Question

[Pothuman]

Is it like. Bad. To befriend someone that’s a kid when you’re 20? 

For context I like whilst online when I was younger befriended someone that’s at the time was 13 when I was 20 I at the time when first meeting them didn’t know they were 13 until like….. months into the friendship (they didn’t lie it just never came up, that and we never talked about explicit stuff apart from suggesting it- same energy of when they did in family friendly movies back in the day)

[Rossana]

Is the friend still a minor or under 20 now?

[Jynx]

Hi @Pothuman, 

These kinds of situations can be very tricky. I don't think it is inherently 'bad' - especially because like you say, you had no idea up until now. The difficulty arises when social values come into play, especially if there is any possibility that either of you start to develop feelings that go beyond friendship. 

It can be really tricky when you form a connection with someone, and there is a significant power imbalance. It really is important to recognise that innate power imbalance between an adult and a kid. Even if an adult doesn't mean to, they can still potentially have a huge influence on a child, and that is not fair on the kid. This is part of the reason SANE doesn't allow under-18's on the forums - because young people have different needs, can be more easily influenced, and are quite vulnerable.

Did this happen recently, and are you still in contact with them?

[Pothuman]

Not anymore, befriended them five years ago and recently shit hit the fan with them, it was. Messy and ugly

they said I hurt them in a way i didn’t do and I explained everything to like 5 people including my therapist offline and they said i didn’t do that it’s just the relationship got more codependent due to the both of us being abused by the same person and being isolated from everyone

It’s uh. As you can imagine not doing great on my mental state 

[Pothuman]

Ohhgh clarification, i didn’t engage in anything sexual with them 

[Jynx]

@Pothuman I am really hearing how impacted you are by all of this. It sounds as though it is a very complex situation, especially when it comes to abuse and the impacts of trauma. Sometimes relationships develop between people who have been through traumatic circumstances together, but that doesn’t mean that those relationships are necessarily healthy. 
We cannot change the past. I hear that it has been a very difficult time for you with this relationship breakdown, though perhaps this is an experience that you can learn from. I know some of the most important lessons I’ve learned have come from incredibly distressing situations. 

I wonder, what do you think will be most helpful for you to begin to heal from this? And what are you looking for in your future connections and friendships?

[Pothuman]

Sorry I ended up dipping mentally but yeah, I think it didn’t help that I did do shit wrong just not to the extent they said, I when typing that was fulky in ‘I’m evil and did everything they said’ when i didn’t I just have intrusive thoughts

[tyme]

Hope you're okay mate @Pothuman . Sounds like those intrusive thoughts can be so harsh sometimes!