

hello @Lunar @Doc_Gonzo @utopia

Yes I agree wholeheartedly with your comments Lunar

He emulates his success in learning and demonstrating the results of his narrative practice study.

We need, the world needs far more people like you Doc_Gonzo

[Former-Member]

hello @Doc_Gonzo

I dont know which state you are in, but even work within supported living you would be invaluable as that is in the community. Would that count for your practical hours in study?

working in situations with people suffering from serious mental illnesses and long term suffering. you would be invaluable and perhaps be introduced into the area you hope to advance in.

If you are in need of support, study wise I do hope that you find the necessary resources that you deserve.

I am waiting for a room at the inn, i am in the holding bay, on the waiting list to get into a private hospital that has no competition.

Your words have helped me today, I am able to look at myself differently today. In particular the commennt about complexity and my humanity touched my heart. I am so complex so thank you. I read most of your article to my psychiatrist and he agreed, especially the complexity part. So you impressed one of the very highly respected, top psychiatrists in my state. well done.

dont give up

[Doc_Gonzo]

@utopiaThank you for your words. I am sorry to  hear that your experiences have left you on workcover for so long. That is truly a failure of system upon system of care, I really feel for you and wish you the best for your future.

I have a job interview with another org, however they have already stated that they have had so many applications that they will be holding two interview rounds. At least I can say that I made it to the first round if I don't get the job. I went through two interviews to get the position I currently have so I know I have the interviewing skills and on paper I look golden, so I will keep looking.

But for now I have to work hard at singing and dancing in the rain, because shutting down and weathering out the storm will not help me.

So I will keep working focusing on the bigger picture (me in private practice one day) and keep applying for jobs where I can.

[Doc_Gonzo]

@Former-Member@LunarThank you both for your kind words. I know that a lot of what I am feeling is because I refuse to let my values and principles tucked away to suit the environment. I have always been willing to work within any environment and this is the first time that I have felt ill-equipped to rattle the foundations of such a rigid structure.

It has sapped my confidence and left me feeling powerless and if I feel powerless, what does that mean for the people who depend on me to speak up for them when they feel they can't? I can't let go of this thought and it makes me cry (until i switch off all emotions again) because I have always been able to shake the shit from the rafters.

I hold out hope that I will find work soon, I am certainly not going to spend the rest of my days where I am. I have to keep focusing on the bigger picture and it certainly doesn't stop me from writing. My blog has died off a bit, however I will get back to it one day.

I still write as a way of speaking up and out. I strongly and passionately believe that the voices of those living with mental-ill health are the most important voices out there and will always be working to include them where possible.

I will try to respond where I can, however I dip and dive out life when I am at home as it takes a lot of energy to wipe the toxic waste off me at the end of each day.

So thank you

[Former-Member]

hello @Doc_Gonzo

I hear what you are saying

I too feel the same as you and have spoken up about things I witnessed whilst staying in hospital, several times

fortunately my psychiatrist encourages this in me

he has also said the world needs far more people like myself

so I relay those words to you

we do have to look after ourselves and I now realise that when I take time out, I am not giving up on my values and principles. They are still there.

So when you need time out and you will, studying so hard as well as surviving  in the corporate quagmire, voicing your concerns all draining

it will not fix itself overnight but as long as there are voices like ours never giving up but looking after ourselves, change will be happening.

Have you seen Eleanor Longden on youtube? Very inspiring

good luck

keep in touch when you can and most of all look after you