I can’t cope

[Captain24]

Hey @AuntGlow 

Work was roughs I did go to the Christmas party for a couple of hours though, that was an achievement. Especially coming off nightshift and only getting 30 minutes sleep. I did leave early as it was all getting too much. 

I’ve just worked hard all weekend. Saturday I weeded my overgrown garden beds and that took hours. Plus a lot of stuff to start getting ready my house ready for Christmas. Sunday I did mum and dad’s lawn plus more stuff for Christmas. Today I have pushed so hard. I’ve bathed the dogs, changed my bed linen, mown the lawns, dusted the whole house and cleaned the inside of all the windows in my house. 

The only thing that I did do as self care was I had a bath today to try and stop some of the pain in my body. 

I don’t know what to do. I haven’t done self care in weeks, I don’t know how to look after myself. I’ve just been focused on going the whole time that me and my body haven’t mattered. 

Maybe we can unpack some if it. Maybe she is able to help, but I also have to focus on the surgery and meds and mood changes involved with that. That feels overwhelming just typing it. She is in for a ride tomorrow! Lucky she booked this in on her days off. 

That sounds like a nice Christmas. I don’t think I have sat and watch a movie with my parents since I was a really little kid. I was always sent to bed or told what I wanted to watch was silly. I’m really envious of people that have good relationships with their family. I won’t even get a text message from my brother or my niece. 

[Captain24]

I’ve just gotten into bed and I’m holding back the tears. I’m so broken. That I just want to cry but that’s not ok, that’s weak and deserves punishment. I’ve punished myself enough. 

Sorry it’s not recovery focused but just needed to get it out 

[AuntGlow]

I have to leave now, @Captain24, but I just wanted to check-in before I do and let you know that it's okay to be with how you are feeling and to feel it all fully - it's not weak, not even a little bit. To feel and express our emotions is incredibly human. Maybe you could look at crying as functional - a physiological way to release tension and exhaustion? This approach may be able to create more space for you to approach these tears safely. 💛 Please let me know how you go and I will check in tomorrow. 

[Captain24]

I just had my psych appointment and said something pretty confronting. I didn’t even realise the thoughts were there. 

T/W please add spoiler box @moderator or delete. 

Content/trigger warning

We talked about my surgery and what to do next time, whether to get the mirena reinserted. It messes with my mental health but could keep me alive, if I don’t get it then I could possibly get my wish and not make it through life. 

I am safe just found it really confronting. 

[Ru-bee]

Hey @Captain24 that would have been confronting if you didn't realise those thoughts were there. How did your psych respond?

[Captain24]

T/W SI

Hey @Ru-bee 

It really shook me that there is that possibility, albeit minor and that I’d be really happy with that. The fact that I wouldn’t have to do it myself. 

My psych just said calmly that she didn’t like that option as I have a good life to live still. That my life will improve. She is now concerned about the passive SI. I did tell her every night when I go to bed I have thoughts of not wanting to wake up and thoughts of serious SH. I hadn’t told her that it was that bad before 

Pretty tough appointment. 

I am safe.. it’s all passive. Just a wish. 

I also sent @rav3n an email of the wind down Wednesday post she wants me to do. 

[Captain24]

I just had a sleep. It’s been a really long time since I’ve done that but my body just won’t go anymore. Plus having such a confronting appointment. I’m totally run down and exhausted. I think I have hit the burnout stage. I’m done. 

[Ru-bee]

Sounds like you really needed that @Captain24 I know you were already feeling pretty exhausted so it makes sense that that difficult session on top of that has gotten you to this point.

Can you take this afternoon to rest?

[rav3n]

hey @Captain24 i'm sorry to hear you've hit the burnout stage, that would feel extremely exhausting. what do ya reckon would help your body recharge or wind down right now? 💙

[Captain24]

I actually feel like just staying in bed @rav3n @Ru-bee. That’s not healthy though. 

All I have left on my massive, impossible to-do list is wrap presents. Then tomorrow it’s just the stuff I need to prepare for Thursday, wipe down the kitchen benches and sweep and wash the floors. That stuff can’t be done u til tomorrow but it’s not really much. 

As for now, I’m not really sure. I have Jett curled up in my lap so that’s comforting. I need to wrap these presents but just don’t think I can. Maybe a bath but if I do that after dinner I can go straight to bed for an early night hopefully feeling relax and then no passive thoughts. 

I do need to wind down though. I need to listen to my own advice!

I haven’t stopped in weeks so it’s my own fault that I have hit this. Just in time for a massive day Thursday. Bad timing.