I can’t cope

[Captain24]

You mean like the fact that I thought I was getting dementia! Turns out I’m not! 😂 Understanding why my mind is so conflicted. Like my mind says go go go but my body says no no no. A mix of adhd and ASD! Why I go to bed and my mid starts racing or if I wake up during the night and my brain won’t stop. The conversations I have in my head. The fact that sometimes I just can’t stop. Why I can sit for hours and do Lego. Why I get fixated on things. Lots!! With the ASD. I thought everyone was being mean to eat other at work and now I’m wondering whether it’s sarcasm as I don’t get that. Why I don’t know how to make small talk. Why I interrupt conversations but that adhd. So much I am learning! 

My psych is emailing my GP and Pdoc to warn them that she will be away. She is suppose to be giving me the name of someone that has experience with adhd and ASD. See what happens… I don’t know if I can talk to someone new. 

Im getting ready to head off so I won’t see you until next weekend. Hope your week is good. 

[AuntGlow]

I have just been reading through what you have shared @Captain24 - I am definitely here for the ride and loving your self-understanding journey. 

Have a wonderful night at work, be kind to yourself! ✨💛

[tyme]

Hey @Captain24 ,

Just reading along. Hope you're okay.

No, you don't get a psych in a public hospital. You just get whoever is on duty. What I've found is the public hospital is not for the therapeutic work. It's more for crisis intervention...

From what I remember, you get assigned a nurse, but that's it. It's not a 1:1 therapy thing. You see the psych when you are admitted, during a review and when you are dicharged. That's it.

[Jynx]

@Captain24 

---

@Captain24 wrote:

Like my mind says go go go but my body says no no no.

---

OMG you put it in words! The epitome of the AuDHD experience ahaha. And yeah small talk is like...painful!! Am I right or am I right? lol 

Yeah can be so hard opening up to someone new!! Hopefully they're super friendly and you end up feeling comfy sharing 🤞 

I hope your work shift is going smoothly! I will catch you on Friday hun - hugs for the road 😉

⸜(｡˃ ᵕ ˂ )⸝♡

[Captain24]

I had an absolutely horrible shift last night. 

The dig unit that I was under I could not get it right. I tried hard and just couldn’t get in the right spot the harder I tried the worse I got and the more stressed I got. After having to move and re-spot for the umpteenth time I called up the digger operator and asked if he wanted me to call and see if I could swap dig units. I cried. He called me up to go to a different 2 way channel. Most people flick over anyway. He told me where I was going wrong and you could hear in my voice that I was crying. One of the other truckies offered to swap with me. But we can’t do that unless authorised. I cried for about an hour with tears running off my cheeks. The cuffs of my work jumper were wet. I struggled for the rest of the night but I did get better with his help. 

Then… it was the end of shift and the dispatch operator had organised me an another girl to get picked up from the crib hut. The car that was supposed to to pick us up picked up someone else that wasn’t on their list and only had one seat. We put a call out for others to see if anyone could come and get me. No one answered. That left me out in the pit with no way for me to get to the log off point. At this stage I was angry. Really angry that no one would turn around and come back. I’m sure the people in the car were laughing. 

The next shift came on and a car pulled up at the crib hut to drop their meals in. It was a guy I knew so he knew that I had been left. He said no other cars were coming to there. He told me to get in and said he would get me but in. He did ask if he could be dropped off at the digger first. I was ok with that as it wasn’t his fault I was left. He drove really fast to get to the digger so I could get home. They had a truckie in the car so she drove me in and then left to go to work. One of the bosses was still there which was unusual. I demanded to be paid for being late out and told him what had happened. I did say dispatch did the right thing just the operators didn’t. I couldn’t say much as my voice was breaking again. I’m an angry crier and it makes me even more angry but I tired not to show it. I got to the car and was so so so angry. I did drive to conditions to get home as I was so angry. I did manage to make it safely though. I tried to breathe my way through the anger to calm down enough to be safe. 

I got home and just cried again. So many tears. I was angry but I was also upset that it had happened and I was left. The one that is weird, the one that is different, the one they like to pick on. I’m sure they were happy. My boss will be hearing about it on Friday when I go back. 

