I can’t cope

[Captain24]

I feel like I failed but at the same time I feel like I did the right thing @Jynx.

She doesn’t know how bad things have been for me. The only people in my life that do is my psych and my GP but he only knows a bit. She is really hard to deal with. She is neurotic at the best of times. It’ll be a phone call that goes for hours. Mums call was 4 hours. I can share and maybe help but I can’t talk for that long. 

Being medicated is awesome. I have felt so much difference. The noise in my head is so much less. I even slept today the best of slept in weeks. I only woke up once to go to the toilet. I slept for 7 hours and 15 minutes. Instead of the 6 hours interrupted sleep I’ve been having. 

[Jynx]

@Captain24 I mean I know what nicotine withdrawals are like - I totally get it hun! 

So like... if you did tell her, would she react poorly? Are you worried about her talking to your parents? I don't know the woman so I don't presume to know your relationship... but I do know sometimes a big reveal like that can change a relationship entirely.

I know it's a completely different circumstance but when I was 15 I came out as queer, and my brother sat me down a couple weeks later and basically apologised for always teasing me and letting his friends be mean to me - and we used to fight heaps. He said he realised that my life would be tough enough being queer, and that he didn't wanna add to that. We are pretty close still to this day 😊

If she's heaps neurotic tho, and more likely to make it a big drama/all about herself, definitely protect your peace!! 

[Captain24]

I don’t know if I can share as I don’t want her checking in all the time. @Jynx. She calls me FNOM. Favourite niece of mine. I don’t think she would tell my parents but it’s a side I like to keep quiet. I am ashamed of the way I feel and that I’m selfish to not think of others at those times. 

Ahe will make it a big drama and I won’t get a word in. She is really hard. She will continue to ring or message me after the chat. Probably via text message and probably at least 4 times a day! I need to look after myself as I’m starting to feel better on a lot of days and don’t want to rock that boat. Plus my psych is going away and after Tuesday I don’t have her to bounce off. 

Im about to head to work now so if you respond (no pressure though) I won’t get it until the morning. I will respond then. 

Have a good night. 

[Jynx]

I put the tab over in another window to respond to 'later' @Captain24 and almost forgot entirely lol

Sounds like more trouble than it's worth - fair enough. Protect your peace! Consistency and stability are precious, hey. 

Hope work has been okay, and I will chat to you tomorrow hopefully! 💜

[Captain24]

Hahaha adhd brain @Jynx!

My auntie rang mum 3 times yesterday. She needs to go to a psych hospital. She said she fell over because she forgot to tell her knees to bend! Like wah??? She is in a constant state of panic. She can’t eat, can’t sleep, can’t go to the toilet! I’ve suggested to mum for my auntie to call SSCB. Mum said that she won’t call but I told mum that her partner can. I’m hoping that he does call and that they call emergency services. It’s the only way I can see her getting help. There is more but I can’t say on here. 

It’s stressing me out that she is going to call me. It’s on my mind constantly and the adhd meds aren’t removing that noise! 😂. I’m going to need support after she rings. I’m trying to support mum as it’s getting to her. Mum is exhausted and can’t sleep. 

Work was ok nowhere as good as the night before though. I’m not sure what is going on. I’m not sure if that because the noise has stopped that I have more ability to do things better or whether they have improved my confidence. I don’t know. But I did ok with backing up to the digger. I made mistakes and I just brushed it off and tried again. No beating myself up. No extra anxiety. Normal I would beat myself up so bad that I have bad anxiety whenever I go near the digger or dump. I just wasn’t fazed by it. It feels pretty good though. 

I hope your weekend is going well. 

Im off to bed to sleep ready to do it all over again tonight. 

[RiverSeal]

Hey @Captain24, sounds like your auntie is going through a lot right now and it was good advice to refer her and her partner to crisis supports. Hopefully she can get the support she needs!

Please do share you thoughs here with the community if you need support after she calls if it goes that way. Also remember you can reach out to crisis supports and have a chat with someone if you need a little extra support. 

Take care

RiverSeal ❤️ 

[Jynx]

@Captain24 hahaha tell me about it!

Oooof such a tricky situation!! Cos obviously your aunty is really having a rough time, and we can probably empathise with that pretty easily. But from what you describe, it is also not really emotionally safe for you to be supporting her - and besides, from what you've said, it sounds like she needs professional intervention. That level of care needs sounds like too much for you and your mum to manage all on your own. 

I like the idea of SCBS! Hopefully they utilise it. If it gets to a point where you're concerned about safety but not sure if it's enough for triple 0, you can always contact local CATT and ask for their advice on whether intervention is needed. They may also be able to do the intervention too! 

Love that work is easier!! And sounds like it's helping with that inner critic too, we love that!! 

Have you got work again tonight hun? 

[Captain24]

Im understanding more about adhd now. Im understanding the forgetfulness, going to the fridge several times before I remember what im doing or going to do something and not knowing what it was. The meds aren’t removing doing wonders @Jynx. That inner critic is so much quieter. It’s making life a little easier. 

I know it’s not good for me to help her but I can’t not. I won’t answer every call she makes but I have to answer the first one. I need to really look after myself after talking to her. 

I could try the mental health line. I didn’t think about that. If they haven’t done anything about trying to get help I’ll have to see what I think after talking to her. She told mum that the doctor upped her antidepressants but she needs more than that. She is now smoking comes all day everyday. That’s only going to make things worse. But she thinks it’s helping but mum doesn’t think so as there is no difference in the phone calls. I’m stressing because I don’t have support after Tuesday for 8 weeks. So I have to go it alone. 

Yeah. I have work tonight. It’s going to be hard as it’s the third nightshift and I sometimes struggle with it. I’m hoping that the meds keep me going. 

[Captain24]

Hey @tyme 

Hope all is going well. 

I have a question. When you go into a public hospital do you get a one on one psych? Is there any one on one support? Is there groups that you go too? Do they help with med changes? 

Sorry for the questions but the one I go to is private and only a clinic not an actual hospital. We don’t get one on one unless the nurses are available. We only see the Pdoc twice a week. 

[Jynx]

@Captain24 it's a wild ride hey - once you know what to look for it's like 'oh..... OHHHHHHHH....' haha seeing all the ways it's always been impacting us!! Has there been anything that's been a bit of a surprise to learn that it's an ADHD thing? 

I get it hun - cos I know that you're someone who cares soooo deeply and has sooo much compassion, empathy, and kindness. Not answering might be less draining but if it's gonna wrack you with guilt, it's not really a reprieve, is it? But I agree with the thought of taking her first call and then no more. Maybe even let her know that is a boundary of yours, and then stick to it - she'll (hopefully, eventually,) stop calling as much if you do.

Have you and your psych talked a bit about what you can do to support yourself during those 8 weeks? Totally nerve-wracking I bet, especially cos I know your psych is so good!

If I don't catch you again tonight - gooooood luck with the shift hun!!