I can’t cope

[Captain24]

My head hit the pillow and I was out @Jynx 

My sleep hygiene is usually pretty good. My air con is set, I play thunderstorm for white noise and a lot of the time I have a shower before bed. At the moment I’m missing the shower as I just don’t have it in me. 

Im sure I’m not the only one that appreciates you! I also love the way you talk, I find it engaging! I think you are a fair bit younger than me but you talk the way I grow up with. While my childhood wasn’t good, the way you talk is nostalgic! 

There’s no masks, you can cry if you want to. Other patients ask if you want support or to be left alone and they honour your wishes. They don't try to make you feel better same with the nurses.

Ive been shopping and been to the chiropractor so I have tried this morning but really I had too. The Chiro appointment was booked and I have to go to that hell hole tonight. Just gotta get through tonight and tomorrow night and then I’m free for 5 days. 

Im going to write a list of everything that I want to get done and see if that helps me outta my hole. 

Now that’s my ramble!!! 😜 

[Captain24]

Why does everything have to be so hard?

Whats the point? Why bother? 

I just don’t want to do it anymore 

[Ru-bee]

Hi @Captain24 I know things have been so hard recently and it's understandable that you're tired. 

Has anything happened this morning that you want to chat about? I'm here with you and am happy to listen

[Captain24]

Nothing out of the ordinary @Ru-bee. I’ve cleaned my house and just outing to drop the dogs into mums so I can have asleep before I go to the hell hole I call work. 

Maybe it’s the dread of nightshift. Maybe it’s just bipolar. Maybe I’m just a loser. Maybe I deserve it. Maybe I’ve done something really wrong in my life and I’m paying for it now. 

[Ru-bee]

It's hard to hear you say some of those things about yourself @Captain24 I don't say that to make you feel bad or like you can't express your thoughts, but just to let you know that it's hard to think that you can see yourself as a loser or as deserving of bad things because from all that you've shared it's clear to me that neither of these are true.

Work has really been extra though lately hasn't it? How many nights are you on until your next break?

[Captain24]

It’s hard to feel them too @Ru-bee. It hurts deep down. I’m in a lot of internal pain. I don’t see any good in myself. I look at the positive words on my mirror but right now I can’t see them in myself. Up until a few days ago I could see some. 

Work use to be my happy place but it’s just hell at the moment. I’ve lost all my confidence and not sure if I’m good enough to get it back. Maybe I’ll always be a shit truckie. I feel unwanted when I’m there since I am so bad. 

I have tonight and tomorrow night. So I’m free of the place on Friday morning at 7:10 am! 

[Ru-bee]

The fact that you were able to recognise that good in yourself up until a few days ago tells me that you will be able to again, that this pain even though it is deep and hard to see out of, is transient @Captain24. Until you are able to believe those good things about yourself I'll believe them double for you if that's okay. It's not a hard thing to do because I truly see so much good and strength in you through all you share here 💜 

I'm interested when that turning point was for you at work? Was it because of an event that happened that's shaken your confidence?

I know you need to rest so please don't feel you need to answer or get into that now if you need to sleep

[tyme]

Ello @Captain24 . What's happening?

[Captain24]

Hey @Ru-bee 

Ive just woken up and packed my lunch. 

Thank you for believing in me. Maybe one day soon I’ll believe those words myself. I can only wish. 

A couple of weeks ago I just couldn’t get anything right. I was ridiculed over the radio. It was relentless and felt

like a personal attack. Hence my anxiety in going to work and hating it. It’s the fear of it all happening again. That’s where my loss of confidence and hate has come from. 

Hey @tyme 

Just willing myself to get dressed for work. It’s not getting any easier.

[Ru-bee]

That's awful @Captain24 no wonder you're struggling being at work after that. I'm really sorry, that would have felt crappy, and I know that when I've been in situations when I'm really trying to not make any mistakes at work, I tend to make more and it becomes this horrible spiral. It's the absolute last time you want others to start pointing it out, even if they might think it's harmless.

Has there been anything that's helped you through your shifts recently?