Not at all @Captain24 your feelings are your feelings and it's okay to make space for them. Self-sabotaging would be if you acted upon them in a way that part of you knows is not good for you. Which, if you're doing that too, also does not deserve shame. That's how we end up on the downward spiral in the first place!!
I dunno if this is helpful for you, but for me, it really does make a difference to remind myself that... I'm a mammal 😅 As in like... I think humans have accidentally set ourselves some wildly high standards and forgotten about the part where our brains are actually just monkey brains. Like... the amount of pressure you're under, how stressful and unsafe (both emotionally and physically by all accounts) your job is, how much childhood trauma you've been working through, how little emotional support and the lack of instruction for managing your emotions you've gotten over the years.... and then we've got these brains that default to crappy patterns, that hate making changes, that get stuck in their ways... and that do things like self-sabotage even when we know what we're doing is bad for us. Yeah I'd say your current emotional state is pretty dang understandable.
Humans are silly creatures who have somehow convinced ourselves we're above nature. But we're not, we're part of it. And our nature is that we are feeling creatures first, logical creatures second. So if you feel defeated, it's probably because you've been knocked about so much that even when your logic brain says 'no I am still here, this isn't over, there's no reason to think I've lost' your feeling brain is screaming 'NO BUT I HAVE ABSOLUTELY LOST, IT'S ALL OVER'. And it's really hard sometimes almost impossible, not to listen to the loudest screamiest internal voice! I think sometimes we just gotta let our feeling brain have its moment, its tantrum if you will, and then we step in with the logic after.
Oh my... that was a big ramble. I'm gonna post this and then I'll reply about the other bit regarding your stay, gimme a min 💜