Im still so angry and hurt and I’m even crying again as I type this. I feel like I mean nothing. That I’m not worth caring about. No amount of medication can fix that. I haven’t even eaten. I’m too angry, hurt and upset. 

If you get this far thanks for listening. I need a place to vent to try and get some of the pain out. There’s a lot of pain and I lot of negative thoughts. Negative self-talk. 

[AuntGlow]

Hi @Captain24 🥰

Firstly, thank you so much for coming here and expressing what's gone on for you. I can see in the way you're sharing today, how you worked hard to self-regulate so you could get home safe last night, and in the way you're allowing yourself to feel what you're feeling, that you're trying your absolute best to take care of yourself. I know it's been hard to eat and that emotions are still high, I can only imagine how triggering and overwhelming this must have been. I would have been dysregulated too - it sounds like things were extra challenging for you and that you needed some very valid support last night. This was your first evening back at work, right?

I can really hear how much this situtation has touched on your core beliefs and I want you to know that you're allowed to feel how you're feeling. I do wonder if some of these thoughts could be challenged, just a bit? For example, we don't know they were laughing or thinking anything negative about you. In fact, I can imagine they would have a lot of empathy for how challenging the night was for you. In other words, could we explore assuming not necessarily the best or the worst here, but rather, the neutral? 

But back to the feeling - I really, really hear you. My mind can get caught in this pattern too, and so easily, any tiny moment can be proof that I am too much, not enough, or not wanted. I think what may help here is trying your best to hold this part of you with love and compassion. To accept little Captain when they aren't feeling accepted by the world. So much healing can happen from this place. Though, I know it's tough right now, so I am going to be in that space with you, if that's okay? 

Can we start by dropping anchor and grounding yourself in one act of self-soothing? 💛

[Captain24]

It was my last shift @AuntGlow. I was suppose to get out at 7:00am and didn’t get out until 7:30am. 

Thanks for reading it and validating me. 

They would have been laughing at me stuffing up as that’s what happens. I didn’t cope much flack at crib because I think everyone hears how upset I was. 

I would like to have been a fly on the wall in the car to see what they were actually saying. 

I’m totally a mess right now. 3 nightshifts doesn’t really help with the tiredness. The first shift was fantastic and I really enjoyed it. I thought it was a good start. The night before was a big hit and miss but last night was the hell one. 

Content/trigger warning

I can’t even calm down enough to try dropping anchor. My head is too much of a mess. So much going around in there on repeat. I feel angry, hurt, disappointed. Did I deserve the night? What have I done wrong for things to have turned so south so quickly? I’ve been working hard. I’ve had a few bad days but I was trying to help myself on those days. Today I just can’t. I don’t have the energy too. I feel so beaten. I feel exhausted. I feel like I’m in the pit that I’ve been escaping from. 

One good thing is that my auntie hasn’t rung yet. I can’t deal with her any day let alone today. 

[rav3n]

hey @Captain24, just wanted to let you know that @AuntGlow is in a meeting and she'll be back soon. 

i just caught up with what's been happening for you and i'm so sorry to hear about your shift. it makes total sense that you'd feel upset and overwhelmed, but please know that these situations aren't a reflection of you as a whole. you handled the situation to your best ability, and that's what matters. if the others judge you for that, that shows more about their poor character... 

fingers crossed your aunty doesn't call today! i hope you're able to process and recover today but taking this slow and gentle 💙

p.s. i've just added a spoiler tag to one of your paragraphs - you didn't do anything wrong at all, i've just added that in to be extra safe 😊

[Captain24]

Thanks @rav3n 

Sorry about that. I didn’t realise it was wrong. I actually wrote some other stuff that I deleted so I didn’t get in trouble. 

Apparently mum told her I was sleeping today so that’s possibly why she hasn’t called. I can’t deal anyway. 

I have a headache from so many emotions and so many tears. Plus I had 4 hours sleep so I can sleep tonight. Hopefully. 

[rav3n]

so glad your mum said you were sleeping!! @Captain24 in case she does call, you still have every right to decline the call and let her know you'll be free to chat tomorrow/another day instead. 

this might sound weird but... would you feel better if you yelled/screamed? sometimes i get this sharp tension in my head from holding my anger/frustration, and yelling or even singing helps release it. 

sending you gentle hugs 💙